Boys 'upstairs' and APs

[LadyHarrietdeSpook]

Can I get a feel, please, for how many of you with APs allow boys to stay over/visit for lengthy periods of time in the APs bedroom?

What about male 'friends'? "We're just friends, and my girl friends can stay as long as they like," that sort of thing.

What about boyfriends from home coming for a couple of visits a year, otherwise no?

What about boys during the day but not overnight?

With our first two APs this wasn't an issue as boys weren't part of their 'circle' that we got to know. The last two years we've had varying degrees of issues around this and I would really appreciate hearing other people's thoughts on what they're comfortable with in terms of boundaries, if any.

I made it clear from the beginning that boys are not allowed (including boyfriends from home). When I get closer to AP and see that my rules are observed I may start making rules a little bit loose like when our previous AP got a boyfriend I would allow him to come over for couple of hours (after I met him) but they would always keep door to her room open.

I don't know how this usually works, but my gut instinct is; she's an adult, and it's perfectly normal for her to want/ need boyfriends. I'd let her have a long term boyfriend over to stay. Definately not random blokes she may meet on as night out though. If you've met them, I can't see the problem. She's untitled to an adult relationship surely?? I'd treat her the same as a teenage daughter. I'd allow her to have boyfriend in house because I'd want her to be safe and experience everything life has to offer! To expect a young women to not have a relationship for an entire au pair stay; perhaps a year or more, is a little mean. As long as there not romping on the sofa!! Lol. If after work she wants to spend time with her boyfriend in her room, shut door, watch tv, have a cuddle...! I think you should consider this. She'll be a happier person if she is able to maintain a relationship with someone she may love! It's not something to be embarrassed about, or a taboo! It's normal to want a relationship. Yes, it's your home, and they should be respectfull. If they are, you will have no idea what is or isn't happening. Which is the way it should be I think. As parents we'll have teenagers who want to have relationships/ sex as some point; probably while there still living at home. I'd like to think I will be open minded and excepting and allow it. However I could be wrong, not sure what's normal with regards to au pair. Guess it depends how liberal you are. Would you allow it, if she was your daughter? Or would you expect her to carry out such things while out; at boyfriends house, on street! Maybe compromise and allow it just at weekends??

Seb, thanks for your message. I'd like to hear from more people to get some other views of how things work before I go into more detail...if you don't mind.

But I will say that we are the only family I know who has au pairs that has allowed boys to stay to date.

Hi,

We allow boyfriends and friends who are boys to stay over but we say that it has to be at the weekend, so not in AP's work time. So far both friends and boyfriends have been lovely (so fingers crossed it carries on like this).

Surely there must be more of you with views on this!

A few of our au pairs have had boyfriends and we didn't let any of them stay over. Our au pairs go and stay with their boyfriends at weekends or for boyfriends who are on holidays, our au pairs go and stay with them in their hotels. We often have boyfriends over for dinner or whatever but it just keeps things simple if the au pair goes to her boyfriend's rather than him coming to ours.

I think you probably need to start strict and get a feel for how things go, and then you can relax your rules if you see fit.

Much harder to go back the other way if you allow it then don't like it.

Overnight guests of any gender only allowed if we have already met them and it has been requested in advance. Where people are coming from overseas we usually give the ok without meeting them as generally that equals a reasonable ltr.

We never have a concern and take the view that if we trust them to make the right decisions with regard to our children then we have to trust them to make the right decisions with regard to boyfriends. We are far more strick about smoking and drugs than sex, tbh.

I don't allow any male overnight guests if we and the dc are also in the house. It is not something I am comfortable with. I do make this clear at interview stage and once again when they arrive. I don't mind other female overnight guests but I will insist on meeting them first.

When one of my APs found a boyfriend however - who was also an AP, she used to go to his host family's house and stay overnight, returning in the morning. However in the end her boyfriend's host family became fed up and ended up not allowing her to visit overnight.

Other APs who had boyfriends from their home country would usually stay in a hotel and I would give them paid time off to spend a few days with them which they seemed to appreciate.

I think it is ok to do whatever you feel comfortable with. It is one of these things that, hopefully, you will have discussed and agreed on when you hired your AuPair.

I would probably allow it if I had been able to get to know the boyfriend (or girlfriend)

Would anyone else consider arriving at 2 am and leaving at half five staying over? Might be too late for this year. Thinking abt what is reasonable for next.

Yup, that is 'staying over' in my book.

Is that 2am-5am Lady Harriet? Is this for a male friend or a boyfriend?

I think whatever rule you have, people will interpret it differently. I also find that once an AP has been with you a while, some will try and 'bend' rules more than others. By this I mean you cannot cover every eventuality or scenario or personality type. So for example, if I have a rule where I state boyfriends are only allowed at weekends, some people may think having their boyfriend from 7pm Fri night all the way through to 7am Monday morning, every weekend is acceptable - whilst others might consider that perhaps their host family may not actually like this or maybe some girls might not want to spend every second of their free time with their boyfriend.

I guess it is really down to you to state explicitly to your AP what is and what isn't acceptable.

Our au pair's boyfriend is coming to stay for the weekend. They are both adults (the boyfriend is in fact only a year younger than me). I have no issue with him coming to visit.

Other au pairs haven't had boyfriends but I don't have a problem with boyfriends staying over at weekends. Random guys off street would be pushing it though I think (not had to deal with that thankfully).

I'll also add LadyHarriet, that most host families I know don't allow male overnight guests. When I interview APs, the majority are not surprised at my 'no male guest' rule.

Judging by your previous posts in the past, I would say that you are quite reasonable and do take into account your AP's viewpoint, so I'm sure you will be able to come up with a good solution/compromise

Yes, we don't allow them either and I am up front about it at interview. I am interviewing at the moment and no one has seemed surprised or bothered by this. In reality though I think au pairs say what you want to hear to get the job and then think they will deal with any issues once in the job. So if a boyfriend appears on the scene later they may try to bend the rules and then you have to decide if or how far you will relax the rules. Therefore, it might affect how long the au pair stays. We've not had a problem so far though (crosses fingers).

I know I post incessantly on here firefox.

We do our best to be reasonable but every year something seems to come up we haven't thought of - as in this whole thing of what is technically staying over. I don't want a 20 page 'house rule' document either.

I mean the people I know who also have au pairs think we are crazy allowing stay overs and I guess our rule about allowing boys was designed to accommodate an au pair with a boyfriend at home who wanted to visit a few times a year. I thought it would be incredibly mean not to allow that and just result in a miserable, homesick au pair.

I thought I'd cracked the -= if you have a b/f in England thing - but it's being circumvented.

We need more boundaries at home to feel comfortable. Man - the throes of young lurve!! SHe would have him here CONSTANTLY if she could.

But then I think - well, if he's up in her room does it REALLY matter? It's exhausting to be hardline and I really hate confrontation.

This one is going at the end of hte month, it's more getting my head around next year. Maybe it won't be an issue.

I've been told it's a cultural thing. I have a good friend who is bringing up teenaged sons in same country where all of our au pairs have been from and she said that from even 15 boys and girls can be allowed to have 'sleep overs.' Certainly by our APs ages - 19 to 21 - they would be expected to be allowed overnight guests if they're with their parents. This would NOT in my experience be usual in the UK/US.

And my view is the AP is living with OUR family not hers...so our rules. But the context did help a bit.

A question for those of you who would allow female guests to stay over but not male guests, what if the au pair was lesbian?

I say boyfriend or partner in our invitation letter which is intended to cover that...

The guest rules are meant to cover both sexes. No more than once per month.

I did put boyfriend here because I was thinking of my particular situation.

My issue is that for our last two au pairs whatever rules we've set seem to have been circumvented in one way or another.

It becomes complicated when there is a romantic relationship because the au pair wants to see the person much more than just a normal friend. We find they are around literally all the time and the boundaries are quickly more blurred than they are with ap friends they hang out with. The entitlement we've experienced around this is unbelievable - but young love hey? The memories are getting dim.

I might be in the minority, in fact I almost certainly am, but we always say pre-existing partner visiting is absolutely not a problem. Having done the long distance thing you end up with a depressed and sulky person living with you if you ban it, and a much healthier atmosphere if you put sensible limits on visits. Friends from home they need to check with us but it's rarely too much from our POV.

As for friends and partners met during the stay we don't mind someone staying over but ideally not more than once a week (exceptions for big trips out involving an early start/late finish where a friend might need to stay both nights because we're in a town with a real station, for example!). We don't expect people to be around during work time or after we make a move to go to bed, which is seldom before 11ish anyway.

Arriving at 2am and leaving at 5.30 would definitely be out of order in our house. I would regard it as staying over since the rest of the house are fast asleep in bed at that time and even if not regarded as staying over it's not an acceptable time to invite guests in. If you were half awake or woke up when the visitor arrived or left its possible you might think you were being burgled and hence be worried.