nanny teething issues...

[stella1w]

have had our nanny for a couple of weeks and she is very good in many ways..but I could do with advice on how to handle a couple of things.

Firstly, she wants to take the kids to the same places - about a 20 min drive away - she used to in her old job, mainly I think because she has made friends there. But I specifically wanted a nanny so my kids could take part in local activities and make friends here that I could maybe meet up with at the weekend. I also want my dc1 to meet with her local friends over the summer ahead of them starting school. There are plenty of libraries, pools, parks etc ten mins away from us by foot!

I agreed with her at interview that she could keep going to one toddler group a way away because that was important to her but now she clearly wants to spend most of the time driving to her old places and also going to the park near her home where she meets with her family.

So while I want her to be happy, I also want my children's lives and activities to take place round and about our local area, not her local area.

I agreed with her that I would pay mileage if I asked her to take the kids somewhere by car, but that if she was taking them somewhere by car because she particularly wanted to go somewhere, then she would be responsible for the cost. What is now happening is she is suggesting she take them somewhere that needs a car trip, and I agree because she wants to go there, and then I get stuck with the mileage when frankly I would have been happier if the kids had stayed local.

So what should I do?

Also, she is not very on top of the housekeeping side of her role, by which I mean she hasn't changed the kids sheets or cleaned their room in more than two weeks, she doesn't put their clothes away, she doesn't tidy the toys at the end of the day (with dc1's help), she doesn't empty the nappy bin. All of this was explained to her at the start and now I am wondering if I should let it go for a few more weeks, or remind her now, or whether I should spell it out in the contract I am drafting for her, either as a list of duties, or a suggested routine.

Appreciate any input

Hi there,
As a nanny myself I always think it's best to get down everything in the contract no matter how small it is, that way it doesn't cause problems later. If you want her to change the bedding every week write it down and also be specific about her nursery duties and how you would like to find the house each evening. The nanny my bosses had before me refused to empty or load the dishwasher and wasn't very good at keeping the childrens play areas tidy.
When I started my new job I was keen to keep in touch with my old nanny friends and intergrate my new charges with my friends charges. I explained this to my boss as it can be hard to make new friends and start from scratch each time you change areas. However maybe you could come to a compromise and split the week so she is able to see old friends but stress the importance of your children making friends with local children too. Again as a nanny I can't see any problem with this you are being more than fair and you both get your way.

1. I think you need to come to a compromise RE traveling 20 minutes to do old activities. Being a nanny in a new area is hard - I know I did it last summer when my boss moved - and it takes a long time to build up a good base of friends and contacts for activities/playdates etc. 1 year down the track I have some amazing friends and contacts and a day doesn't go by without me seeing someone having a plan of some sort however last summer I could go days without really speaking to anyone and that was with me going out/doing all the groups and activities I could!

2. Any friends your child may make may not then add to your own social circle. My boss does not see any of my charges friends outside of my work hours (she has occassionally come home in the middle of a playdate - so has met friends) and I doubt any of my nanny circles bosses would either - it would be nice but it just wouldn't happen. Mothers I know also don't have time at weekends to be making new friends and tbh dont have time to see me when I am p/parenting due to family time etc.

Personally I'd put my foot down on the travel. You're the boss here and once a week is a fair compromise unless she can justify why her preferred things are better. But even so you are free to say no.

On the housekeeping I'd remind her now. If it doesn't improve I'd then go to lists. Don't let it fester as it will only annoy you.

Tidying/housekeeping: I would have a weekly review and ticklist of things she is expected to do (which are presumably also in her contract). Afterall, you didn't hire a nanny so you could to the cleaning chores and she could spend time with your kids having fun.

Travel: I would skip right over any unpleasant (potential) foot stomping by arranging local activities, such as:

• arrange local playdates with key friends. Just talk to other mum/nanny, tell your nanny you have done so, and swap the phone numbers.
• Arrange local set activity(ies) (e.g. weekly swim lesson)
• Leave one day in the week which you never touch and let nenny make the choices for that day (perhaps the day of the group you agreed to her attending).

I think it depends how good you are at confrontation.

If you're good at talking directly to people, just say to your nanny exactly what you've said here. It all sounds very reasonable.

If you don't want to adress it directly then do what Strix suggests and just ask her to do specific things. Ask her to take the kids to join the library or change their books. Ask her to take them swimming at the local pool. Ask her to take them to the local park. Find out about a local event and sign them up/buy tickets and tell the nanny that's what you want her to do. Say in the morning 'oh can you do the beds today, please'. Hopefully once she is in the routine/habit of doing these things she'll carry on without you having to tell her specifically.

You are paying her wages, so unless unreasonable/illegal what you say goes with regard to your children. Can you leave a list each Monday with what you want done and when on ? (I find it much easier with written instructions than verbal). I would sort it out sooner rather then later as it wont be such an ingrained habit. Can you have a "staff" meeting praising her for what she is brilliant at and asking what she feels she could inprove on and go from there? (I was a nanny for 10 years with the same family).

It sounds as though with regards to duties within the home that you have not made your expectations known - if still in process of writing the contract, whether she has experience or not unless you say specifically what you want doing when then she won't necessarily think to do differently. One family I worked for had beds changed twice a week, one once every two weeks, another it was the cleaners job and I simply had to tidy, make it clear what you want and then give her a chance to follow the instructions and use her initiative.

The driving away sounds as though it could be affecting how much time she has at home to do things too. This is something I would bring up in direct conversation, especially if it was discussed at interview, I think you need a clear arrangement that mon, weds, fri they stay local and then weds, thurs they travel. It is tough making connections in new areas but if that's not something they are prepared to do then they should have considered that before accepting the position.

Also please get the contract sorted ASAP the sooner it's discussed and signed the easier it will be to sort out teething issues!

I agree about leaving a note regarding housekeeping you want done. Just say 'please could you change the beds this week' and a thank you. It's not confrontational and doesn't leave anyone feeling in the wrong. I have had this happen to me and I of course realise that I have neglected something but can put it right without being made to feel small. It's very easy to be made to feel inferior when being asked to do domestic work in someone else's home even when you know it's part of your job. Hopefully she'll then get on top of things without being reminded.

Am I the only one who thinks the OP shouldn't have to remind her nanny to do basic nursery duties? Changing the beds, tidying toys/bedrooms, emptying nappy bins are all normal nursery duties. The nanny seems to be more interested in seeing her old nanny friends. At two weeks in, she's still in her probation period ( assuming ). She should be making you want to keep her not making you wonder how to broach things with her.

As for wanting her to make friends locally, I agree with booking the children into some groups ( music / swimming etc ) and asking her to go to the local toddler groups. I've always worked in different places and it can be daunting making new friends but I've always found it very easy when children are involved.

No is agree ebb - that set off alarm bells with me too.

The social activities issue is more tricky as can take time to settle in. But I would offer to help set up play dates with classmate as that could help her.

Strix allthough I agree that nursery duties are part of a nannies job. The reason most people hire a nanny is so they will care for and have fun with the children so I find your comment, on not hiring a nanny to spend time with your kids having fun! a little strange. However she should find time to do the other stuff as well.

Just an update from the OP. I did on the first day run through the household type duties eg. hoover and dust the kids' bedroom once a fortnight, wipe down the sides and sweep up after meals, do the kids' laundry, empty the nappy bin.
I think it's true to say she does like to have fun with the kids, which is good, but doesn't seem to allow enough time in the day to do the other stuff.
I have taken to writing reminders down with limited success - she has NEVER emptied the nappy bin - I always do it when I come home from work and she only sometimes puts the kids clothes away after washing them.. sigh.
On the other hand she is good with the kids, punctual, flexible, sensible and sometimes does things over and beyond eg, clean out the fridge (unasked and not expected at all)
So... I think I will try to fit in a review soon (not sure when cos the kids are always there) and run through her contract etc. and try to be clear about things.

A good nanny manages her day so that the children have fun but she is also able to get the more mundane things done.

Ex nanny.

I think it depends a bit on the dc...my nanny does no housework at all beyond tidying toys. That is pretty well all I can manage whilst looking after the dc too, I don't see why she would manage more than me!