Problems with mother looking after kids

[Meggymoose]

In a nutshell she is inconsitently helpful/available. I have DD1 (2yrs) DD2 (5 months).

Background: We moved to her area 18 months ago so she could look after our child(ren) while both DH and I worked full-time (both shift workers). DD1 and now DD2 go to nursery Mon, Wed, Fri 8.30-3.30 and the arrangement is that mum will look after them 8-6 Tue and Weds and also collect them from nursery Mon, Fri and DD1 on a Wed - again looking after them til 6. We pay her 80 pound cash per week. She looks after them well and follows any specific rules or instructions I ask - like not smacking, or not too much chocolate etc.

Eg 1: She spent a lot of time helping me in the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy because I was quite sick and more or less housebound. Then when I was 6 days post CS she went on holiday for a week. She booked her holiday the day after I delivered. I had DD1 at home who was then 21 months and DH had to work.

Eg 2: She has booked her holiday for May, then told me and when I checked at work I cannot have the week off to look after kids. DH can have 1 day off only.

Eg 3: She has turned up at 10 ish maybe later and left by 5 on her days to have children while I have been on mat leave and has not collected DD1 from nursery unless specifically asked (like when DD2 in hospital) - despite being paid as usual.

Am I being unreasonable?
We are going to put girls into nursery for full days and I will tell her it is because we want to be able to get them there earlier - so we won't have to rely on her to collect them. But how can I tell her that we want to put DD2 into nursery on a Weds too? We need to because when she decides she is not free to look after her I'm up the creek... Problem is she enjoys having DD2 to herself when she does have her and her answer will be ...'I'm quite happy to look after her on a Weds and pick them up from nursery Mon, Fri - making it seem like we are not happy with her doing it IYSWIM. Help?! Please!

I'm afraid this can be the downside of 'using' family. I think that maybe you ought to look for a childminder who is more flexible.
I presume you have spoken to her about your worries? If not - then that should be your first port of call.
In my opinion, surely she's entitled to have her holiday as and when she pleases.The problem is YOUR employer not letting you have time off, not HER having a holiday.

This is just my opinion.

Sally

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. It sounds like your mum does quite a lot for you and 80 pounds is nowhere near what you would need to pay to a childminder for those kind of hours. It would have been nice if she had mentioned to you that she was booking a holiday but I think she's entitled to go on holiday when she wants to and if she had asked you beforehand and you had found out that you couldn't have time off, what would you have done? Told her she couldn't go then?

If you need to maintain a greater degree of control over the hours that someone works and when they take holidays, you probably need to look at a childminder who will draw up a proper contract with you.

Childcare and working IS a bit of a nightmare at times, I know. My nanny is away for two weeks in May and I am currently tearing my hair out working out after-school arrangements for my boys but you can't turn it into someone else's nightmare!

Parents are a sore issue with me right now BUT trying to be level headed....

can you sit her down and sincerely thank her for all that she has done but say that you need a more stable solution and think it would be better if you found an alternative solution.

That way you are recognising her contribution but not complaining about her inconsistency and offering her the opportunity to be more consistent but not expecting her to agree? She can't be offended and you may resolve it.

Thanks for your opinions, they are all appreciated. It's good to get another perspective. How much do childminders charge on average? I really thought mum was doing well out of our arrangement?

Meggy,you know the old adage about never mixing family and business.
Doesn't work for precisely the reasons yuo cite.

I think you are right moondog. I just don't know where to go from here? I really believed that she was taking the you know what a bit - especially leaving me on my own after my CS. But maybe I exspect too much? I would feel terrible if I am underpaying her.

I'm in the South East and charge £3.50 an hour, so £35 a day if 8am - 6pm.

Check out the \link{http://www.childcarelink.gov.uk\childcarelink website} for info for your area - just pop in your postcode!

HTH :)

I'm afraid to say that you are underpaying your mum by quite a lot. I have a childminder who looks after both my children. We pay £200 a week for her to look after them from 7:30 to 4:30 5 days a week. It does depend on where you live (for info we are in the North West). Unfortunately, if you do decide to get a childminder you will still be in the same position with holidays. You cannot dictate to them when they have their holidays, you just have to fit in with them. The only way round this would be for you to put your children in a full time nursery, unfortunately this can be even more expensive.

I don't know where you live, but in London you would be looking to pay anywhere between £30-£50 per day so yes, you are most definately under paying her. Childminders are self employed and entitled to take their holiday when they please. As a childminder she is also entitled to 4 weeks paid holiday.
If you want to be her 'employer' then you need to employ her as a nanny and pay her more than you are doing now.

Sorry if I sound un sympathetic, I can see it must cause problems for you, but it does seem to me you have been having it too easy. I would either put the girls in nursery full time/find alternative childcare (childminder/nanny) of put up with it.

Afraid I agree with the others. I live in Surrey and my childminder charges £4.50 an hour, so on average I end up paying her £130 per week. I don't negotiate her holiday dates with her either - I fit in around her.

The trouble with using family for childminding duties is that it's hard to draw the line between 'helping out' and 'employee/employer'. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to tell her that you need to be able to rely on her to do things when she's said she will, but equally I don't think you can expect to have a say in when she takes her holidays - or get away with paying her £80 a week for what appears to be quite a lot of work!

Thanks all for your opinions - I'm very grateful for your honesty. Have just had a chat with her and she is quite happy to let them go to nursery full-days Mon, Wed (DD1 only) and Fri meaning that she will look after them both on a Tues and DD2 only on a Weds still for £80. This is still a good deal less than I would pay a child minder I admit.

also don;t forget childminders charge per child - although many do a discount for a sibling, but your mum is getting something like a third of even less of the going rate - in which case I don't think you can expect her to keep the same standards of time-keeping and fexibliity/notice re holdidays that you would expect from a paid childminder with a contract. It's difficult cos your situation is a bit of a half way house so expectations of each other are difficult to gauge

can you not sit down and discuss all this with your mum? you are underpaying her (how old is she) although she probably loves the children very much, she has done all this before and it must be very hard work sometimes. how often do you tell her how grateful you are to her? she isnt just the minder, shes your mum, they dont last forever, make the most of it.

another thing............my inlaws and parents shared the duties (3 day week) with 1 and then my 2 children. both children got so much out of their time with their grandparents and they are all very close to each other. i never ever worried when i left for work in the mornings as i knew who was looking after my kids and how much they were loved..........all this from a childminder but family is best if you can get it. dont take the children away from her, its good for all of you, and your children will look back on their childhood with fond memories.

oh god, i am rambling. will be the wine