How to handle this situation? re bullying

[Jo86]

I'm not very good at being assertive and could do with some advice on how best to handle this situation.

I use a childminder for my two children, my eldest son (8yo) used to be friends with the childminder's son (10yo) but over the last few months things have gone down hill. My son is now unhappy about going as he feels he is being picked on by the childminder's son (and now by a mindee who is about a year younger than my son).

I discussed this with cm a few months back when it first became an issue, she seems to think that our sons wind each other up and are as bad as each other, which I accepted at first as my son can sometimes get carried away and end up annoying other children but after what happened the other day it seems more like he is being picked on/bullied.

When I collected my children the other day, cm mentioned my eldest had been winding the other children up and behaving in an immature way... I was in a rush so didn't say much but when we got home my son told me cm's son and the other mindee had been unkind to him all evening, and cm son had thrown a pen at him - my son now has a small cut and bruise just under his eye. He got really upset and cried today saying that he doesn't want to go back there... I just don't know how best to handle the situation.

I feel a bit annoyed cm didn't mention my son had got hurt, I was in a rush leaving but did have a quick chat about behaviour, what they had eaten etc.I just feel as though she is going to brush my concerns under the carpet and say my son and her son are as bad as each other... I have seen the two of them together and her son can be quite unkind - excluding my son, making unkind comments - but cm doesn't seem to notice!!)

I feel a bit stuck as I need cm, after school club finishes at 6pm but I cannot collect til 8pm (sometimes 8.30), no family or friends who could commit to looking after my children.

Any ideas?

Think you need to have a conversation with your childminder about it. My ds and another little boy alternate between best friends and worst enemies, they are only 2 so different situation but me and the mindees parents laugh about it. I would be really upset if the mindee felt bullied and I would want to do all I could to help fix it.

Perhaps she either didn't notice the injury or it was so minor, at the time, swelled up later? That she forgot. Not ideal but I'm giving benefit of the doubt.

In any case you are worried. No decent childminder would have any problem with arranging a meeting to discuss these kind of issues, I hope you get it resolved.

You could be right about his eye swelling up... not sure if I'm being pfb about the whole situation?! My son just seems really upset, at first I did just think it was typical children falling out/making up but he seems to be consistently unhappy about going to cm now.

Think I will contact her in the morning and try and arrange a time when I can have a chat with her about it, what concerns me is that she has been aware that there has been tension between our sons for a few months but hasn't really done anything iyswim (or she hasn't explained to me if she has)? I almost feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing... although my son crying today made me think twice. I guess I'm finding it tricky as I'm not very assertive!

I agree that they might be best friends and worst enemies, but if your son is very unhappy, then it might be time for a change. Have a chat to your CM, she might not have noticed the injury at the time. Even if you son is the instigator of trouble (and I'm not saying he is), then she needs to find a way to supervise them more closely.

At that age, my DD would just retire to her bedroom if she was annoyed, rather than interact with mindees she had known for years.

I have had mindees with personality clashes over the years and it does take a bit more effort to manage them, but it is possible.

I hope you will be able to resolve this amicably. If not, consider all the options.

Sorry ... cross posted

Hmm, i'd have a good chat with rhe child minder and if she can't come up with a good solution then i would move ds. Its harder for your ds as he's not in his own home, and having to deal with the other ds on his territory. The other ds can get away from it by heading off to his room, your ds is stuck there and forced to deal with it.

I agree, the other child can withdraw to his room and yours can't, and it's a bad position for your son to be in as he has very little control. Maybe be a bit more firm: your son is unhappy, feels bullied, has been injured - what is the plan that you and she can make, together, to resolve it? She should have a solid plan in place for all the children in her care to feel, and be, safe and well; the environment should be respectful of everyone and all that.