How did you choose your Au Pair

[CountessDracula]

I have finally given in and said we can have and au pair - difficulties with dd being ill, dh's work going mad and general exhaustion have finally persuaded me that we should give it a go.

So what did you look for in yours

I have a preliminary shortlist (not spoken to them yet)

1. English, 21, looked after her much younger siblings for the past 2 years. The first line of her profile says "I am a christian" which tbh I find offputting, not because I don't like christians but to put it in the first line may imply fanaticism do you think? She sounds very nice and sensible.

1. A 22 yo hungarian girl who says that people say she is a responsible, tolerant ,open minded person who loves fun,children and the life. That sounds more like my cup of tea, she has worked in UK for a year and I think is still here so could interview her. She has worked in a nursery too.

what do you think?

What do you look for in an au pair?

Glad she was nice CD - are you going to take her on?
Copey - try Absolute Aupairs they are based in Streatham.

Will she be instead of or in addition to your nanny? Will there be on overlap of duties here?

Will give the nanny a month's notice so that dd can get to know her well I think.

Had a rather..ahem..heated discussion with dh about this last night. He is really up for it as he thinks it will give us more flexibility and also save us a fortune (which is true) but I was again putting forward my pov which is that I feel that continuity, especially in pre-school children, is so important. She has had the same nanny since I went back to work at 7 or 8 months, but has known her since birth and she is really like part of the family.

We kept her on when she started nursery at 2.5 as I didn't like the long days for dd, so the nanny picks her up at 4 and hangs out with her til I get home.

My major concern is that whichever au pair we get won't work out for some reason then dd will be shoved from pillar to post, (nursery in the day, then au pair picking her up, then me/dh home) and I feel that it can't be good for her having different carers all the time.

I had a rather Enid Blyton sort of upbringing, my parents were obsessed with us (in a nice way) and my mum was always always there for us. I just feel that I am giving dd such a different upbringing, I worry how she will feel about it and I don't want her to be unhappy or feel that we don't care about her. No amount of money saving or freedom could be worth that.

Dh's take on it is that they had au pairs all the time, their mother was always out and tbh wasnt' that interested in the day to day mainenance of the kids! And it didn't hurt them.

So we come from such different sides of the fence on this - I can see his pov and he thinks I am being overprotective. Am I?

(sorry about that outpouring rather long!)

On the other hand this girl was fab and I know dd would adore her

oh and dh said if I feel so strongly about it I should give up work

How old is your dd again, is she nearly 4?

I think children are more flexible than we give them credit for tbh. And she won't be from pillar to post, her days will remain the same at nursery, it is only the 2 hours after with the au pair that is going to be different.

I hope you told dh that another option was that he give up work.......

CD, we are going to have to be changing nannies some time later this year, again, so I've been thinking about this again. The two things I come back to are:

• our longest term nanny, who was with us for three and a half years, is a family friend now, and takes the children out at a weekend every few months, comes to birthday parties, and so on. Whatever else changes in their lives they know they have her, as well as their parents, as their friend and that is a real security (with a sort of extra-specialness that comes from not seeing her day in day out). It sounds as if your nanny might have the same post-job relationship with your dd; and

• finding out that there are lots of people to enjoy being with and being looked after by is quite a good life-lesson, I think - ie that there's more than one way of life being perfect.

I think Issymum is v good on this kind of worry. Perhaps she will pop in.

oh, and I'm the one who says, I want to give up work ... (then changes mind)

CD i know it must be hard to make such a big decision you sound like a lovely mum but honestly i think children are pretty resilient (sp) when it comes to nanny change overs. Just as long as its done sensitivly there shouldn't be a problem and the au pair sounds really nice too! Good Luck i think you should go for it!

Ahh thank you all.

Nannyj it's not the changeover that is worrying me per se, it's the thought that there may be more than one in a short space of time if for whatever reason it doesn't work out.

Bink yes, I do envisage the relationship with her nanny continuing. She is such a lovely person and she really does love dd as if she were her own. (which is another reason for not doing it!) I did think of making her a sort of honorary godmother or something like that!

Yes dh did say either of us could give up.

The problem is I have a dream job. Not the work but the circumstances. As an IT consultant/analyst/project manager type it is very hard without going in-house (boring, crap money) to find a job that doesn't involved travelling AND they will let you work part time AND they still pay you when dd off sick AND they pay you loads anyway! Mine is all of those. Plus I really like the people I work with and I feel very valued there, but don't have to work long hours.

Also dh and I earn about the same so either of us giving up is a big loss in earnings.

CD you just sound like you've got a touch of the working mother blues - always brought to the fore when there is change afoot.
I can really relate to your anxiety about changes with carers - its one reason I've been nervous about investigating the whole nanny thing. But rationally, it is you and dh who provide the stability in her life, so I don't think in the scheme of things it is going to matter, as long as the au pairs you find are nice.
I torture myself endlessly that it woudl be 'nicer' for my boys if I was with them more - but actually, they are really fine and happy. It is just something in MY head that I'm somehow not being the best mother I could be.
btw, we had au pairs who changed every year and you know what, I have no memory of them whatsoever. I suspect its not nearly as important as you think...

Elliot my god I hadn't thought of that. It's true I am SO anti change when it comes to anything to do with dd. And I was very pro change before having kids. Poor dh no wonder he gets peed off!

We had au pairs too the only one I can remember was a french girl who made me do the ironing and smoked non stop and talked on the phone in french all the time!

CD - I am in the same profession as you and have 2 dds 8 and 5. Since dd2 was 4 months old our experience of childcare has been a Nanny (still a friend), 2 x awful Nanny's (sacked after a month each),sahd,nursery,childminder(now a friend), 1 x awful AP (sacked after 7 weeks), 2 x wonderful lovely APs. Our last AP is still in touch with dds and takes them out for the day - she was with us for a year. Our current AP is here for six months.

Like you, after the nightmare experience of having to sack 3, I was very dubious of the going the AP route again. We didn't need an AP, but dh wanted to try it again so that it would make our life a lot easier. I was against it but agreed for the last time. I am so glad I went with him. Our AP experience (due to the deeply instrisicate recruiting procedure that I now use) has been so enriching and we love our APs.

I can really understand your insecurity about this. Every time I had to sack someone I thought about what I was doing to my dds in terms of consistency of care. But, I can honestly say, it hasn't affected them one bit. In fact, it has made them more loving and more sociable and more able to adapt to situations. They never forget the childcarers they have loved but instantly forget the ones that did not love them.

But you really need to make sure you have got the right person that will fit with your family and not just someone that you clicked with (I speak from experience here!).

Thanks MrsR

I think she would fit in as she wants a life outside too, she has lots of friends here. We don't want someone moping round the house all the time!

There was a brilliant piece in the Times once that a columnist did on working mother guilt and I meant to post it at the time, will try and find it, it really struck a cord.

What do you think you will do?

I think I will give it a go
I had agreed to

We had the same argument about state vs private primary last night too!

I just don't wnat dd to do something I didn't do, am scared that I won't understand any problems she is having IYKWIM as won't have been there myself Is pathetic really

\link{http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,7-2062162,00.html\here}

I thought it good, some of you may disagree.

oliveoil that is a really good article

One thing that helped me over-come my "guilt" was doing a very basic "pie-chart" - using a spreadsheet. In it I entered the actual time spent with my dds/doing household chores/working/going out with dh/personal time and compared against the time I would like to spend doing these. I was completely surprised that, in breaking up every hour of the day/week (24 hours x 7 days), the time with my dds was very much equal to my target which equated to well over 75% of the time available.

I was expecting that the majority of my time was spent at work but was amazed that this % figure was quite low. Try it out!

OK I have

Sleep 31%
DD 26%
Work 21%
Me/dh 11%
Chores 6%
Travel 5%

Over the week

maybe I should sleep less

So you spend more time with your DD than you do at work. I had always assumed sleep was top, then work, then kids.

Or co-sleep with dh and dd - then you'd up their percentages!!

Oh yes I do half the time anyway!

OMG have just done this for dd

Sleep 49%
Us 27%
Nursery 17%
Au Pair 7%

WOW
I cannot tell you how much better that makes me feel

See!