CM seems less than keen..help (long, sorry)

[trixie123]

CM has had DS for 2 years and DD for 1. I have no concerns re basic competency, safety etc but increasingly feel that she does it because it is a way she can earn money that fits in with her own family life rather than out of a genuine desire to care for children. My DS shows no real affection for her (unlike every other adult he spends any time at all with) and cries 95% of the mornings he is left. She has been less than supportive with recent potty training, seeming to regard it as more of a hassle than anything and DS's attitude to poo (shame, denial) I think stems in part from her reactions. DCs are due to start back with her after the summer break and I sent an email updating her on their development, progress etc. The reply was brief, showing no interest in what I'd said, no indication that she was looking forward to seeing them, just that the holiday had been good and that going back to work would be hard. To change CM would involve quite a lot of logistical issues including possibly changing DS's pre-school / school that we've planned for next year, so am sort of hoping I am just seeing problems where there are none but need some other perspectives. Any views appreciated, thanks

Trust your instincts, it sounds like you realise something is not right. If it were my DD I would find a new CM right away.

Listen to your gut.

I would also change

Look at nurseries maybe

You needn't change choice of school if they don't attend preschool I don't think

Presumably your dc are the most precious things in the entire world to you. You have serious misgivings as to whether they are happy and are letting logistics stand in your way? Seriously?

Hi op, as an ex cm I have to say that I was unfailingly cheerful with both mindees and parents even if underneath I was feeling less so inside.

A good cm is a professional and should show interest and concern in the welfare and progress of mindees or there's no point in doing the job.

She or he should be warm and cuddly.

The issues you highlight re potty training,, it's not a cms job to potty train from scratch but she should be supporting you by helping with on going training, though I have once advised parents to stop training if I feel it's too early, remember its not a nursery with wipe clean floors but her home so poo everywhere over a long time is unacceptable and horrible for other mindees( not saying this is the case with your ds)

How do you know he cries 95 % of the time with her. If that's true then it's purgatory for the whole setting and I would be giving you notice as I would feel I wasn't meeting your child's needs.

It sounds a very bad situation for everyone

Go with your feelings. I had niggles about my childminder a d when dd started to seem unhappy about going I made an excuse and removed her. I found out later that she had more children than she should have and a complaint was upheld about her not managing the children's behaviour well. I wish now that I had gone with my instinct I didn't really warm to her and tout these wee just my silly feelings when actually I should have listened to them.

thanks for the replies. I meant 95% of drop off times he cries, not that he cries 95% of the time he is with her. She says (and I do actually believe this) that he is ok when he is there. Other mindees mums have said that DS seems happy when they pick their's up. It would just be nice if he was as enthusiastic about seeing her as he is about his GP, aunties etc. Bamboo no, I wouldn't let logistics stop me from changing if that's what needs to happen, I just meant that it would mean a major rethink about the school we intended him to go to (for complicated reasons to do with geography) and want to be sure therefore that a change is needed. We're going to see how things settle down in Sept and go from there.

Hi Trixie,

I don't think you are seeing problems where there are none - as others have said you should trust your gut instinct. It sounds like you have used the CM for a long time and i presume you wouldn't have kept your children there all this time if you haven't been happy with her care - sounds to me like you have noticed a change in her attitude.

I am a CM and whilst I do enjoy my job, I don't do it primarily for my love of children - it fits in well with our family life and I make a good living doing it and I enjoy working with children. However, I would be happier doing the type of work I used to do but trying to juggle the work / home life balance was impossible. Potty training is a nightmare - I am sick of the sight of poo this last couple of weeks. Awful as it sounds there are some mindees that I have bonded with more than others - some are more loving and affectionate and some are not in the setting often enough to form a true bond.

I don't think any of these things in themselves are 'problems' as I consider myself to be a professional - I treat all mindees the same and they receive the same standard of care from me (including cuddles!) and I'm sure my parents don't have any concerns - if they did it would be time for me to give up.

As your CM seems disinterested I can certainly understand your concerns and I would certainly start considering other options.

Trixie sorry thought you meant he cried 95% of time in setting.

As for the running to cm and seeming happy to see her some if my mindees did but some cried. All children are different but if he cries at drop off that's quite normal for some but doesn't mean they at unhappy, it's usually a quick cuddle needed by cm and all is then fine..

However from what you say she doesn't seem interested in your dc and that's sad and unacceptable.

I realised that after 4 years of cming I was just getting too tired to care enough to enthuse about other peoples children so I quit.

Weigh up the issues of giving notice though, you say your child is happy in the setting, most kids have potty training hiccups and lots cry at drop off. If its worth giving notice and altering school plans then do so.

I made the mistake of using a childminder that I didn't feel 100% happy with and it ended very badly (ie in court).

Found a new one now who is absolutely lovely. I wish I'd listened to my instincts in the first place and not gone near her with a barge pole.

I very strongly feel you should find another CM now. I do not think this CM should even be working with children if she lacks the ability to show enthusiasm/ interest in your child and their learning.

If you are not 100% happy, your child should not be in that setting. Your gut instinct is always right. I hope you follow it and find someone who will truly appreciate their place in your child's life and in assisting their development.

I am a CM and would really appreciate a parent telling me if they felt like this -feedback is an essential part of building relationships. Don't get me wrong, trust your gut, but maybe she is a little less than professional as she has known you a long time... no excuse however and your children need to be happy. Possibly move them, the relationships they build are so influential on their lives, possibly not worth the risk???