I am so stressed and feel so inadequate, as to what to do with childcare. I am a freelancer, which means I don't have regular income or regular working hours, and my husband earns just enough to pay rent and household bills, but not low enough to qualify for any help. Because I don't work enough hours, we can't qualify for working tax credits. But because we don't earn enough we can't afford to pay for proper childcare. Because I can't afford to pay for a proper childcare I can't take all the work I am offered. It seems like a vicious circle. Because I can't afford proper childcare when I do go to work, I resort to asking friends and other mums and nannies to babysit and pay (some of them) half the rate, which means that I cannot make demands (like being on time, or not to cancel at the last minute, etc). It works for some time, if we are lucky, but most of the times it is a disaster. Today was the pinnacle of the crisis, and I had a breakdown. I had a very important qualifying exam today, very important, very expensive, and a result of a one-year preparation course. So I asked the lady who looked after DS a couple of times before to look after the DS for a day today, for a certain rate. She agreed, but only till certain time. Then a mum/friend I know kindly agreed to have DS after that certain time. So this morning, after greeting her kindly in spite of her being late I give instructions and leave for the exam, and at my break time, when I am finally reunited with my phone, almost two hours after the time DS was supposed to be dropped off at my friend's, receive a text from the friend, reasonably asking where is my babysitter with DS. Then a second one, saying that after waiting in vain for them for almost two hours she is going out, and won't be home soon. I call my babysitter to find out what happened, and she says that she has decided to put DS to sleep, and is now waiting for him to wake up, but she has to leave in 15 minutes, as she has other plans.?!! Why?! The whole arrangement with the friend was because you (babysitter) said you had to go at that particular time! Why didn't you leave when you were supposed to leave? But why hijack all my carefully constructed arrangements? Why is it so difficult to just follow simple instructions? If we arrange on a plan to fit your plans why change it, especially if you cannot see the change through? Why stay for two hours longer, then say you need to leave in 15 minutes when I am in the middle of something important and in another end of the town?/emo/te/6.gif
What do I do? I frantically call all my friends around, asking if anyone can step in, then have a meltdown when no one is available, call DH, (to whom, incidentally I was not talking for some time due to his lack of support re childcare plus exams). He leaves his job immediately even though he has previously arranged visit/meeting from his boss planned for the afternoon. It still takes him almost an hour to get home, by which time the bs is quite desperate.
Lessons learnt: 2. 1)never use her services again; 2)never use any babysitters' services again; 3)in fact, never leave the house again.
Nervous breakdowns: 4. Mine, hers, the friend's, and DH's.
Ruined relationships: 2. 1)With her; 2)with the other friend.
Damages caused: plenty. 1)loss of trust to humankind; 2)bungled exams (possibly failed, but not all her fault); 3)missed meeting - damaged reputation (DH's); 4)financial - full day pay (wouldn't have minded if I didn't have to spend half of the day trying to help her get on with her other plans; 5)loss of ability to experience expected feeling of joy and relief after finally finishing the exams and the course; 6) loss of joy at celebration/farewell to course-mates party.
Ruined prospects: 1. I don't want to work or study again if it is this hard to find a suitable arrangement for our beautiful son.
Oh God, I feel so guilty!
I know, as my husband says, it is all my fault! I am owning up!