Au pair's boyfriend

[Halfawife]

We have a lovely au pair who has a lovely boyfriend who lives close by.

She asked if he could stay over on a week night to which we said 'no' because: a) we don't know her boyfriend well and our childrens' safety is our priority b) it is a week night and she is working the next day c) we're not sure if we want our 3 year old to see unmarried 20-somethings having sleepovers (trying not to be morality police d) if she wants to have sleepovers, why can't she stay at his??? (Although he lives in a shared house with 4 others which is probably why).

It is hard enough having someone new live with your family but to have to have their boyfriend around too seems a bit much.

What do you think?

I'd say the same thing. It's your right to say no whatever the reason, but the reasons you've given are good.

Your house, your rules. She's got a nerve to even ask.

Musomathsci - how bloody ridiculous, of course she doesn't 'have a nerve to even ask'. Why shouldn't she ask???

This clearly shows that you au-pair is comfortable with you & asking. What was the reaction to you saying no??

Halfa - what do I think? I think it's your house, you get to say who stays and who doesn't... but that's not really what you are asking is it?!... so...

A: I presume you will be there as well? You have no reason to think he's going to be unsafe around your children... I think this is a bit OTT.

B: It's not really up to you to decide how late she stays up or how much sleep she gets when she's 'in bed'. If you had a nanny who didn't live in, you'd have no idea what she'd been up to the night before...

C: 3 year olds think sleep overs are fun. They don't picture your nanny having sex with her bf, just him sleeping there - it's hardly going to warp his/her morals.

D: Lots of reasons why your place might be better/nicer/more convenient and she wont be late :)

I would allow her to have her bf sleep over - on the understanding that this is occasionally (ie he's not moving in) and that it's not permission for randoms to stay over.

Whilst it's your house, I think you also have to realise that while she is there it's also your Au Pairs home. Give & take.

Totaly disagree with chippings comments.

I have allowed an aupair to have her bf over- but he wasn't local, came to visit from Germany on two occassions and therefore these were special occassions. However, if the bf lives nearby, it can soon become a regular expectation. And things can then start to get awkward-another person sat at the breakfast table, not just 1 night a week why not 2 etc etc... Best to have that boundary clear.

I also completely understand your concerns about your child's safety. If the bf is staying over on a work night, presumably he could still be around when you leave the for work the following day.

I totally agree that sharing your house with an aupair is a real leap of faith. One that doesn't need to be extended to other strangers he/she is friendly with.

I wouldn't justify my position. Just say that youve considered it and while you understand her position, that you don't feel comfortable with the idea.

What I didn't mention is that she asked on the first night that she worked with us!

Chipping: who knows if he sneaks into our girls' room while we are sleeping? May be OTT but better safe than sorry and I don't mind being OTT when it comes to my girls

I agree that after 6pm is her time to choose how she spends it but I think I will ask of she can stay at his.

She was fine with me saying no (for reasons a-c above) but went to his house last night but promised to be back in time in the morning.

As a live in nanny

a) we don't know her boyfriend well and our childrens' safety is our priority

How is this anything to do with the situation - chances are they will go out and only come home at bed time - hence won't see DD, also what do you think is going to happen?

b) it is a week night and she is working the next day

When I satarted my job my boss and I discussed about whether I had a "curfew" her remark was I am a grown up if I want to roll into the house at 5.30am and start work at 7.15 - as long as I am not drunk then my boss would be fine with it. I am a grown up and as long as I do my job properly etc then it doesn't matter :)

c) we're not sure if we want our 3 year old to see unmarried 20-somethings having sleepovers (trying not to be morality police

Why not? Really what is your issue behind this? :)

d) if she wants to have sleepovers, why can't she stay at his??? (Although he lives in a shared house with 4 others which is probably why).

Because this is her home :)

Please remember that as a way of spending less on childcare (livein nannies/aupairs are generally cheaper) - your house becomes their home too!! Would you expect your boss to have any say over whether you left your bedroom untidy/if you were watching tv at 4am when you had to be at work for 7, that you had a bag of crisps for your lunch instead of a salad etc? :)

Sorry crossed with your post.

at boyfriend sneaking into the children's room.

Live in nannies are slightly different from live in au pairs, though I would be uncomfortable in both instances with boyfriends staying over.

It would be harder to say 'no' to a nanny because this is her long term profession and your house is their live-in area, as mog says, and their boyfriends are more likely to be local (because the nanny is also likely to be local) and the boyfriend popping around is therefore going to be more frequent. If the nanny made it clear this is what she expected, I would seriously consider whether she was the right live in nanny for the job.

I have had many aupairs and it was a houserule from day 1 they could not bring any men into the house. Only exception was for a long term boyfriend we were introduced to but no aupair has ever asked. Because I can pick and choose aupairs, I avoid those with boyfriends in their home town (also because of homesickness risk).

Why is staying over at his in a shared house with 4 less comfortable than staying in another family's house? I would have thought they would not be as scrutinised in a large busy house than in another family's house.

Aupairs can do a lot of clubbing. They go out and probably meet men. I don't ask them about this (this is their private life). But by the same token, I don't want them to bring over someone they might have just met home.

Ditto chipping reply

Yes maybe her bf would creep into your dc bedrooms - but you could have a friend stay and her new man who you havnt met before for example and do the same

If you trust your ap with your children then trust her judgement - tho asking on the first evening is a no no

But 6mths down the line I would allow the odd night but maybe say needs to leave by 7am if a work day so not awkward / in your way

Oh gosh, we had this last year. After we hired her it emerged our ap's boyfriend/fiance was coming to the UK too. We had a generous visitors policy laid out in the terms, which as far as I was concerned was designed to accommodate boyfriends from abroad who come and then GO HOME and aren't at our house every single weekend. But, this was not made clear by us, and she clearly saw us coming. I think it was one of the main reasons she chose our family. Sorry this is a rant coming on and many will have heard this all before.

I agree with others' thoughts on the safety factor - in the nicest possible way I think you are being OTT.

Regarding your views on what sort of example it sets for your children though- that's up to you. Everyone has different views on this. I guess in the fullness of time it's something I would proably allow my daughters to do by 20 (although DH and I were never allowed to in my parents; house or his!!) But you are entitled to set the standards you expect in this regard.

Yes, it is the APs home and she is part of the family but what irked me the most about our APs attitude in this regard is she seemed to think that what applied in HER FAMILY was what we should do too. And it doesn't work like that. Every family has their own expectations, which she will see when she comes to live as part of a new family - your family.

What we have laid out in our new contract is that the same rules apply to visitors from the UK as from abroad - ours is once per month as a general rule. You can always relax this later.

who knows if he sneaks into our girls' room while we are sleeping?

What a load of hysterical sexist nonsense - hes a man therefore he could be a paedophile and just wont be able to help himself eh

Also, I do say no overnight visitors at our place during the week when the AP is working. So, this would avoid the whole issue of someone lingering around when you aren't there, interfereing with her duties, etc.

Basically APs boyfriend came at the weekends. What Julia says is right though - first it was Saturday night only, quickly crept to Fridays too. So you od have to be clear about what you expect.

Regarding her going to his, I don't think there is anything you can (or shoudl really) do about that as long as she is at work on time. It may actually suit you more for her to do this as it eliminates the other issues that are on your mind.

If the aupair was living at her parents' house, she would have to abide by their rules too as to who they will allow under their roof.

If she wanted to use her space as she wishes, she should rent her own room/flat and choose a live out job.

As for all men being pedophiles, my dh feels stronger about not having male strangers in the house than I do. He refused to consider a male aupair outright. Even if it is unreasonable, a homeowner can be as unreasonable as they like when it comes to their own home. Many employment laws are suspended for live-in staff.

I absolutely agree that what she does In her own time is her business and she is an adult. She is lovely and her boyfriend seems really nice but we only just met him (we had him over for a BBQ) and she is on Day 2 of the job. I imagine we will relax the rules once everyone has settled in but after reading the posts, I think not having him stay at ours on weekdays does seem like a good idea. Four adults showering in the morning before work may be a nightmare! I have no issue with her staying at his any night, provided she is ready to start at ours in the morning.

I think saying no is absolutely fine. Trust is something that needs to be earned and not wanting strangers to stay over until you know your au pair a little better is fine.

For what it's worth, I met my partner when I was a live in nanny ( seperate apartment but accessed through the family kitchen ) and I asked if my bf could visit. My boss said "I don't mind him coming for dinner but I don't want it progressing to the bedroom". I was fine with that after all, the kitchen table was just fine! Joking! I respected her wishes even though I was 32 and had been their nanny for 3 years.

Ebb - really? You were fine with having your own apartment and yet still being told who you could/couldn't have there - at 32? For 3+ years?? Better you than me.

Chipping I didn't mind too much as I was happily single for most of that time and DP had his own house so I often stayed there. I did quite a bit of proxy parenting though and I think mum boss was concerned the DC might walk in on us! I would like to think she trusted me a little more than that though! I did move out and in with DP eventually and had my own DC. The nanny who took my job had a flat on the farm and mum boss was fine with her bf moving in! She just didn't like it 'under her roof' so to speak.