New Au Pair.....what would you do??

[NorfLondonMumOfTwo]

I could really do with some advice on this one.. I've had au pairs before and it's always worked out brilliantly with the ones who want to get stuck in with family life, explore London, experience a new culture and improve their English.

So I tend to select my au pairs on how enthusiastic they seem about spending a year with us and how they get on with the kids, rather than how domesticated they are. I have relaxed expectations on that front and am rarely disappointed, ha ha

A new 18yo au pair joined us from France last weekend. She came from an agency and I chose her as she seemed to tick all of the 'enthusiastic' boxes on interview - Skype, a couple of telephone calls and my lovely former French au pair talking to her too.

So I was quite surprised when we got to the 'no boys in your bedroom' conversation to be told that she is engaged to be married. Her and her fiancé are childhood sweethearts and had every intention of going to a FE college together. He flunked his Baccalaureate and needs to spend a year retaking, which is why she is now au-pairing.

We're less than a week in and she is clearly miserable and the opposite of enthusiastic about being here. She didn't tell either me or my former au pair she was engaged, nor did we ask for that matter. I'm also pretty straight down the line about no men I don't know/haven't met in the house overnight, even if they are engaged to my au pair - I'm a single parent. This may become an issue in future.

Has anyone ever had an experience like this before? I expected an enthusiastic teenager, not a homesick fiancée...my instinct is that this may not be a passing phase either, but on the other hand we're only one week in.

Why don't you get to know the fiance? Is he in France?

I can kind of understand that, as a single parent, you want to have a say about who sleeps under your roof but at 18 she's pretty much an adult.

If it's a long term, committed relationship it's different to her going out on the pull every weekend and bringing home strangers, surely?

Does she have the opportunity of meeting her boyfriend elsewhere?
I learned the hard way when I met one of my colleagues on the landing one morning!

We had a similar situation - our AP last year arrived with her boyfriend/fiance in tow. He left uni to join her in England. Was at our place every weekend virtually the first term.

You will need to decide what is more important to you - no men under your roof or allowing her to have him come to visit and continue in the position.

It doesn't matter, in my opinion, that sh'es pretty much an adult etc etc. When you take a job living in someone's home the rules are different, you can't expect to do everything your way. If it's important to you to be able to do things your way all the time, then a live in role is not for you or find a family that shares similar ideas.

It does matter what you said in the contract before you hired her though - our issue was we were very liberal in our visitors policy because it was designed to accomodate a boyfriend from home coming periodically. Not an AP and her boyfriend colonising our loft as a little flat for themselves. But drawing this disctinction after the fact was hard.

Did you mention a visitors policy to her before she arrived?

Sit down and have a chat to her. You dont have to invite her BF over, and I wouldnt let her into the idea that she can have houseguests of any sort unless you want them in your home. I dont care if she is an adult -your house - your rules.

But if she really isnt happy here, you might need to suggest she goes back home before she drags your whole family down.

FWIW my male au pair has just had his GF here for a week.

But our house rules clearly say no houseguests without my permission and I made it clear that when she was here he was still at work and I expected him to do his job

We did have one au pair who moved her BF in - I ended up chucking him out as he started to treat my house like it was his - she was very upset

We have had many au pairs. Initially we always felt strongly about the 'no boys' staying overnight type of thing. But then we had a lovely au pair who also turned out to be engaged (we hadn't checked this and only found out after she stayed with us for about a week).

In the end we decided that it was better to get to know her fiancee and to give it a chance. He was very nice. He then came over most weekends and it never caused any problems. Our au pair was very happy, we were happy.

After this episode we have been more relaxed with boyfriends staying. Let's be honest, if it would have been our own daughter we would also have allowed her boyfriend to stay and we try to treat our au pairs very much as part of our family.

So my advice would be to give it a chance.

You probably need to sit and have chat with her - my second au pair had left a boyfriend at home and was quite miserable and after 5 weeks I suggested that if she wasn't happy after 5 weeks it was a bit of problem - she didn't respond much but did sort herself out - her boyfriend only came over twice ( But he was the brother of our previous au pair as that was how we came to get the au pair) and we let him stay over at our house and in fact he was lovely and the kids enjoyed the novelty of someone new.
But I do have a bit of a problem with my new au pair and would appreciate some advice - her CV stated no boyfriend and our forms had stated no overnight boyfriends. When she arrived (6 weeks ago) she told me her relationship status had changed and she now had a boyfriend and that she understood she couldn't have him staying overnight. But she said he wanted to come over for a long weekend in 6 weeks time. Anyway she has just had him over for the weekend - they stayed in a hotel in central London and I arranged cover for her Monday morning she would normally have worked to spare her having to get up at the crack of dawn at get back to us in time for work - she has been okay doing the work in the meantime. The boyfriend just left this Monday and she has told me he is planning on coming back in 6 weeks. I told her that as long as it during her free time that's fine but I don't want to be put out every 6 weeks if that is how often they plan on meeting. I also suggested she needed to think about he relationship and working here - not sure what I was trying to get at here TBH as I was a little irritated at this point. To be fair she replied that she didn't want to cause problems but I think this is going to be an on going issue and usually I avoid the ones who have boyfriends for this very reason.
Not sure what else I can do at present but any advice from anyone else's experience would be much appreciated.

To Red - I would again say 'give it a chance'. A happy au pair is her weight worth in gold!

I always ask prospective aupairs if they have a boyfriend in their home town. If so, I generally don't go for them, because the risk of homesickness is too great and there is also the issue of their boyfriends staying over for extended periods. Also, I don't think the aupair will get the full experience if they don't go out and meet new people.

A happy aupair is one that stays. A long distance relationship lowers the chance of this happening, all other things being equal.

First off, I'm new to MN and think this is just great! Thanks all for chipping in - the collective wisdom of a bunch of clued-up mums is a pretty damn fine thing! . It's really helped me unpack what I really feel other than impressions and reactions.

I've decided there wouldn't be an application form long enough to cover each au-pair encounter and that you can't legislate for everything. That made me think there might be a bunch of unmentioned stuff about me and my family that wasn't covered either which she may be struggling with, so I need to be kind and go with it. For now.

Also, I think I may have been a bit judgemental about her adaptability; I went nuts in my gap year, and can't imagine being engaged at 18. (I would also have made for a rubbish au pair though!)

@dikkertjedap, you are spot-on with a happy au pair is worth her weight in gold; I'm pretty liberal and guess my rules relate to one-night stands. I think I would rather be dealing with a devoted French country gal in London than someone who was here for the clubbing/men ;) Infact, I had one of those and she didn't last long. I need to get to know her better. And then maybe him too.

So I'm going into cut-some-slack mode and getting over not being told something at interview. We've all done it, right?

Thank you Dikkertjedap - yes will give it a chance - in fact found out my son really enjoyed having a male to run around the garden with so maybe in the future will probably allow him to stay over. Part of me can't understand being in a serious relationship at that age - I was a rather immature student at 19 years of age!
And NorfLondonMumofTwo - yes the overnight stay ban is really to discourage one nighters and it is better not to have a latenight clubber - had one au pair once ask me what time we would be home after an evening of babysitting as she wanted to join her friends at a night club - she was actually lovely but I was a little irritated at the home at being given a time I should be home.
There are always teething problems and I have to keep reminding myself that as long as the children like her and are happy that's all that matters.

I am with "give her a chance" camp.

Not sure if this helps at all but this is how it works with us:
We are quite liberal with our au pairs' boyfriends and I have to say so far it has worked out really well. We have it in the contract that she can have boyfriends/gilfriends stay over, but only during weekends (her non working time) or holidays and only after checking with us that the weekend in question works for us.

Our current au pair doesn't have a boyfriend (but has had mates stay over) but our previous one did, and he came over three times in the year she was with us, he was lovely and very sweet with our daughter and we are still in touch with the old au pair and the boyfriend.

I personally think it is ok for them to have their boyfriends over but I think you need to set some rules (when, for how long and how often) and I think it can work really well. If your children are happy with the au pair and like her, in my view, nothing beats that!

I wouldn't bend the no boy's overnight policy. I am very happy for family and friends to come visit.

I once had a nanny tell the vicar that he couldn't come over when I wasn't home and I laughed and told her I thought he'd be okay.

I m not a hotel and don't fancy explaining to my 9 years just why au pair and her boyfriend want to sleep in the same room. But I do always ask about relationship status in the interview.

It depends what your underlying reason for not wanting her bf in your house. I have a no boyfriend rule too, and this is because I don't want one night stands, and because I have an impressionable 12 yo DD. Therefore I would not compromise on my rule. However, if my dc were much younger I would probably allow it.

My past APs who have had bfs always managed it by spending the weekends with their bf. However, my last AP started a new relationship, and although she knew about the no bf rule, she did sneak him into the house during the day when she thought there would be no-one in.

I would be more concerned however about her homesickness, and whether she can manage without seeing her bf so often. She seems to have put her plans on hold by Au-pairing to wait for her bf to pass his exams.

Additionally in my experience with APs, the fact they have a bf doesn't seem to affect the way do their job. What matters more is whether they have a rapport with my dc, and their general demeanour and attitude. However, I have found that the single APs make much more of an effort to make friends with more people and see more places.