How do I explain I'm not keen for dc's to spend time with her family without causing upset?

[WhiteyBaby]

Nanny started (first time for both of us) in June. She is doing great and we are delighted with her. However there is a slight issue with her contact with family members whilst working thats causing me a bit of a headache! Wondered if anyone had any suggestions as to how I tackle this without seeming difficult or unreasonable.

For background her boyfriend (who she lives with) works in same town as us and his mother lives here too. When she started she asked if he could come into our house at the start / end of the day as he was going to drop her off and didnt want to go into work so early (she starts at 7.30). We said not appropriate and this was accepted no problem.

However, she does sometimes meet him in town (dont have a problem with this) and also meets his mum who she is close to. I have been introduced to his mum and boyfriend and both seem very nice. I know kids have been to mums flat on occasion with her if in town. His mum has also been out on trips with them to neighbouring town on train.

She has texted today to ask if boyfriend can come to house for lunch (I have replied that I dont think it approapriate). It feels like the contact is increasing and I am going to have to say something but not sure how to do it. I'm not great with this sort of thing and this is my biggest worry about being an employer iykwim.

I dont want to upset her and these people seem lovely but I do want to stipulate that they dont come to our house / she go to his mums. I think she is just finding her feet in the new nanny environment which is so much more relaxed than her previous nursery role. I have suggested we meet tomorrow for a proper chat. Any suggestions as to how I do this without demoralising her / suggesting that they are anything other than lovely but that she is at work....

Help appreciated...

I think it's ok to say this - you are the employer, after all. You can just say that you'd rather your children didn't go to her mother's house and definitely that she doesn't have other people in your house while you're not there. This is her job, after all, it's not about her socialising.

Well they are your kids and you are paying her, she's a nanny not a cm ( totally different set up). So your rules.

Still your nanny has been upfront and honest with you and you have met her bf and his mum. Still I suppose neither has been CRB checked and in this climate perhaps that's not acceptable.

To be honest as an ex cm I used to visit toddler groups etc and of course the mindees were part of my immediate family but I didn't allow extended family or visitors to drop in, I was working and it was my job, so it's about entertaining and putting the kids first not socialising with her bf.

Lots of great nannies on here though will give you advise.

Do you think she is bored? Seeking adult conversation? Maybe point her to some toddler groups, swimming classes, anywhere other nannies / childminders might frequent.

You are also well within your rights to have a word, and sounds like you should probably confront this before it be omens a bigger issue for you.

I think you need to tell her that during her work hours you want her to concentrate 100% on the children, and therefore it isn't appropriate for her to be meeting up with her friends/family or for them to come to your house.

I agree with the PP about encouraging her to make "work" friends - mums or nannies with similar aged children to yours. It can be very lonely being on your own with children all day and if she has come from a nursery then she will be used to adult interaction. If she can build a social circle so she can do a few playdates or park trips a week her life will be much more pleasant.

Beings nanny is a lonely profession, especially if you have much younger charges. I find it really difficult to meet new people as a nanny. I work almost 13 hours a day, with a 15 month old charge and I need adult conversation!

It's not so bad during term time as we go to classes every day but the summer holidays have been tough. I've met a few nannies and do see them once or twice during the week but they already have their own friends and family who they see.

My boss is happy for mums and nannies to come to the house and for us to go to theirs. She trusts me and my judgement on other people. She is out of the house for 13 hours a day, she cannot meet the people I meet! That said, going to her MIL house does not benefit your child at all.

If you trust her, allowing her partner to pop in for lunch very occasionally should be ok. I am single at the moment but when I have been in a long term relationship my charges have much preferred my partner playing with them, than me! They are not with them all day so they all have fun and they look forward to their next occasional visit!

Seems a bit cheeky asking her bf to come to work every morning and then wait with her. Mornings are manic for me as have nursery and school runs so need to eat breakie get dressed and go

Nannying can be very lonely and maybe she needs some adult company - how old are your dc?

As you have met her bf and mil I don't see the problem in the odd meet in town and even possibly coming over to work house for odd play - as callaird said often the dc we look after love having someone new to terroise play with and in my last 3 jobs my dh has popped in and played with children and even taken woofa for a walk - though obv not every week/month

In her defence she is always asking you which I think goes a long way rather then just doing it - so I think she is honest and trustworthy

As you are at work There will be times that she has friends over which you may possibly will never meet - zuleikad this is quite normal - tho generally it is nannys/mum with children rather then boyfriends and mil

Are there any nannies near by? Or a toddler group or activity like tumbletots or music where she can go and meet new friends for her and your dc

Thanks all for good advice. I think DH and I have agreed we are happy for bf /mil to come here on occasion but that third parties houses a no no. We do trust her implicitly and she is doing brilliantly I think it's a case of both of us working out how this should be. She used to work locally and has childcare friends (who I know from nursery) who she sees. Also very active in getting out / going to groups so don't think she is lonely / bored. I'm going to have a proper chat with her tomorrow but feeling much less twitchy now!!

Sorry realised some questions not answered. blondes kids are young, 3 and 1 so adult conversation limited! Neither relatives are crb checked but she has been open throughout with us and I don't think she would do it any other way. It does make me want to reach aN agreeable plan with her though on this so she is happy to keep asking / telling me things she would like to do... Gah, I hate being the "boss". Thanks again for advice

Don't have a nanny but had similar issues with our aupair.

Bottom line is- I don't invite my husband into my classroom while I'm being paid to teach other people's kids. (im a teacher).

She chosen to be a nanny. While she's at work she's paid to care for your kids, not to have a chinwag with whoever.

Am surprised at some of the replies on here, TBH. IMO the nanny has totally muddled up her private life with her job and I think this needs to be addressed quite firmly. Otherwise there is a big risk that the children become appendages to whatever the nanny and family want to do. And I think there is a greater risk that the nanny will be less motivated to spend time at creches/soft play, etc and she will be less likely to socialise with other nannies (because she won't need to develop relationships with others). I think this is unhealthy and the relationship will deteriorate because the nanny herself does not understand the boundaries. If this is not dealt with I think there will come a time when nanny and her family simply plan their life to involve what suits them, and your children 'fit in' with that, not vice versa.

If it were me I'd be saying quite firmly to the nanny that she needs to be far more professional in dealing with her professional life and needs to appreciate that work and home needs to be kept quite distinct. Lunches with BF DO NOT benefit the children (is BF going to be shaking rattles and jiggling baby? And will the 3YO be benefitting from the idle chit chat?). It is nice that her family are very pleasant but that is by the by. If the kids benefit from the occasional extended group, then fine, but contact that is solely for the benefit of the nanny is absolutely not on. That's the yardstick you need to explain to the nanny, and make sure that she abides by it.