is this all a big mistake?

[ChocolateBiscuitCake]

Our gorgeous, mature nanny/housekeeper left last week and our lovely, young (22), inexperienced nanny arrived (she calls herself nanny, I think of her as mothers help/au pair).

I can't help feeling this is all a big mistake. Our nanny has done absolutely nothing wrong (although is not at all proactive at engaging the children in any tasks/activites, which I am finding frustrating. The children are not warming and being quite clingy...to be expected but they are usually so outgoing even with strangers). However, given her age and lack of experience I am struggling to trust her (again my issue, not because she has done anything wrong) which makes having her here a bit pointless! I am a sahm (3under4) but would rather get on and go solo!

How can I terminate a contract without hurting her feelings etc. She has uprooted to live with us, so just feel so guilty.

Has anyone had this situation? Please help.

It does all sound like a mistake yes. Why did you employ her? What was the interview like?

Is there a probationary period in the contract?

Its early days but you do need to trust her quickly. Is there anything she could do to gain trust such as going on a short outing to the park with say your eldest. Then build on that?

If ending it, can you afford to pay more than contractual notice, perhaps her return travel cost? Would you provide a reference based on what work she has done?

If she isn't very proactive or experienced can you give her some guidance and specify things you want her to do with the children? (I know this would be annoying at first but hopefully she will later not need as much guidance). Or can you direct her more with cleaning/laundry etc and havr her help out more in that way? If not, perhaps just say you've decided financially it isn't working for your family to keep her on (that way it may not hurt her feelings as much).

Because I had had full time help, I was nervous about having 5 hours a day au pair help (we have just relocated so am a bit up in the air anyway). She was looking for full time and I jumped at the chance. At interview she explained how she had au paired for two young boys whilst the parents were at work full time, so figured she would have lots of get up and go. Her references were all good.

Like I said, she is a sweet girl but I don't know how to terminate things kindly because she hasn't done anything wrong per se.

Thanks for the other responses.

My two older children won't go out with her without hardcore bribery. My youngest just sobs uncontrollably (he never usually does, but then our last nanny was here when he returned from the hospital!). Again, my children are the problem here (!) not her. I cant be nice for her, and I am finding it really stressful.

We are 1 week into a 4 week probation. So I know it is early days. She has been a star with domestic things (well, all things relating to kids!).

I just feel a bit confused, uneasy and guilty that I am asking my children to do things that they don't want. I think I would be happier with an experienced nanny 2 afternoons a week to help give me some space.

Any chance the problem isn't her, just your children are unsettled by relocation and change in nanny (who wouldn't be?) and they will settle down? One week isn't long. They'll probably be the same with theme t new person, and the one after that..

i'm not sure why you've employed her tbh!?

doesn't sound like it's her. I think you will just have to tell her that you have realised it's not really working for whatever reason for the children and you have decided you need a nanny after all. You are only 1 week in so I would end it now rather than drag it out as it sounds like it's stressing you and your kids out and can't be pleasant for her.

Why do you need a nanny? You might find the children less clingy and unsettled if you don't keep employing different people when they aren't really needed. it's quite confusing for kids having more than one adult 'in charge'
if you really feel you can't cope - perhaps you could put your eldest in a playgroup or employ someone to help you out just with dinner/bath etc - more of a mother's help type person...

I hope she hasn't given up another job to work for you because you are not really giving her a chance are you?

Why did your previous nanny leave?

How would you feel about going out for the day and just leaving her to get on with it.

As a nanny I find that the kids don't really bond with you until they absolutely have to, it's really difficult to start building a relationship with them when mum is always around. Kids behave differently when both parents and nannies are around.

For example, I look after a four year old who I have sole charge four days a week, mum works from home one day and collects her from school that day. When I have her on my own she is a real delight, really well behaved, no trouble at all, we get on great.
When mum is in the house, she is a different child, she doesn't want anything to do with me, she just wants mum, to the point that she can be quite rude to me which I know is out of her character.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is give her a chance to build one to one relationships with your kids, without you being around. You may find that she is more proactive with regards to planning activities if she doesn't feel like she is constantly under your watch as well.

Maybe she struggles with the fact you're at home and is unsure what to do. She may have good refs because those were jobs where she had sole charge and the parents worked. If she lacks confidence in herself then she will really struggle to adjust with you being there.
There isn't really anything you can do about that but maybe next time employ someone who is used to the mum being around more or who is naturally more confident