Au pair staying out late every night

[MizZan]

Hi - would appreciate a word of advice from other au pair host families.

We've had au pairs for most of the past 7 years, so not inexperienced at managing them and have had the whole range from truly wonderful to someone we had to fire 4 weeks in because we discovered she was drinking bottles of wine in her room alone every night.

We had a new one start about 6 weeks ago (she's just back from a 2 week break) and are still getting to know each other, but disturbed by the fact that she is out until quite late every night - including when she has to work the next day. And I do mean, every night. I don't know what she is doing or where she's going, but even if we get home ourselves at 8 or 9, she's out the door like a shot and we don't see her till after midnight. This seems not ideal when she's got to be up at 7 or 7 30 to work. We've already had one incident when she basically stayed out all night and then was unable to work next morning. We had a fairly direct talk after that and I said she was not to stay out late if she's working the next day, but I guess she is interpreting that very loosely and she's out until at least 11, and often later, every single night.

Am I being unreasonable to think this isn't really ok? I don't want to dictate but I am concerned she will be too tired to really be effective with the children (who aren't that small, but still need someone lucid and organised to look after them and get them to school or camp in the morning as my husband and I are both out the door to work very early).

thanks for any good advice.

Well im up til at least 1am most nights and manage perfectly well with my dcs everyday- ive always been like this so maybe she is a nightowl too and knows she can cope well on little sleep

Maybe you could come to an agreement that she is in by 11pm on a weeknight? Ask her and see what she thinks.

Obviously if she can't work at 7am then that is not ok, but so long as she's up, dressed and in a fit state to work by her start time then I wouldn't worry too much.

In my late teens/early twenties I could easily go to work after 4 or 5 hours sleep - and presumably she can nap after the school run if she wants?

Your concern is whether she is doing a good job or not. If she is, then what time she comes in/goes to bed is irrelevant. You posted at gone 11pm OP, how are you going to get up in the morning?!

If she isn't doing a good job then speak to her about that, suggest she comes in earlier, and if her work doesn't improve ask her to leave.

Providing she does her job, the rest is not relevant. If she comes from a hot country, she could be used to having very short nights and then a nap in the afternoon. That,s how I always did it in Spain as a teenager. I don't think I ever slept more than 4 hours during the night

as others have said as long as she is fit for work at the agreed start time then i wouldnt worry

yes you have had one instance but hopefully that is it

if it happens again then maybe say to her to be in by 11pm

i am a night owl, i rarely go to bed before midnight and am up to start work at 7am if need be

im assuming your children are generally at school so can rest during the day if need be (tho obv holidays at moment)

I think this is OK unless it definitely effects her work. What are her hours? If she has been with the kids all day then she may really want to get out and get some space. If she has a break during the day then she may have a daytime sleep.

I agree that many Europeans go out late at night. My DS's who are at Uni will go out after 10 or even 11. It seems daft to me but its not unusual.
Is she living as part of your family or is she encouraged to work and then disappear to her room?

How old is she?
Are you in big city?
Are you worried about her safety?
I think you should have some idea of where she is depending on age however.

Not being able to do her job -big concern

Agree with all the above - she's young, she's in a foreign country, may well have her own money for the first time in her life (certainly, several of our aps had never even had a bedroom of their own until they came to live with us), and she's having fun.

If her work is suffering, then fair enough - have a word with her. But the youth have a lot of stamina, and, being an ap, she shouldn't have full charge of DCs all day every day, so should have plenty of time to catch up on her sleep.

I can't see why you fired other one for drink wine? Surely she was an adult and as long as sober for work in the morning then it's fine.

Same with current one, she's an adult, midnight is not late really, and many many adults only sleep 6/7 hours a night.

If she was a live out nanny for example how would you know that she had been out drinking all eve and got home at 5am? If she came in fine as usual the next morning you would have no idea. Do you ever drink wine then go to work the next day?

To me getting home from a night out at 8/9pm is vv early. But then I work until 7.30pm so 8pm would be home
From work and then out.

I actually can't believe you asked this question/ and have sacked someone before due to it!!! The world is going mad

( oh and we got home last night at 11.30pm with x2 toddlers having spent the night on the beach with friends and letting the children play, should we be sacked at parents?)

Forever - Guess depends if other ap was drinking a bottle of wine a night every night - ie a prob with booze

Blondes - sure if on daily binge, but generally drinking wine in room doesn't seem a problem. I don't personally even drink but many people seem to have a glass or two of wine a night.
It just seems many people on here want lots from an au pair. Sole charge of their own children , yet apparently not responsible enough to decide when to go to bed. Surely you can't have both.

I think you need to judge her on her ability to do her job, and not what she does on her own time. If she is sober an able to function and dressed appropriately when the job begins, I don't understand what the problem is.

a glass or two a night is ok

but op said the ex ap was drinking bottles of wine in her room alone every night

ie more then one bottle every night

that to me is a drink problem

If your children are going to school or camp as you say, then she probably has a nap in front of Jeremy Kyle once she has deposited them.

I wouldn't be unduly worried.

We go to bed pretty early over here, in, e.g. Spain, they all go to bed really late, even small children are up until past midnight, so maybe that's just what she's used to? Other than the one time she's been unable to work the next day has her work been up to scratch? If so then let her get on with it.