I suspect new au pair is a smoker. Pls help me decide what to do!

[MGMidget]

Our new Au Pair arrived on Saturday evening. Less than an hour later I came to her room with some towels and could smell stale tobacco smoke at the door. She hadn't unpacked at this point and I hoped that the smell was a result of people smoking near her during her journey. However, the following day when I walked past her room the smell of stale tobacco was wafting out! I don't think she's smoking in the room but the smell is coming from her clothes and baggage. I am worried the extent of the smell means she is quite a heavy smoker. The thing is I specified we wanted a 'no smoker' in our APWorld profile and she also returned my email questionnaire during the application process, answering the question 'do you smoke' with a 'no'. Now I realise its possible she has shared a house with a smoker rather than being a smoker herself so I'm trying not to jump to conclusions too quickly. However, I would really like some help in deciding what to do if I conclude she is a smoker or catch her 'in the act'.

My concerns are:

1. I don't want her smoking in front of our young son. While a light 'social' smoker might manage to restrict themselves to the occasional cigarette in a bar with their friends, I'm worried that the extent of the smell means she's a heavy smoker and will have trouble going without a cigarette for any length of time. Do you think I'm right to conclude she's probably quite a heavy smoker?
2. If I discuss this with her and she agrees not to smoke in front of my son or in our house what happens when she's desperate for a cigarette? I'm worried she'll go outside and leave him unsupervised, or get really irritable and distracted so not be so good at her job.
3. I have googled some information on second hand smoke on clothes, skin etc and it seems this is also harmful to young children even if they are not directly exposed to cigarette smoke. I'm not sure how seriously to take this but my son does suffer from eczema and mild asthma so I am trying to keep these things well controlled!
4. I really hate the idea of stale smoke wafting around the house (if it gets worse than it is now) and starting to lodge itself in the soft furnishings in our house. I really don't want to have to replace the bed and all the soft furnishings in the Au Pair's room when she leaves and if they stink I'm sure the next (hopefully non smoking) au pair will be unhappy!

On the other hand it is going to be a real pain to sack her and find a replacement at this time. It is a busy time of the year for me and I recruited her after careful selection and reference checking back in June. This has been carefully planned and I arranged for her to start a week before our current au pair leaves so there is a handover period. Everything was going smoothly until this red flag! Aarrgh!

I'd really like so help in working out what to do. I think it is better to try and resolve this quickly before my son gets too attached to her if we are going to have to let her go. Do you think I should:

1. Confront her by asking her if she smokes as I have noticed the smell coming from her room? That would give her the opportunity to explain (and ideally put my mind at rest) but it may also mean that if she is trying to cover up the situation it may be harder to catch her 'in the act' later.
2. Say nothing for the moment but keep a close eye on her to see if I or our current au pair can catch her in the act? Our current au pair is planning to take her out for a drink one evening. I could ask her to try and find out if she smokes, maybe by offering to buy her some cigarettes at the bar.
3. Remind her of the house rules (she's had the handbook already) by telling her that she must never smoke in front of our son or in the house, only when she is off duty? The thing is it shouldn't be necessary to remind her of this if she is a non smoker as she stated so I don't think I can say this unless I also do point 1!

If it turns out she is quite a heavy smoker would you automatically sack her or try to make it work by using the house rules? I am wondering if anyone has been in my situation and did you manage to make things work or did you have to send the au pair home?

Thanks for feedback and sorry for long posting. This is troubling me as you probably realise!

rather than spying on her, ask her! nicely! maybe she had given up when she applied.maybe she doesnt get how anti smoking the uk is. if she sheepishly admits to the odd fag, why not suggest she tries electronic cigarettes. if she is suitable in all other respects, you can manage this pleasantly without it being a high drama.

How old is your son and how many hours is she going to be in sole charge of him?

There are potentially some trust issues if she lied in a job application and I agree with MrsMarigold that I need to think about what else she may lie about. Some employers would sack just for lying in a job application alone.

An au pair handbook is good practice when employing an au pair. There is even an expectation among many au pairs that there will be one and they are reassured by it. Our new au pair even asked me to send it to her a couple of months ago so she could read it before she started so she clearly expected me to have one prepared! I checked and her au pair contract also states that she mustn't smoke in the house or in front of my son.

Kaluki, thanks for your feedback that second hand smoke doesn't get into soft furnishings. That's a relief at least if its correct.

Any au pair employers out there care to give me some feedback on my dilemma? Thanks!

I would firstly ignore the not-very-helpful comments so far. You've looked for a non-smoker to live in your house, you've asked the question about smoking and she's said no, so I think it's quite right that you feel put out. But you don't know the truth. If I were you I would just ask her outright about how you noticed the smell of smoke, not in a hostile way obviously, just have an open, non-accusing conversation about it. If it turns out she's a smoker, give her the choice of not smoking at all in the house/while working, or leaving.
Don't worry too much about it in your head though, just go and talk to her. There are far worse things that could happen with childcare.

Oops, thread moving so fast that au pair employers are commenting while I was typing last message. Thanks.

And to clear this up: "Is it actually legal to sack someone for being a smoker? Even if it's not at work?"

She would not be sacked for being a smoker, she would be sacked for lying in her application.

And even if she hadn't it is not possible to claim for unfair dismissal for most reasons within the first 2 years of employment.

OP is the smell just coming out of her room, or does she herself smell of smoke?

It may be that her "going out" clothes smell of smoke from bars/clubs and perhaps that's what you are smelling?

I'd be tactful about asking - if you go in all guns blazing, she may automatically lie. Perhaps she started smoking again since the questionnaire was filled out, perhaps she only smokes 2 a day.

However, I think if you specified non smoker, and she turns out to be a smoker, you then have to make the decision if you want to get rid of her based on that (and on how she reacts when you bring it up with her). Sometimes a small sign like this is representative of a larger problem (wish I'd taken that principle into account when recruiting for work in the past!)

After all, she will live in your home - it's not like sharing an office with a smoker. As a non smoker myself, I don't mind visitors smoking (they go out in the garden without being asked), but I'd HATE to have to share with a smoker.

Can we wait until the op asks her if she smokes before we have her judged and sacked for lying?

I find it hard to believe that second hand smoke won't cause your soft furnishings to smell over time tbh. I wouldn't ambush her, but I would keep a close eye. If she is a smoker, I would get rid. Where is she going to smoke where she is not going to be in close contact with your child?

NormaStanleyFletcher, my son is 4 (almost 5). She's employed as an au pair plus so will work up to 30 hours a week. Not all will be sole charge but enough for me to be concerned. At age 4-to-5 he is probably old enough with a bit of prepping to tell me if she is smoking in front of him (I may have to explain what smoking is first since we don't smoke!).

I would certainly rather try and make this work if I can.

Please don't ask your child to spy on the au pair.

Just talk to her.

I think if she was a smoker she would have gone to great lengths to hide this from you, and certainly would not have arrived smelling of smoke.
I am a smoker. I have worked with children for many years. Neither parents or co workers have known unless i have told them or been out socialising with them. They have all been very surprised. I never smoke whilst on duty. I don't smoke inside, keep work clothes separately, and don't smoke in them. In recent years it has become impossible to get a job if you admit to being a smoker, so, though in the past I would be honest and say, yes I smoke, but never on duty, I now have to lie and say I am a non smoker.
I don't see it affects my ability to work or the health of the children in anyway, and is frankly nobody elses business!

Thanks for the advice. I'm veering towards watching for a couple of days and asking the current (outgoing) au pair for her opinion. As they are a similar age she may be better at sussing out the situation than me! Then I'll have a gentle chat with her about the smokey smell in a few days when we've both had a chance to get to know one another a bit!

I don;t think I'd want to work for you, smoker or not. What country is she from? Lots of countries don't view smoking as being so unacceptable as it i in the UK.

Botandhothered, I think you've hit the nail on the head there that its become impossible to get a job (in childcare) if you admit to being a smoker. I think au pairs find it hard to get a job if they admit to being a smoker which is why I am getting suspicious given the smell of stale smoke! If it doesn't affect her work or our house in any way then I'm happy to try and make this work with the new au pair if I'm getting a good impression of her in other ways. However, I think when someone is living in whether they are a smoker or not can have more of an impact than if they are turning up to work at a separate place of employment. Hence my anxiety!

laptopcomputer, she's from France. I think more people do smoke in France, although I have a number of French friends and none smoke! Anyway, if she did lie to a direct question on whether or not she smokes I don't think what is culturally acceptable in her own country is particularly relevant (unless we are talking about whether its culturally acceptable to lie!).

MG I also hate the smell of stale tobacco, hence why I don't smoke in the house! If it was me, even as a smoker, I would tell her her things smell of stale smoke and offer to wash it all for her. Once you have eliminated the smell from her room and clothes you will soon be able to tell if she is smoking or not. I agree though that you shouldn't mention the smoking to your son. He will pick up on the fact that you don't trust her and it may make him feel insecure.

How would you even be able to prove if she lied on the application? She could have started smoking after applying.

I just don't see what business it is of the employer if she is not going to be smoking at work or in the house.

Would this argument be accepted if she had BO? Or is it just smokers it's acceptable to be against?

I would keep an eye for a couple of days and then ask her. I don't think setting up a sting operation with the outgoing au pair or getting your 4 year old to spy on her are particularly good ideas tbh.

It is completely reasonable to not want a smoker living in your house. Comparing this situation to a teacher/office worker etc is ridiculous. You get to have absolute discretion about who you let live in your home, it is no way comparable to the woman who serves you at the post office or a dinner lady at the kids school.

I think if she is a smoker then you need to let her go because even if she never smokes when she is with your son or in the house, do you really want her just outside the back door smoking and then coming in smelling of it? The idea that she will always go out and away from the house even in winter is only going to work if she is only smoking occasionally.

Absolutely ground breaking idea I know...but instead of becoming the smoking FBI, just ask her.

If she completed an application form for a live-in job stating truthfully that she was a non-smoker, then was daft to start smoking knowing that her boss would be expecting her to still be a non-smoker, she might not have the sense to hide the smell.

That's a good point Empress.

If she is stupid enough to apply for a job that requires a non-smoker as a non-smoker, then started smoking in between applying for the job and starting the job then she's probably too dim to be left in charge of children anyway.

Besides not wanting the smell of smoke in her home (and her right to this is higher than that of an employee's 'right to smoke')... allergies need to be considered. As an asthmatic it would be a death wish for me to have a smoker move in.

As to second hand smoke not ruining furniture - that is not right. My DH stored a few items of furniture in his (smoking) mum's home and we had to throw it all out. REEKED. And she said she'd never smoked in that room even.

Hope she isn't a smoker for you/your kids sake OP. Will be interesting what you find out.

It is not too much to ask that someone tells the truth on an employment application for a role coming to look after someone else's kids and living in someone else's home. OP acted in good faith when recruiting this girl - IF she is lying it's not 'no big deal' and 'none of OPs business.'

FFS.

OP I would be tempted to get someone in to have another little snif - not your current AP (this would probs be awkward for her) but do you ahve a neighbour or friend close by who could give you a cross check on whether it is what you think it is (and not something else - whatever that could be.) Then I would ask outright.

I don't know if it helps if I recount my own experience with this.

Our current aupair was also recruited as a non smoker. We recruited her in Feb for a August start and exchanged frequent emails. Around he June time I saw pictures of her smoking in various situations on her facebook page.

I didn't really know what to do.

I basically wrote an email talking about a made up scenario where a friend's aupair had been secretly smoking, and that if I were in that position I'd like to know. At this point she admitted that she was a smoker but had s had wirtten non smoker as she intended to give up before joining us.

She obviously did not give up. She also went from not smoking in front of the kids to becoming quite a heavy smoker who often nips out for a fag.

Now being an ex smoker myself I felt that although I wasn't thrilled that we now had a smoker, being a smoker does not affect how good you are with the children. And as she is brilliant with the kids she has now been with us for 2 years.

However, the way she dealt with the whole smoking thing is quite indicitive of her personality- even now- she will not lie- but often withholds the truth if she thinks I might disapprove of something. Having had a horror aupair before her, its something I have learnt to put up with because the kids adore her. But I have found trust to be quite difficult.