Childminder virgin- any tips or advice??!

[cheekymonk]

hi there, My dd aged 18 mths currently goes to nursery tues, weds and fri 8.30-3.30 and I work 16 hours per week whilst ds aged 7 is at school. I need to increase hours as really struggling financially despite using childcare vouchers from both my and dh's wages and no tax credits.
Nursery can't have dd any more days so am pretty sure I will go for childminder. I have always used nurseries and liked the fact children were in supervised care (ie. not just one unsupervised adult, lots of adults in proximity) the socialisation, activities and the fact I just feel they flourish with this input.
i think I have been a bit blinkered however and it has been pointed out to me that a good cm will make a child feel part of the family! I do think combining both will work and if it does i will gradually withdraw dd from nursery leaving her with the free hours there perhaps when she is that age as she does love it there and i feel totally happy and relaxed with her in their care.
also though and this is hard to admit as i think its selfish i didn't want dd to gain a really strong attachment to just one person. At nursery she is close to one of them which I have been reassured about and pleased by but, I don't want to be replaced...
So, any thoughts or tips or advice? do other people do this???

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my DS1 had the same childminder for over 4 years - he had a strong attachement to her but in no way was I or my DH replaced -

Children need to make positive relationships with their carer...this does not mean we replace you as you are the mother but we are there for them when you are at work to comfort and have fun with
Children need to trust and feel safe with their carer...do you not feel this is important? or would you rather have your child with someone he is unhappy with?

I feel important in the life of my cared for children but would never want to take over as parent...
how do our parents feel when we meet someone and fall in love...they are happy because the feeling is totally different and in life we have feelings for lots of different people...parents can never be replaced...is there a kind of guilt underneath?
Parents often feel guilty about leaving children to go to work...why? it is good to balance motherhood with other roles...be happy for your child

Of course I want my child to be happy. It is guilt, thats all. of course i want her to trust and feel safe with her carer. its just hard knowing they are with someone else for a large amount of time, thats all. Needs must with us though, unfortunately.

I do have this conversation with new parents very regularly
Please do not feel guilty that you have chosen to return to work...I support this as long as mothers do not work full time because that is when they get stressed...part time is a good balance for being with your child and also being an adult in adult situations talking about everything rather than just children issues..

Yes your child will spend time with the carer and in that time he will benefit from social interaction and the company of other children...which most children seek naturally as they are 'social animals'...and at the ned of the day he will be very happy to see you and we will be delighted to hand back to you...

I have develop some deep and lasting attachements with children I have childminded over the years. Some I've continued to see socially since they've moved on and it's been lovely to maintain that relationship while watching them grow.

I have always been fond of the children, they've come to me for cuddles and comfort and older children often approach me for help in the playground at the end of school if they have a problem and their parent has not yet arrived. Lots of them really enjoy coming back to visit and play with all my toys too.

All of those things are lovely and I'm proud to have developed those trusting, caring relationships with so many children. However NOT ONE CHILD FEELS THE SAME BOND WITH ME THAT THEY DO WITH THEIR PARENTS.

I can be a good stand in with whom they feel secure but never in a million years does what they feel for me approach the emotional bond they have with their mums and dads.

By the same token I care deeply about the childminded children but it doesn't approach the strength of the bond I have with my own.

Don't worry that your child may develop attachments with other people who care for her. It will be brilliant for her but it will never replace or diminish the bond she has with you.

I am a childminder of six. I give my best to them all, but I will never replace mum.

Go with the cm who you feel is the right one. Have peace of mind knowing your little one is being cared for and is happy with that person.

Thanks ladies. that is reassuring. I'm being a bit irrational and unreasonable aren't I? Thank you sincerely x

No you're not being irrational or unreasonable!

Leaving your child with someone else is a very emotional experience.

Someone once pointed out to me that many childminders are doing the job simply because they don't feel able to leave their own child with someone else. Those who are doing it for that reason know exactly how you feel and will do everything they can to support and reassure you and I'm sure all the others would understand too.

Look for a childminder until you find one who feels right for you and your DD and then you can relax in the knowledge that she is well cared for and happy.

"Please do not feel guilty that you have chosen to return to work...I support this as long as mothers do not work full time..."

What a strange thing to say.

cheekymonk please be assured that there are many childminders who will be willing to support you whatever your childcare needs and choices. A childminder for 'second family' style care plus 15 hours of state-funded nursery school is a combination that works well for many, although note that many childminders are unable to give a reduction in their daily rate for time at nursery.

Our eldest child who is about to leave for university was cared for by a childminder for her first eight years; the childminder is still a family friend.

Mr Anchovy once again you quote me...back on the attack .....I do have some experience and would not have said that unless I had some backing to it...how many parents do you interview for childcare and listen to their worries????

Of course we support parents returning to work but experience tells me they would prefer part time work to full time to spend more time with their children and I was just enocouraging this parent not to feel guilty...which many parents admit to and is a subject widely studied in Early Years Degrees

I have recently met with a new parent and this was the very subject

I am sure you are very good at your profession but do try to respect ours....some of us do know what we are talking about !!!

FWIW Italiana, I was also at that comment
A very sweeping statement
And not true of all working mothers..

Thank you for that...
I would like to add that some of my past cared for children, now at university, stiil remember the times in my care with fondness...it is not unusual for some to knock on my door and come for a chat with their 'childminder'

I take great comfort from that....positive relationships lasting into early adulthood...oh ...some of them also would like me to look after their own children when they have their own family....a great honour for me !

I saw my first cm today!!! It went ok BUT she barely talked or interacted with my children and instead was focused on impressing me. She showed me the photos of her mindee, their learning journey, all her quals (which were brilliant) but she looks after 1 child currently, has only been childminding a year so not been OFSTED inspected yet and has no children of her own. I could see she was nervous and clearly lacks confidence but both me and my ds agreed we couldn't wait to go!!! i feel mean, but I just don't think she's right for us. Have 2 more appts tomorrow so will see how that goes. thanks again for advice.

I am a CM with a mixture of full and part time children. A good CM will support parents and work with them to provide the best possible care. I like to think my mindees are happy to come and learn through play with me, with all their big & little friends and are then happy when a parent (or whoever) comes to collect them to take them home to their own toys and family environment.

You are quite right to walk away from somewhere you don't feel comfortable. She's probably a perfectly good childminder but clearly doesn't share your values and you'd never be happy leaving your children there.

I hope you find a lovely one tomorrow

Thanks goldmandra! yes, children would be perfectly safe and occupied with her but need to meet some more cms to get a real idea.

just back from my appts! 1st one was lovely. she was warm and held dd's hand and led her through to play area straight away. House was beautiful, so warm and welcoming and clean! DD was really happy there and cm was attentive to mindee, dd and me. Really impressed. She did refuse to give me a pack at this stage saying she doesn't have lots of paper and i asked about a complaint she had against her that was made by malicious neighbour so glad I asked.
2nd one, well 3 kids were watching dvd!!! Dark dingy and a bit smelly house if i'm honest which is a shame as cm had psychology degree! She told me all about current mindees (2 were own children) and not very attentive to dd so a definite no to that one!
I had no idea how fussy i would be- its a real minefield!

I can understand the first lady not wanting to print out lots of information to hand out to people who are just looking. I am the same but I do have it all for people to see when they are here. She sounds lovely.

The second one needs to be given a wide berth! She is the sort of person who gives childminders a bad name. In my house the children watch tv occasionally, if there is a very good reason, for a short time. I can't imagine having it one while showing around prospective parents unless I had a new or upset mindee settling in who was soothed by a favourite programme perhaps.

I don't give out paperwork on first visits.

Fair enough, its hard to know these things so thank you.

I have seen 6 childminders now!!! think i am being OTT as some seem shocked that I am not signing up straight away! Just seen one who said ' i am far too qualified for childminding' that comment has really put me off!! she is a teacher and was very cold with both the mindee and my dd. I felt sorry for the mindee! Found one i love but she charges £6 an hour and is not that flexible. have missed out on one that I really liked but she accepted another couple who randomly got back to her after a visit before the summer so she was suddenly not available. I am finding it all a bit cut throat as there are so many cm in my area and most seem very money driven rather than child. i am expecting too mucg for a cm to like children?! Some have given me paperwork too which is nice as its the details that can make or break.
I have one more to see then i think enough is enough. it si exhausting for dd and myself and proving quite stressful!! One didn't accept a no too well and is almost begging me, it is awful. She is okay but not the closest.

I would be put off by someone who thought they were 'too qualified' to be a childminder. There is no more responsible job than caring for children in their first few years!

I hope this last one works out well for you. If not can you take a break for a couple of weeks and then look round a few more places? I've had people travel quite long way to use me because they felt comfortable when they visited. That gut feeling is really important.

You are definitely not expecting too much by wanting a childminder who likes children. The problem may be that too many people see childminders as easy targets to take for a bit of a ride so we end up laying the law down very clearly right from the beginning to protect ourselves.

Yes you should be able to find someone who likes children. Money gets discussed in detail, because there are fine points which may not be obvious (ie when you pay and when you don't). I'm over qualified, but this is what I choose to do, because I love it.

Have found one!I saw 8 all together!! This one is not the type i thought I would pick. she is laid back and very chatty and relaxed! She has pet rabbits, takes the children on outings, said her house is a 2nd home and when i went was having a settling in session with a baby who had been sick twice but she wasn't fazed, she cleaned the baby and just cuddled him. she talked to my ds too and was warm, the most important thing really as I have been astounded by some of the indifference i have seen.
she emphasised that she wasn't in it for profit and doesn't charge for lateness or holiday...
She said that nothing is set in stone until dd has settled with her and taken to her, the only cm to say that.
when i rang to say we wanted to proceed she seemed lukewarm about it but maybe due to the comment I just made. I like how nothing is taken for granted until we know dd's reaction! Thanks everyone x