Change of nanny. WWYD?

[oscarwilde]

My current nanny has been with us since I went back to work after DD1. She is just starting nursery and DD2 is approaching 10 months. Our nanny has just told us she wants to leave next year probably around Easter but hasn't decided what her plan is and could probably be persuaded to work to our dates without too much difficulty. She's getting older and wants a change in career so wants to set herself a deadline. All fine and to be expected at some point.

My DH feels that she should go sooner rather than later (at Christmas) so that DD2 is "not too attached to her" and on a practical point employing a new nanny who can drive and do the incredibly awkward school run would be great. DD1 is going through a rather bratish stage and he feels it is down to poor discipline rather than just standard 3yo behaviour.

I feel that's a bit of a kick in the teeth for someone who has been a great nanny, adores the girls and has given us more than fair notice. If she'd kept her mouth shut until Christmas it would still have been fair. It's also forcing her timetable forward to make a life changing decision which while it is not our responsibility, removes her secure income for 3-4 months+ which she may be factoring into her exit plans. I feel that we have some responsibilty to her as her employer. I would like her to stay on until the school holidays start next year if she is prepared to. That would give a new nanny plenty of time to settle in over the summer and build a relationship with the girls.

More importantly is the impact on both girls. DD1 has never had another carer (aside from DH & I) and is just starting nursery as one of the youngest in her year. DD2 has been cared for by her part-time from 3 months/full-time from 6 months. As far as I am aware - 6mo to 2 yrs is the most important time for children not to experience multiple care-givers and develop proper attachment behaviours.
There's every possibility that we could change the nanny over without any problems but if we did have issues and a new nanny did not work out then things would be very unsettled for DD2. DH and I both work full-time and while our jobs are flexible up to a point in a crisis we would be expected to get a temp in asap and be back at work.

What would you do/think ? Posted on parenting as well as Childcare as I would particularly like the input from other nannies. Speaking to colleagues, I get the impression we have been really lucky to have someone for so long. Some people seem to have had a revolving door with their childcare.

Your nanny has been incredibly nice to tell you of her plans this far in advance. She obviously trusts you not to 'dump' her! I'm a nanny and have in previous jobs not told employers of my intention to leave until I had to (eg notice period) I've done this because I wasn't sure they wouldn't just replace me immediately. Your nanny obviously likes and trusts you. It would be horribly mean of you to replace her earlier than she wanted. I'd ask her when shed like to leave and replace her then. She's looked after your children for a long time, she deserves to be treated well. I'd be furious if in her position you turned around and asked me to leave early. This isn't a normal employer/employee relationship. She is likely to see you as friends, if at all possibly I'd make every effort to accommodate her.

Your DH sounds very unpleasant. You should do the reasonable thing and let her stay until she is ready to go.

If she hasn't handed her notice in, I'm not sure you can just get rid of her anyway. You would need to sack her or make her redundant. She hasn't done anything wrong and the position isn't redundant so not sure either of those are possible.

the best chance of your dds transitioning as easily as possible is if all 3 of you (you, dh and the nanny) work together to achieve this. They won't understand but will readily pick up on any tension or bad atmosphere and won't understand why. Your dh's reasons seem flimsy - if he has concerns about your nanny's performance/disciplining then why doesn't he want to deal with that now rather than waiting until Christmas?

Our long term nanny left us when the youngest started school and I was very concerned about how the children would cope - she was all they had ever known. We had agreed this with her about a year in advance so it was well planned. We were fantastically lucky with both how she handled it and with our next nanny who really took time to understand the children and build relationships with them. It was nothing like the problem I had expected.

Agree that your DH sounds very unreasonable and unpleasant and your nanny clearly trusts you to do the right thing - hence her (very) advance notice and honesty. Do the right thing and let her stay until more-or-less the school holidays; the difference of a few months isn't likely to affect your children's stability or their ability to bond with a new nanny, but letting her go early will almost certainly sour your relationship with her.

I'd ditch the husband for his unreasonable behaviour rather than the nanny.

The only reason I would seek to move up her departure is if she goes into "wind down" mode. But, nothing in your post suggests this is the case.

Sounds to me like your DH is just worried about the girls. But, his approach is not very well thought out. For example, getting rid of her sooner does not prevent the next one from leaving. So you might end up with two turnovers instead of one. There are no guarantees that nannys stay as long as you ideally want them to. They are people just like the rest of us, and can resign from their jobs just as we parents can resign from ours. This is something you accept when you become a nanny employer.

Strix - that's exactly my major concern. Two or even more turnovers would have quite a negative effect on a 1 yo. If I can postpone a departure to close to next summer then she'll have had a stable carer for almost 2 yrs.

Llareggub - not very helpful but I can understand why it reads so badly in black and white. My DH like most men is quite task driven and is immediately focused on "fixing" the problem. Except it doesn't need fixing just yet. We know that the nursery school run is going to be an utter PITA and she is high maintenance at the best of times (every little change is a huge drama) so we were already anticipating a resignation once the winter weather hit. Anticipating and pre-empting are two entirely different things though.

All - really helpful comments thank you. I am going to take the employee and unfair dismissal point forward with my husband as in my headspin at her news and his "fix it now approach" the obvious legislative point in all of this hadn't occurred. Doh!

Besides - no doubt it will be down to me to sort out advertising for and first interviews with a replacement so he can take a long walk off the proverbial pier...

I like a long notice period from a nanny. My first two both left on maternity leave so we had a good long lead in. When nanny 2 left DC2 was 3, and the only carer either DC could remember apart from us. I was terrified they would not like nanny 3 and it would be awful.

In the end they were completely fine. They'd had a long time to get used to the idea she was going to have a baby and would move somewhere else. They helped select nanny 3 and adored her from the off.

Can I just say to your DH that actually getting someone to start in January makes it really difficult to recruit? But I would start looking a good 3 months before nanny leaves, just in case your first choice accepts a job with someone else.

Being able to say current nanny recommends and will speak to her replacement is a very powerful recruitment message I think.

You can't make her redundant if you are going to get another nanny; that would be unfair dismissal.

Men don't have the same maternal concerns and empathy - in my experience. They're fantastically practical and logical. He's probably thinking of the gain in school run help and about getting the change out of the way.
I think you're friends are right though. Getting the change over with is a risky plan as there's no guarantee that the next will be as good/ stay the year. I'd do as you're doing and plug for the year with your current, lovely nanny.

Also, if you ARE interested in providing continuity, staying on v good terms with your nanny will, I'm sure, help to transform the relationship to a friendship. As a loving friend, she's sure to visit the girls and remain a special person in their lives - even of she doesn't see them that often.

How did your talk with DH go?

You are being fair, decent and thinking about the things that matter. He's not.

The sterotypes being spouted about men on this thread are unfair.

Just saying.

Agree. Massive male stereotyping going on here.

Men are capable of managing a nanny, just as they are capable of boiling an egg.