I dont understand why my toddler still cries to go to the Nanny

[NannyWorries]

Hello all: I have a live in nanny who has been with us since October last year when I returned to work (so almost 11 months). I wont describe her as fun but she is sensible and has good judgement and is able. She is much older than me and has grandchildren of her own. We liked her as she came across as able and sensible and someone we felt we could trust to look after DD (both of us work long unpredictable hours and DH travels as well, so we needed a hands on / proxy parent nanny).

Though we have a live-in nanny, my DD goes 5 afternoons to nursery. A number of reasons for this: (i) we realised that nanny wasnt taking DD out or giving her as much activity as we'd like and so nursery was a viable option; (ii) nanny gets a break.

What I am struggling with is as follows: when I am around, my DD refuses to go to the nanny (I sometimes need to work from home etc). This is the same nanny that she seems happy to play with in my absence. Also, now when I go to work in the morning, she cries "no office". But my nanny assures me that she is happy and fine once I am gone. Also, the nursery tell me that DD is fine - active and plays and generally happy.

I will be the first to admit that DD is not the easiest of toddlers. She cries a lot and can be clingy and does not sleep through the night. However, Nanny maintains that all of that is drama reserved for me and that when she is with the nanny, DD is easy (plays on her own, eats her food without fuss, does not cry to sleep etc).

Note that the nanny has been DD's primary carer due to my work hours, including, sometimes sleeping with DD in the nursery if she is unsettled etc. So I would have thought that by now, DD would have developed a strong bond with the nanny (and that I'd be jealous). But I think it is the other way round in our case!! DD screams if nanny comes to take her for bed time or bath (note: I do all of this when I can, but sometimes I ask nanny to do it even if I am around for various reasons).

I tried to speak to my nanny about this and she gets very defensive and says that DD generally cries and has learnt to cry and get her way and is like this only when I am around and is otherwise fine with her. I am now realising that my nanny is getting frustrated when DD cries to go to her; only makes DD cry and scream louder.

But I was wondering if anyone has had similar experience (including nannies) and would welcome your views on it.

Why would you expect your toddler to have a stronger bond with the nanny than she does with you? It sounds perfectly normal if your toddler prefers you to her when it comes to bedtime etc. Indicative of the strong bond DD has with you rather than any failing on the nanny's part.

It sounds as though your DD is happy when the nanny has sole charge and happy when she's at nursery - I don't really see what the problem is?

i don't mean this to sound rude so hope you don't take it that way but it sounds as though your dd is just desperate for your time and attention how old is she? i have a child that care for 20 hours a week and the other 30 (!) she is in nursery.... it is a lot of time away from mum for a young child. some will adapt but most will put up a little bit of a fight!! i think she is just trying to let you know that she would prefer to be with you than the nanny. i don't think the nanny is doing anything wrong. have you ever seen your dd with the nanny when dd doesn't know you are there? (out and about or at home playing) if she does really seem happy then i think it's just a case of dd trying to let you know she needs you.

Zuleika - I dont expect DD to have a stronger bond with the nanny. But I wouldnt expect her to scream and protest when the nanny comes to do stuff she normally does in my absence. A little bit of a protest - understable. Constant crying and screaming through bath?
I had a nanny growing up. I preferred my mom to my nanny, but I adored my nanny and loved to spend time with her even if my mom was around. Its not about preferences, I am just stating what I am seeing at home and it strikes me as odd as thats not what I expected from my experience.
Also, if my mom or my aunt were around (and DD sees them a lot when we go home), she has no issues being cared by them, irrespective of whether I am around - this is even though she only sees them about 4 weeks a year.
Maybe it is a non-issue but I am just looking for some views.

Thanks ReetPetit. Maybe you are right. Its just DD trying to get my attention as against protesting against the nanny. Its know friends at work in similar positions. Some of them tend to bring their nannies with them to help and the kids are perfectly happy with the nanny. In other words, they seem equally happy with nanny and mommy. Nanny is like part of the family, which is what I'd like as well.
I am just trying to find out how I can make my DD happy and feel secure. Sure she would be happiest if I was at home full time. But sadly, I am not able to do that.

Hi NannyWorries, sorry, I wasn't suggesting you should feel guilty and need to be at home 24/7, hope you weren't offended i think it's just about balance. children do fine with other carers, it's just the 50 hours a week i think is pretty tough on them.
if you have genuine concerns that something untoward is going on when you are not around, then you need to address them. do you have anyone who could 'spy' on your behalf? anyone who goes to the same groups as your nanny and dd? is your dd old enough to speak about how she is feels about the nanny? would she be able to tell you if the nanny was unkind to her? you say she is happy with your mum and sister but perhaps that is because she knows you don't leave her with them for long periods of time?

I think it's good of you to ask but I truly feel that it could be your own emotions, and your nanny's that is causing your child to react. Children are always observing things, and can pick up on cues about how others are feeling more than we might realise. If you are feeling guilty/ nervous/ anxious/ worried about leaving your child with the nanny, they will respond to this. What do you do when your child cries in the mornings? If you respond by giving lots of attention (very natural response) then your child has successfully 'read' your feelings and got what they wanted.

Any uncertainty you have about the nanny will be noticed and your child will respond to that.

If your child is actually finding the separation hard, try spending a bit more time demonstrating the nanny is someone you trust and therefore that your child should feel safe with by talking with her and showing you have a good relationship. This will help your child feel more at ease.
You mentioned your child is also anxious at bath times and I would say that's because you are obviously first choice and that nanny is anxious about the handover and she has predicted that the child will scream and you will question her bond with your child.

Follow your gut if you are truly worried but from what you have mentioned, I would say its more a learned behaviour than a problem with the relationship between nanny and child.

All children would rather be with their parents - if your DD knows you are in the house she is going to want you, especially as you work long hours. She knows that when the nanny comes you go, and she doesn't want you to.

When my nanny first started (live out), my son (17m) preferred to go to her than me! He has figured out that when she arrives, it means I disappear, but he is still happy to go to her, but may need to be distracted initially (i.e. may cling to me, but when I start showing him his toys / books, he will happily accept the swap of mum for nanny). I think it helps that she is very active and plays quite physically demanding games with him (whizzing him around etc.) Perhaps your DC doesn't associate your nanny with fun?

I'm a nanny and have experienced similar in a strong willed toddler. The mother also asked me why she was crying and I told her it was cos she felt divided. The mother was spending longer and longer trying to leave and it made toddler behaviour worse. I told mother to make she was ready to leave, say a quick "bye, I'm off to work" and a hug and then leave but stand outside door to listen how long she cries for - she cried for 30 seconds and mother realised then that there was no issue with me. From then on the mother carried through with the quick leaving and toddler only then occasionally would cry. I was also this little ones main carer and I believe that at the end of the day children prefer their parents.

However, from what you say maybe you need a nanny for your toddler who is more fun and interactive with her. And also she may be very tired as when does she have day naps to catch up on sleep missed during night?

This is why I like sole charge, if mum is is in the house the child always plays up and wants mum. When mum is working child really happy and never asks for her.

My little one makes a bit of a fuss in the morning when his mother leaves. However he does the same thing when I leave at the weekends (I am a live-in nanny as well) and also he stops crying as soon as his mum left and he his happy with me. We have a really strong bond and his mum is occasionally jealous when he prefers me over her and vice versa :-) . His grandmother has now specifically asked to pick up him on her own because he doesn't want to leave me and cuddle with her .

Sorry you're struggling and I can't comment on the nanny side of things but I do know what it's like working long hours and being away from your baby and how working from home really really didn't do my LO any favours. They are obviously sad when you go and like mine did, he cried but settled very quickly once I'd gone and was fine during the day. However, being at home but not being able to care for them must be very confusing for a young child. They are too young to understand you are working they just see you being around but effectively rejecting them (not that you are!!). You describe how she cries when nanny comes to 'take' her for bath presumably because you need to work but she just wants you not nanny. It's confusing and upsetting for both of you and lovely as it is to be around, is there any way you could move out of the home for work but maybe have an early finish one afternoon, give the nanny an afternoon off and out of the house so you have some 1-2-1 time and there is no crossover.

Honestly if my child cried consistantly when going to the care of the nanny.. I would be worried. The nanny sounds grim tbh.. noit much fun at all.

She associates her grandmother/aunt etc as being a fun person who turns up every so often to say hello and she probably gets lots of attention and has a great time.

But the nanny being there means mummy will likely not be there too.

My ds does the same thing, is perfectly happy to be with my mum or sister or MIL if dh or I aren't there but if they come to visit then ds will not leave dh's or my side for fear of us leaving.

I had a nanny, who I loved, but if my mum was at home (working from home etc) I would go and pester my mum for attention. She had the novelty factor as much as anything I think.

Is there a room which is very very separate you can use if you are working at home - and don't come out to see DS etc?

same as redglow :)

children behave so differently with their nannies/cms and parents

your dd sounds happy with your nanny as sounds that she is playing you up/makes you fel guilty and is working

obv your child is going to want you if you are working from home and maybe you need to shut yourself away and ignore your dd or not work from home sb has wifi and is nice :)

I am a parent of 4, my DH's and my working committments and arrangements sound similar to yours.

IME all of mine behave differently 'for' me: more emotional (good and bad), more physically demanding (wanting lifted up for the younger ones, and lots of cuddles from the older ones) and often more difficult, but also more openly affectionate than for others.

They love/d our CM of 8 years and are still v happy to see her. They have a fab time with our nanny (live out) of almost 1 year and there is never any fuss when she is with them (after initial teething problems with DS2's behavious... )

How old is your DD? Apologies if I have not read that - I am MNing with the 'help' of DS4(30 months)...

If YOU are comfortable with your work/home balance and your childcare arrangements, then I think all you can do is be as loving and patient with your DD as you possibly can be and bide your time for this phase to pass.
The MN Mantra: this too will pass, this too will pass...

I could never work from home as my darling offspring would always hunt me down - I have on a couple of occasions left the house, waved goodbye, nanny took littlies to the park, I snuck back in, into office, door closed, and I could get on with it. Until I had to open the door to go to the bathroom, that is....

Same as red glow as well. I nannied for a family for 8 years. when mum worked from home her office was next to the little ones bedroom. it was confusing as sometimes door open and he was allowed in, other times he wasn't! also he always had nap after lunch and if mum home and working( or not) he would always try his hardest to get her attention! then fall asleep 20 mins before school run.. making for a grumpy boy for rest of day. It is hard.. he is only young and he just wants to see his mummy. good luck

Can I ask what the nanny does if she doesn't take her out or do activities with her?

I'm a full time nanny and that is basically my job description!

As well as the feeding/ changing/ caring/ naptimes, we spend our days singing/ reading/ out on bug hunts/ looking for ducks/ swimming/ running/ painting/ baking.... Endless lists ( all under 3 here)