AP's room privacy

[catepilarr]

just reading a very interesting thread on this american aupair host families' blog about how their go or dont go into their ap's bedroom. the original poster was an aupair whose family decided to paint her bedroom while she was on holiday and therefore had to move her clothes or other this from a cabinet in her bedroom.

the opinions on whether this aupair is 'entitled' to be unhappy about it vary greatly. just wondering what hostfamilies (or nannies etc) in the UK think? how do you treat your ap's nannie's bedroom? how is your bedroom treated if you are a nanny or ap?

i personally woudnt be happy if someone moved my stuff without at least telling me upfront (i wouldnt feel i could say 'no' if i was too far away to move the stuff myself while they wanted to do the painting). don't usually have a problem if a family goes in to put my letters/clean laundry/whatever in, or if they wanted to check for open windows or some kind of emergency.

We never went in our AP's bedroom. Nor did the children. When we had some work done on the windows (when she was going to be on holiday) we warned her and asked if it was OK to access the windows from her room. It was her private space. Clean laundry/bedding was left on a chair outside her room. We trusted her to keep it clean and tidy, and she did.

Our AP has only been with us for 10 days but we don't go into her room just as she wouldn't wander into our bedroom. Everywhere else, fair enough but those are our private spaces.

Actually I have taken washing in there but she was in there with the door open so I asked if I could bring her clean clothes in. Other times when she hasn't been in her room I've left it folded outside the door.

I do go in but only if she is there and I want to ask a question or tell her something and also never without knocking and hovering at the door. The DCs are a different matter, I have had to fish them out when I think the AP must have had enough. But all our APs seem to like having the DCs in. I do make it a point to remind them it's her private space and tell the AP to turf them out whenever!

I'm a nanny. Used to live in for years and never had this. I always had a key to my room too so I could lock it when I was out, or even if I was in and didn't want any little unexpected visitors in my room.

Now whether the family had a spare key and checked it when I was out, I have no idea, but, considering that that single room is where you keep everything I think it's only fair there should be privacy.

Children mostly (and parents) always knocked and waited to be asked to enter or for me to open the door.

The room however should be available to view whenever the family feels the need, to make sure things are kept in order.

I'm a nanny and have it written into my contract that my area is my private space and that they need my consent to enter it. Whether or not I'm there.

It's worded much better than that though!

I never went into the aupair's room.

I left letters on the downstairs computer table. If I wanted to check windows, I could look outside. I never concerned myself with their laundry - they did it when they weren't working.

Never go into their room. As far as I'm concerned their room is as private as any lodger in my house would be. I trust her to keep it cleaned and tidy (our cleaner doesn't clean her room).

I agree in princple that we should stay out. Never ever went in the room with the first 2 aupairs but when i knocked to talk to them would see that the first one kept it immaculate and the second to an acceptable standard.

However, our current aupair does not look after the room, and it breaks my heart. Although Ii get what people are saying about privacy- it is my name on the mortgage and the room was fully kitted out with brand new nice stuff 3 years ago. I had to work hard to buy a house/put nice things in that room. Aupair.

So, I will admit to checking sometimes as whats the point in me keeping my house clean when shes hoarding bags of rubbish and dirty crockery. Usually only serves to annoy me in actual fact-because when I do confront her over the state of the room it turns into a drama I'd rather avoid.

I do not got into the au pair's room without asking. Sometimes I would knock and wait to speak to her - always hovering by the doorway. I would leave her post on a chair by her door. The only time I have ever entered without permission is when she was out, I was going out and she had left her window open (ground floor room and her laptop in front of the window).
I see her room as her space. Generally I say that if her door is closed I will only knock if it is v important, but if it is open I will knock and ask if she wants a cup of tea etc. Children are not allowed into her room unless she invites them specifically.

I would personally have told the AP we needed to do this, but things do come up. If it was essential work that couldn't wait (say a decorator became available and otherwise the work would have had to wait weeks, months or there was a leak and repairs had to be done, etc) I would not expect the AP to have a strop about it if I explained: Sorry we didn't have the opportunity to tell you beforehand, but this came up and we had to get on with it.

To be frank, I can't see how a family wouldn't have time to send a quick email (whether the ap saw it or not) to explain this was happening but this is not the same sort of situation as going in your APs room randomly which I wouldnt' do. I jmight go up and speak to the AP from time to time during the year but we do't otherwise go in there unless we warn her, ie.. we need somtething from the attic, when's a good time, etc.

Families that have APs sometimes don't have long periods of time in between and in reality there is never a good time to get on with household repairs/decorating. In fact it stinks generally when you have to do work on your home and it is also a person's workplace. it's one of the reasons we've delayed doing our kitchen!

I've just actually read the girl's post and I don't think the family was doing anything unreasonable, I think she sounds a bit paranoid (if there is nothing else to it and all of her stuff was put back undamaged.)

I have a clause in my contract allowing me to enter to retrieve family items if we believe they have been left in there (eg our own laptop), or to enter if I have reasonable suspicion of smoking or drug-taking. Other than that, I wouldn't dream of entering.

Though sometimes I wish I could, especially when we have AP's who I know haven't washed their bedlinen for weeks....but then I am the cleanliness freak who once fired an AP for picking his nose.

I was a live-in nanny for a few years. The parents and children never came in whilst I was in without me inviting them. However during Christmas holidays etc they would often deep clean my room (ie shampoo carpets, re-seal the shower etc). They never told me they were going to do it, but I always appreciate it as was jobs I wouldn't have done myself!.

I think its important to let the AP know if you plan to go in, but maybe agree that you may when she is away if you need to?