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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Live-out nannies partner meeting up in the park

26 replies

SweetGrapes · 09/08/2012 23:07

A new nanny has just started this week with my kids. She has been having a few hours with them this week and I start fulltime work soon.
Today she had them all day while dh and I were out. When we came back she mentioned that she hadn't met her dp since yesterday as he was on night shift so he came round and they met up in the park when she had taken my kids there.
It made me uncomfortable. She's the one with the crb, references etc - not her partner. But then he was just there for a little while and she was always with the kids. But what if it progresses if I don't say anything and in winter he comes over to my house?
She had earlier said that she could maybe meet her kids in the park in the summer holidays and I had said ok.
She is a live-out nanny and has 4 kids (2 daughters 18 and 23 - also a nanny and 2 boys -16 and 12). The 12 year old would miss her and she would meet up with him at the park maybe during the summer holidays was what she had said.
Should I say something? Lay down some ground rules (what rules??) or aibu?

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solidgoldbrass · 09/08/2012 23:10

If your nanny takes the DC out of the house, she will meet people. If she goes to toddler group with the DC, she will meet people. I don't quite understand what your problem is with your children encountering members of the nanny's family when they are in her care. is it that you think she;s common and want to minimize the number of peasants your DC encountaer>

Original poster

SweetGrapes · 09/08/2012 23:14

No not really. I realise they do meet and will meet all sorts of people (again not meaning anything about anyone else - am not posh myself... It just made me uncomfortable and I am trying to figure out why and if there is anything really for me to be uncomfortable about.
What if he comes home? I think that was what really made me think - do I need to say anything...

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Original poster

SweetGrapes · 09/08/2012 23:16

Also, remembered someone on here saying that they only let their nannies friends come over if they had met and been ok'ed by the mum...
My first day of work on monday (fulltime 5 day week too) after being a sahm mum for almost 8 years so I'm getting jittery about all sorts of things.

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Rubirosa · 09/08/2012 23:19

I think it is a bit unprofessional to be honest - my DP had to come to by work once to pick up keys when he locked himself out, but it was literally a handover at the door. I wouldn't have gone to meet him, especially in my first week in a new job.

I think if it bothers you then you need to say something now - along the lines of keeping work and home lives separate. Make clear she is welcome to meet people in the park or invite them for playdates if they are friends of the children or other nannies/mums. I would have thought that should go without saying to a professional nanny, but best be clear!

IfElephantsWoreTrousers · 09/08/2012 23:20

I do understand your concerns, and I think it's fine to raise the subject and see if you can agree some "ground rules" as you say. solidgold is quite correct that your DCs will meet other people in your nanny's care and you shouldn't try to police that too much, but you can still place limits and I think it is sensible to do so.

e.g. that if meeting up with anyone who isn't a childcare professional this should only ever be in a public space e.g. Park, Museum, Zoo, never in either your home or anyone elses home, and that she does not put your DCs into the care of anyone in this category under any circumstances e.g. while she pops to the ladies. That if in a private space e.g. someone elses home, this is only OK if all other adults present are CRB-checked childcare professionals such as other nannies.

Rubirosa · 09/08/2012 23:20

Impractical for you to expect to screen every nanny or toddler group friend they and the children make though - I have never been expected to ok nanny friends with the boss.

Original poster

SweetGrapes · 09/08/2012 23:32

Agree it's impractical to expect to ok nanny friends/ toddler group friends etc. and isn't really something I would want to do.
What if it's a child minder? They have families that would be present - are they required to jump through any hoops or is it just assumed that cm is professional and will not leave mindees in anyone else's care?

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Rubirosa · 09/08/2012 23:44

Anyone living in the CM's house must be CRB checked. The CM is only allowed by the conditions of registration to leave the children with a registered assistant.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/08/2012 08:48

she met up with her partner as hadnt seen him for 24hrs ish as had been working nights???????

ffs

there were times when i didnt see dh for 2/3/4days as i worked nights doing maternity work and got home at 8am and he went to work 7.30am and then went to work at 8pm and he arrived home at 8.30pm

its her first week so yes seems a little pushy to meet him

saying that, nannies will meet other people at parks etc and no you wont meet most of them - i feel that if you trust your nanny and her judgement, then you should trust who she sees

confusedpixie · 10/08/2012 13:49

Actually, I think nanny is extremely unprofessional and quite petty (24 hrs, really?!) And her youngest child is twelve, yes he may miss her but she's got a job to do, in any other job she would not be able to meet son whilst at work. The fact she met her partner on her first week makes me think it'll be a regular occurence tbh.

MrAnchovy · 10/08/2012 14:13

In the first week? Unacceptable IMHO and likely to be the start of a slippery slope to her conducting her own family life while dragging your kids behind her.

She is not a childminder who is running a business and is responsible for ensuring any family members are CRB checked, she is your employee and should devote her time during the hours she is employed solely to the duties of her employment.

blueshoes · 10/08/2012 14:50

Just because her work as a nanny takes her out and about does not mean she can arrange meetings with her family or personal friends whilst she is on duty with your dcs.

I agree with MrA, in her first week, this is taking the piss. This is her job, not a hobby. I would make the rules quite clear that you don't encourage this and to check with you first if it is unavoidable.

Sweetgrapes, how old are your dcs?

Original poster

SweetGrapes · 10/08/2012 18:33

My kids are 12, 5 and 2. The 12 year old has learning difficulties so an extremely young 12. She is extremely good with my 12 year old and that was the prime reason why I hired her. She is working after a gap and maybe that's why is a bit unprofessional.
I will def be having a chat with her on monday and make sure some ground rules are clear.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

anewyear · 10/08/2012 18:39

WRT childminders - only 'adults' 16 and over have to be CRBd and anyone who comes to their house on a regular basis.
And no we cant just leave them with 'anyone'.

januarysnowdrop · 10/08/2012 18:56

He's probably lovely! I expect her children are as well! Why not just explain that you'd really like to meet him if he's going to be spending time with your children every so often. I think you can drive yourself round the bend with worrying about imaginary scenarios when in fact the chances are that all of these people are utterly delightful and it might even benefit your children to be forming relationships with them. I'm not a nanny, although I did employ one once - I've have been very happy for her husband to meet up with her and my dd if she'd wanted to, as it'd have been a chance for dd to get to know her & her family better.

stella1w · 11/08/2012 02:05

I think the point about CRB checks is this - obviously not everyone a nanny encounters will be CRB checked but someone who might see your kids often and perhaps spend a bit of time alone with them is someone you need to be sure about.. my nanny in the first week was taking my child without telling me to her house and meeting up with her family in the park close to her house... and while I wasn't that bothered, I did get fed up with her telling me she "bumped" into so and so. when clearly she was meeting up with them. And now my dd is wanting my nanny's sister to come to our house... and what if the nanny's boyfriend starts coming round? From time to time, it comes to light that kids have been abused by the babysitter's boyfriend.. so while it's a worst-case scenario, it's not unheard of..
If OFsted requires that everyone living with a childminder is CRB-checked, then it's not unreasonable for a nanny's employer to have similar concerns..

Redglow · 11/08/2012 07:21

I may be going against the grain here but surely if she is working she should be concentrating on your children and not meeting up with family. I think that should be done in her own time. If you had another type of job you would not be able to do this.

This is her first week, imagine what it will be like a month down the line.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 11/08/2012 13:22

No she shouldn't be organising social meet ups with her dp during working hours. No need, no good reason for it. Be careful abt a nanny looking for this set up. Not because the people your dcs may meet are dangerous or anything but we had this with our first nanny and really her focus was not where it should have been which was on our DDs needs.

janesun · 13/08/2012 23:02

I don't think it's professional to have social meet up's during working hours. To do it in her first week suggests to me that she is trying to ensure its something that could continue. In saying that, I think if the nanny was with you a while and her parents/ othe family who she'd mentioned regularly were coming to visit the area and wanted to meet the child/ren they'd heard lovely things about, it might be nice to make an exception. But never in the workplace. And I would never leave the child with another adult as i don't think I would be happy with that as a parent.

Expecting all adults present on a play date being CRB checked is just ridiculous though. How would this work? Every parent too would have to be CRB checked in case they are home ill/ work at home/ have shared charged etc. You'd have to be sure no housekeeping staff were present. The list goes on... An impossible task.

FrameyMcFrame · 15/08/2012 10:44

No not good, I just mentioned this on another thread, my old nanny did this too and I don't think it's safe. What is the point of vetting a nanny and getting all the relevant checks if your DC are going to be spending time with an unknown male stranger? Meeting with other nannies or Mums is fine but boyfriends is not a good idea.
You are paying her to look after your kids, I don't expect to be able to have my social life while I'm at work, I'm too busy working.

JennyWren · 15/08/2012 11:14

As a nanny, surely she should be focussing her attention on caring for your DC. So, meeting up with another nanny who has DC of similar ages to yours for a playdate is fine, even if that nanny is her elder daughter - because the DC may enjoy playing together. And the other nanny's prime responsibility is to 'her' Dc, as your nanny's responsibility is your children. But meeting up with her younger child is effectively a nanny share, as she will inevitably not be focussing on your DC's care alone. Now you may be happy to allow that occasionally during the school holidays - if he engages well with your eldest DS. But if your DC are not getting something out of meet-ups, in a positive way, then they aren't appropriate for work time, IMHO.

MissTran · 15/08/2012 19:08

I feel that the Nanny is not taking her job seriously, though I am a lot younger and have no children,I am also a Nanny and previously worked as a full time sole-charge nanny, I live with my Fiance in west, but have to work full time in SE London everyday, I love him dearly but have not met up with him whilst working, I like to keep work separate from my personal life. Back to the point, you should mention something to her, whilst she is with her husband, boyfriend she is not fulfilling her position as a SOLE-CHARGE NANNY.

Original poster

SweetGrapes · 16/08/2012 21:30

Thanks everyone.
I have spoken to her and she seems to have taken it on board. I really hope it works out because she is really good with them specially my 12 year old with SEN.

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 21/08/2012 15:23

I don't think that is appropriate behaviour at all

Dordeydoo · 22/08/2012 09:30

I met with my partner whilst working - had asked employer for permission first. It was partners birthday so we all went out for lunch. My partner has been invited round to their house by them for BBQs, dinner etc. so they have met him

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