Had enough of au-pairs

[verap]

I have just found out that my au-pair is actively looking for a new family.

Think I had enough of au-pair after previous bad experiences.

Where shall I start looking for a childminder in my area?

Any advice would be appreciated.

I found out that she is looking for a "better paid position". She clearly stated that on one of the websites where she is looking.

She says there that she is experienced and thefore should have better package... but she knew the hours/pay I offer prior to coming.

She still denies that she is looking but I have already started my search.
I could easily offer her more money - if she asked directly but not if she's doing it behind my back and lies about it.
She also claims that she works mon-fri all day but that's not true as she does two half days per week (my daughter goes to nursery).

Please help how to approach her and give her notice without her getting cheesed off.

Hi Verap, if she is looking, then you are right to be looking.

You only need to give her the agreed one month's notice to get rid of her. I assume she has been with you for less than one year so there are no unfair dismissal rules that apply (not sure that they even apply for live-in staff to be honest).

You have to think about how she is likely to react once you give her notice. The aupairs that I have had to move along (performance issues) were not shy to skip at the earliest opportunity and leave me in the lurch. So at any time in the one month period, you have to be prepared for this happening, plus the atmosphere in the house and whether you are happy for her to be looking after your children and in your house in this time.

You can soften it but you cannot control how she will feel about it. She will feel what she feels.

One option is to get the new aupair to start, say in one week's time of your giving her notice. That way, your exposure is limited to just one week which you or your partner can take leave to cover in the worst case. Then give her 3 weeks' pay in lieu. She can use that one week to look for another family, which given she is already looking, should not be difficult.

I agree she knew the pay and the terms when she accepted. She blatantly used you as a stepping stone. In doing so, she also played with your dcs' feelings too. If she had no qualms about disrupting your lives, I am sure she can accept the karma of having hers slightly inconvenienced.

blueshoes - thank you for your answer :-)

I am looking for someone new now, wold love to find someone soon even though it's hard. My mum is coming over on 19th September so ideally the current au-pair should be gone by then.

I guess it would be best to give her less notice and pay in lieu. I want to stay on good terms as she talks in different au-pair forums on Facebook (that's how I know she's looking)and I dont want her to start posting untrue comments about me.

I would not worry about aupair forums, tbh. Based on previous aupairs leaving under a cloud, my family's name should be mud, but it is not and made not a jolt of difference to my ability to hire a new one. There are SO many aupairs in this world you would not believe it.

In any case, you are looking to hire one before she leaves, so the timing is in your favour.

A word about references. I prefer to hire aupairs with experience so your aupair would be someone I contact. However, I always say that I need to speak to her previous host family to get a reference. Many aupairs drop out at that point or say that their family was not good to them so they cannot give a reference - I don't take things further as a good reference from their host family is a must for me.

If she is denying she is looking, she will not be able to give a reference to her future employer. Some employers are not fussed but others will be put off.

Thank you for your answer.

Yes, I would also prefer more experienced au-pairs but with 1 child only and minimum number of hours needed, I cannot offer her loads of money and they all want more than they had in the previous family.

And the thing about references - they can easily give you a number of a friend, etc so you never know who you are really speaking to... DONT WANT TO SCARE YOU :-)

Hi verap, I am very alive to the fact that I might be speaking to an referee imposter, though I don't think that I have ever encountered that situation.

It is unlikely that their friends would have a British accent and even if the host family were not British, I ask so many questions that it would be obvious if I were talking to someone who was not a working mother herself. Plus I get the referee to give the ages of her children and how long the aupair has been working and various personal details which a friend of the aupair will probably be caught flatfooted, doing it as a favour and not having cribbed up sufficiently. I have a "chat" so the conversation could take a number of unrehearsed turns. The host family's circumstances should line up (i.e. why they want an aupair, why she is leaving, what childcare they are using now, the age and needs of the children), as should the aupair's and both should be consistent.

I prefer to speak to the host mother, rather than the host father, because women tend to me more clued up and will tell me outright if the aupair is not a good one, whereas men can have the wool pulled over their eyes by their aupairs (happened to me twice)!

blueshoes - I told her last Friday that things are not working out and that I think that she is looking for something better. She seemed perfectly ok, I told her i would give her a month to look for something else.
She spent the weekend away, came back later this afternoon and told me she was leaving (immediately) as i dont trust her and insisted she was not looking for anything else.
I was so pissed off but kept calm, told her to come and sit down with me to check all the talks she posted on facebook.... she said: no no ... and walked away.
I have no words for her.... I cried a bit, mainly sorry for my daughter but I dont think she fully understood what was going on here (she is 4 years old). She even called good bye to her.
I have two weeks now before another au-pair is arriving... she will confirm tomorrow (fingers crossed)
I tried to be honest with my au-pair and even gave her a month notice but I am obviously and idiot...

It strikes me that this girl's main incentive for coming to the UK might be for financial betterment in which case she would presumably not be making much money as your au pair and is looking for something more lucrative.

Why not employ someone who's main reason for coming is to learn English so the money is less important than the overall experience?

tryharder - yes, i am now looking for someone who hasnt been in uk before and wants to learn english and travel, etc

This girl was claiming she needed a break from her job in Prague. She actively searched for extra jobs/babysitting in this area prior to coming.
I should have known better.

If you are an idiot, verap, then join me. My more recent (and 9th) aupair left a few weeks ago to take up a retail job for more money. She only stayed 3 months when I was expecting at least 6. Same thing - she mentioned getting babysitting jobs. She also looked into English lessons but realised they were not good/cheap and very soon after, told me she was taking the other job.

With the best will in the world, there are no guarantees when it comes to aupair hiring. My creed is if it is not working for either, then let's cut losses and move on to the next one. The children loved that aupair but did not bat an eyelid when she decided to leave.

Sorry you cried for your dd. It is shit but tbh, her focus is her parents and so long as you provide that continuity, I don't think she will care that much. That is my experience with the children. If anything, it is the aupair that misses them more!

Crap that she decided to do a runner, but not unexpected. It is petty point scoring, but sadly not uncommon amongst soon-to-be ex-aupairs. Clock that one to experience ...

Hi blueshoes, thanks for your kind reply (as always)

My daughter really liked her but we are glad she's gone.

A new girl arriving next Saturday (fingers crossed) and we can manage somehow until then (called in sick first 2 days, my sister helped, my husband took leave and will pay nursery next week).

So do you have someone new now?

Good luck with your new ap, Verap. I've had nightmares with aps over the last 2 years and try particularly hard to ensure that they're happy - having been an ap myself three times.
Problem is that many girls are savvy, the Internet is so incredibly resourceful and good at providing job opportunities for them. There are few girls who are what they say and who really aren't here for financial gain and to learn English. I've found it to be a v upsetting experience but, based on having had one good ap, I know that I've got to trust each new one until I see clues that the next is a dud.
Here is a surmise of this last year of aps.: ( to make you feel better):
1 cried every day for 2 months as was first tune away from family as was v homesick. She went home but kindly stayed until 2. Came. Sweet and lovely girl.

1. arrived sweet and lovely but quickly became apparent that the reason that she had dropped my 16 month old twice was because she had severe disability in her arms (huge, long scars and limited movement in both). She hadn't thought/ wanted to mention this when I asked whether she was generally healthy. She asked me to hire a babysitter for dinner and bath time as she was worried about dropping the baby in the bath and picking her up to put her in the bath / high chair was too difficult) (her main working time as I work evenings 5-8). I explained that I couldn't afford, and didn't need, both. She was relived to leave a week later. I felt sorry for her but cross (inwardly).
2. Stayed for 6 months. I taught her English - from scratch. She became relatively fluent and got job on GUMTREE as nanny in central London, close to male friends she had made at clubs on weekends. Nannies are better paid and she wanted to be nearer to them.
3. Stayed 6 months. Met ap number 3 at my DS's birthday party- who told her to do same thing. Number 4 told me about it in shocked tone. 6 months later, no 4's best friend here (another ap locally) abandoned her family to work on central London for v well-off family. Then she contacted my ap and told her about her family's friends who lives locally (also central London) and... off she went. Apologetic but honest about it.
4. Stayed a week. Hadn't realised how far we were from central London. Had been living in hostel in paddington and was shock to get system to be in Herts.
5. Left note on my mirror after 3 months, that I found on my return from holiday saying "Goodbye. Helene.". She had been poached (offered loft conversion suite and more money by parents of a pupil I used to teach!!!).
6. The one I found restraining my DD (under 2 y old). My son said, when spoke to him, that she had done it to him and that he felt sad. He didn't like it when she left red marks on his hands. I asked her to leave.
7. The one who left the door open to air the house after smoking in it. I came home from slimming world at 9pm, to find the front door a open, the children in smoke filled rooms and her unable to hear me (calling and calling as i thought house had been burgled/ had had a party / had left) she was in the bath.
8. The one who used me as astrology stone, using my mobile to make phone calls (job interviews) on day 3 while leaving DD (2 and a half) crying in her cot. I called the numbers the next day, having cone home to overhear her making a call and discussing meeting calls in her bestest, polite English while I comforted crying DD. the woman told me that ap had called for a job selling ice creams in slough. I asked ap to leave. She had also been smoking.

Smoking is huge no no for us as I'm allergic and don't want smell near DC. All aps have claimed to be non-smokers and to have understood this at interview. Ha ha. It's been a shit two years. There are no babysitters available at this time of day as they have their own children / unreliable homework/ school needs. Older ladies charge £12-15 per hour. Tried some but not keen at all - like choosing a mother I'd not like. I've a new ap. it's been a month. She's adorable but homesick and lovely. By the way, I've experienced AP Facebook forums are quite dangerous as they do spread defensive lies to friends on leaving. Some I've heard are laughable - and v sad.

Mummyoftheyear - thank you for sharing your story to make me feel better :-)

I used to work as an au-pair when I first came to this country and that's why I think I treat them nicely and fairly.

I am hoping the next AP will be fine... coming next Saturday. My daughter has developed some kind of rush this weekend and the pharmacist in ASDA told me it may be chickenpox... I hope not! Cannot take any more days off work.

I work full time so it's a struggle to cover the days when waiting for a new AP.

Hi verap, good luck with your new aupair and hopefully it is not chicken pox. My new one arrives today so fingers crossed.

Mummy, those are pretty bad experiences, even by my standards. Hope this one works out for you.

blueshoes - good luck with you new au-pair.

What nationality do you tend to choose?

I only have Czech ones so that my daughter can continue learning the language....

Thanks, verap.

What a coincidence, our new aupair is from the Czech Republic. The aupair she replaces is from Slovakia. Before her, I had very good experiences with aupairs from Hungary. Before them, I was very fortunate with aupairs from Germany and Austria, until I got an aupair from Germany who decided to leave after 3 weeks without giving any real reason, so decided to try a different profile.

Basically, I look for aupair with previous aupair experience in the UK. So it is more likely to be Eastern European aupairs that fit this profile, rather than those from Western Europe who come to UK for a gap year and then go back.

I think if one profile works, we tend to stick with that profile. Not a particular preference as much as wanting as little hassle as possible. Of course we know the various national stereotypes but it really depends on the girl.

Verap, I hope that your DD's rash has now disappeared. I can relate to funding it hard to fill the gap for work while waiting for a new ap to arrive. I hope that she's lovely and that it works out well ;)
I do think that it helps to be able to empathise, having been an ap
ourselves before.

Mummyoftheyear - thanks for your message. Rush is gone (thanks God) and AP arrived and seems really nice (although they all do to start with).

All good for now :-)

Blueshoes - how are you?

Hi Verap, thanks for asking. A few niggles with new aupair after the first week. I am having to micromanage more than I am used to but she seems obliging enough. I have been spoilt by my last few aupairs so keeping an open mind. It will only until both children are back at school and we are on the full school routine that I will know the full extent.

Fingers crossed still!

Hope it stays good for you!

Blueshoes - hope she will be fine once she gets used to how things work in your house.

Mummyoftheyear - Apologies, just noticed my spelling mistake - I ment Rash is gone :-)

verap - hope your new au-pair works out for you. Hiring au-pairs is very much a lottery. With all the best interviewing you can do I find it is only when they start that you know whether they are capable AND can fit in with your family.

I personally find trial weekends before they start invaluable and I've learnt that if I have doubts in the first week or if I have to write about an AP problemon this board that it not going to work out. On a more positive note, after every au-pair I have had who does not work out, I've had fantastic ones after.

Hey verap, is your ap doing sole care whilst you work?

Ah, re-reading, I see she is. This is a lot for someon not trained in childcare (as they usually aren't). To be honest, it sounds like a rough deal for her. Obv I don't know what you pay her...... But I imagine its a lot less than a nanny, maybe that's why she wants to go?

Metrobaby - I would love to do trial weekends but it's only possible with au-pairs who are already in UK - and most of those I found are looking for sky high pocket money claiming they have experience and references.

I have only one child so wont pay someone loads because they have already been an AP in UK. I think that experience with younger siblings/cousins from back home is just as good.

But as you say, it's always a lottery :-)

I tend to hire my au-pairs from Au-Pair world in the EU so it is quite easy to organise trial weekends using a budget airline. My reasoning is that using an agency would cost between £300 and £500 anyway, and an airfare is usually less than this. Trial weekends also work both ways as they give both me and the au-pair peace of mind, and it is less of a shock on their first day as we both have an idea of what to expect. After so many au-pairs, I firmly believe you can tell a good one within a few hours. Bad ones - in my experience - never improve and it unfortunately gets worse.

I actively avoid anyone looking for sky high pocket money too - but these are easily avoided if you put the weekly pocket money in your advert.