Nursery v Childminder Dilema for 11 month old - Heeeeeelp!!

[PugMummy]

Hiya - My son is now 11 months old and I've returned to work. I have placed him in nursery for 2 days per week and although he seems to be settling in well, when I go to pick him up he cries his little eyes out when he sees me (I hope from relief, not from dread that I'm back again!) My hours of work are going to increase and therfore childcare will have to increase. I've started to look at registered Childminder in a domestic setting as it's probably going to be less stressful for him as well as it's a bit cheaper but I'm worried and not sure if I should be. Obvioulsy I dont' want to chop and change him around so want to make the right decision

Nursery v secure and safe. No mobiles allowed past reception, no unauthorised access
Other staff members around for 2nd opinion or to take over when having break
Other children of same age
Structure to day and healthy home cooked meals provided

With a childminder I don't really know who's coming and going or what's going on. Also, she has her own 18 month old there so surley she would take priority over my son?

Am I being a bit neurotic do you think? I think I would feel more comfortable if he was a little bit older so he could talk if there were any problems

I'm biased as have a CM. yes you don't know who's coming or going but you should trust your CM. I saw loads before settling on a lady who I felt really happy with. She has a DS 3 months older than my DS and they have formed a friendship and play together plus I think it helps ds to be around a child close developmentally to him. I wouldn't use a nursery because I want my son in a home environment but it's a personal choice.

Why don't you go and see a few CMs and gauge how you feel about it?

Hi, I'm a CM.
Firstly, to put your mind at rest, a CM's setting is just as secure as a nursery, possibly more so as there are far fewer little ones to keep your eye on. All regular visitors and people who live at the address have to be CRB checked.
CM's also provide a structure to the day, but with far more variety as we tend to go out into the community more to things like Jojingles, toddler groups, library story times etc. not just being stuck in one room all day.
Food will be home cooked, proper food. I've have lots of experience of nurseries, and their food bears no resemblance to my proper cookeng. What will be described on their menu as stir fry will often be somethng like super noodles!
having her own child of roughly the same age is a lovely thing. A ready made best friend who they will hopefully grow up with ( and in my case go to the same school eventually).
As for not knowing what's going on, a decent CM will give you as much info as you like. I always give arun down of what we've been up to, what we've eaten etc.
re. cameras, I find the paRENTS LOVE THAT i TAKE PICTURES OF US AT THE PARK, FARM ETC. AND EMAIL THEM TO THEM. tHEY SAY IT REALLY BRIGHTENS UP THEIR DAY WHEN THEY'RE AT WORk.
remember, you also don't know the minute by minute activities at a nursery.
One final thought, when being shown around nursery, a "grown up" will be showing you round as the key worker, please bear in mind the actual care of your little one might be left to a 17 year old for the majority of the time.
I fully expect a slating for being so anti nursery, but as I say, I know a lot about many of them and became a CM as I couldn't bear the thought of a child of mine having to be stuck in places like them.

I am a childminder and I keep a record of any visitors who come to the house when minded children are there. I normally write it in their daily diary too. Anyone over 16 living in a childminder's house has to be CRB checked as well as the childminder themselves.
I can't really answer which is best for your son - I am just trying to allay your fears about childminders. You should ask about anything which is worrying you. A good childminder should make you feel comfortable and reassured.
Leaving your child with somebody (whether a nursery of childminder) has got to be mainly about trust and gut instinct. Even though the nursery has strict child protection policies, what is to stop someone hiding a mobile phone on their person to use for abusive purposes...? Not trying to worry you - just pointing out that rules and policies are not the be all and end all when it comes to child protection. If your child is being looked after by someone you like and trust, then that is the best you can do....

I've used both.

An excellent nursery which I would recommend to anyone. An ok nursery which was fine short term.

I now use a childminder and tbh I would recommend this if you can find a good one. Pros are: your child is part of the community, more flexible hours, days, build a strong relationship with one adult, can keep this throughout primary school if you keep cm for before and after school.

I have two at cm and I like that my oldest is at school with her daughter and my youngest will be going with her youngest. The little one sees friends at baby groups as he would if I was there. Activities are varied, lots of trips out and not stuck in one building all day. Cm has assistant so can do school run without little ones if she chooses.
Hth

I would always go for a good chilminder over a nursery for an under 2.

This is personal opinion based on having worked in nurseries.

I used a workplace nursery for my eldest, and it was fine for him. He was extremely confident and extrovert and related well to the adults there (who were mainly "mature" and had been with the setting for some years - and I could be fairly confident all was as it seemed as I could drop off and collect at any time of day without needing to make any prior arrangement . By the time my youngest came along that nursery wasn't an option, and I couldn't find another I felt was good enough, particularly as littlest was a completely different personality, much more anxious and shy. As others have said, the local nurseries seemed to be largely staffed by seventeen year olds who didn't even know the names of the children they were caring for and were only filling in until they went to uni or off on their world travels. I also used to see them all sitting outside the back door of our local nursery smoking and I'm afraid that's a no for me.... Of course I appreciate there are good nurseries (and bad childminders), but on the whole my choice for an under three would be a good childminder.

As an ex C.M.,nanny, E.Y's. teacher oh and M of 3 plus GM of 2!! I 2nd minderjinx and HolyCamera Even with the best will in the world a good nursery couldn't stop their staff from leaving and that might be the one who your L.O. depended on; and if he's shy and insecure it could upset him a lot.

A good C.M. could be under contract to be there for 3 yrs at least. they are experienced and having had their own DCs know the ropes (17 yr olds even with training have no idea of the full 'oness' of L.O.'s)

As the others said proper home cooked meals are miles better than turkey twizzlers or whatever and a home from home atmosphere is vastly preferable to a sterile purpose built place. How ever fakely 'cosy' they make it.

I'm a childminder and also have some experience of working in a preschool/nursery environment. Like so many others on here, I'd say go with a childminder if you can find a good one that you trust.

I think very little children are better off having the same few familiar people around them most of the time. A childminder is likely get to know your 11 month old DS much better than staff at a nursery, and he will probably get much more individual attention, smiles and cuddles than he would at a nursery.

Slightly older children can enjoy the 'busyness' of a nursery, but I think it can be overwhelming for very little ones. At a childmnders, seeing the same very small group of children every day can allow children to form real friendships in a safe environment (as opposed to just 'playing alongside' other children in a large nursery group). It can also be good to have a range of preschool ages instead of a roomful of children who are all the same age - very young children enjoy copying the older ones and can learn lots from them, while slightly older children benefit from being gentle and considerate with the younger ones.

Childminders are heavily regulated - we all keep visitors books and daily diaries which record what the children have eaten and done that day. The most important thing is that you really do trust the childminder and have good communication between you.

I'm a cm now, but when I went back to work when dd1 was one, I put her in a nursery for 3 mornings a week as I couldn't find a cm near me that I liked (or at least, the ones I did like didn't have any spaces!) She, like your son, wailed at drop off and pick up every single day. In my case I kept her there for 6 months (then we took her out when dd2 was born), but I wish in retrospect that I hadn't. I don't think the institutional nature of the place suited her at all, and while the staff were lovely, she didn't always have the same person looking after her every day which definitely didn't work for her.

But I do think it depends on whether you can find a cm you like and feel that you can trust! If you meet the right person I'm sure all of your concerns about them not being supervised and you not knowing exactly what's going on every second will be put to rest. I work as a part time cm myself now, and can easily text photos to anxious parents any time of day if they need reassurance.

Of course you could see if you can sort out a nanny share - there are websites where you can find out if there are other families near you looking to share. We had a shared nanny for a bit and it wasn't as expensive as I'd expected and worked out really well.

Ive always used nurseries, apart from a truly awful 6 months where DD went to a CM. I found out I prefer a less full on relationship which is more "corporate" in communication. Much easier to raise issues and complain when nessary.

CM was nice, good references, well regarded locally (and the same price as nursery) but over time the relationship between CM and DD broke down and DD became really scared of her. If at any point before the final nightmare we ended up in, CM had said they were not getting along, Id have happily worked with her to find a solution. But thats not what happened as she didn't want to loose the income.

Also I didn't like DD spending ages in the car doing school and after school activity runs. Worth talking through thoes issues with potential CM

And the nurseries I use have great food, which they happly feed parents who ask.

I am a childminder like many other posters but I don't think moving him now is necessarily the answer.

He's settling in to a new place with new people and no matter how good a nursery or childminder is he would probably still be upset on your return. Children generally only feel able to fully express their feelings around those they are really close to so he is saving up his upset for when you appear.

He is clearly missing you but that doesn't mean the staff are doing anything wrong unless he has been there for months rather than days.

Do you trust the nursery staff to be giving him as much consistency in his carers as possible, making sure their staff are well qualified and experienced and to be offering lots of cuddles and gentle interaction? If so moving him would just unsettle him further.

If you have any concerns about his care raise them with the staff and allow them to respond because what they tell you may make sense.

I don't honestly think the things you highlight in your OP as positive aspects of nurseries are particularly important or relevant. There is good and bad practice everywhere and nurseries can cover it up just like childminders. It is more important that your child is cared for in an affectionate and supportive environment in which his individual needs are considered paramount and there are lots of activities for him to choose to learn from.

You need to think long and hard about why you are feeling so unhappy about this arrangement. Is it because you feel uncomfortable about the nursery or is it because you feel uncomfortable about leaving him? If it is the latter then please don't move him now. He is better off being allowed to build on the settling in he's already done and developing relationships with the staff which will in time help him to feel safe and secure in their care.

One last comment. Childminded children have never played second fiddle to my own children. Quite the opposite in fact so try not to make this type of assumption. The majority of childminders are highly motivated, conscientious professionals who care deeply for all the children in their settings.

IIWY I'd go by my child;if he runs or wants to be in the nursery and has friends etc. then despite the tears at pick up; he 's happy so you could leave him but if he screams when he approaches the place I'd remove him.

With the C.M.s I would stay at their houses for a good time with yr L.O. and watch their interactions with all the L.O.s in her care; you need to be aware of her attitudes to safety and food etc. but most importantly how she actually looks after the L.Os.

e.g. does she ignore them while chatting to you?

Is she fair in all her dealings with them?

Is the T.V. on all the time?

Is she loving but not suffocating with them?

Thank you all for all your comments, I'm just so grateful for all your wise words. One the basis of all your advice I actually went to see a CM today and I really think the home enviroment could be the way forward for him but I do want to see a couple more before I make any decision as I want it to be long term. I thnk what sealed it for me is that when I went to pick him today there was a girl that I'd never seen before looking after him as his usual carer was in a training course. He was very poorly when first born and in hospital for a long time so I really want him to have as much consitency as I can give him now

There is some evidence suggesting that more personal care is the best for under twos' emotional development, whether parent, nanny, grandparent or CM, and it seems to make sense to me. I'd go for an individual you trust, if you can find one, rather than the shifting staff of a nursery.

I would agree with much of the above. When I went back to work after DD was 1 she went to nursery. She hated it and so did I - she never formed a strong bond with anyone because all the staff worked shifts so of the three days she was there it was always someone different looking after her. Although rated Good by Ofsted they clearly didn't keep up with their paperwork as one day she came home with a huge bite on her arm - we weren't told about it (query whether they'd even noticed!) and I now know we should have been asked to sign the accident book or at least seen a written report. DS was born five months later so she wasn't there for long, and when it came to childcare for him I requalified as a CM so I could look after both. I agree in particular with:

1. It's great to have a range of ages - it's a much more 'family' type setup where there is far less competition for them to do the same things. I have a 3yo and a 20mo of my own and a 10mo starting next month. They won't be competing for the same toys the way they would if they were all 2.
2. CMs are regulated in exactly the same way as nurseries and I would say are more secure. At a nursery not everyone knows every parent - I know precisely who is on my premises at any time and nobody can get anywhere near the children without going through me!
3. The food is almost certainly better, partly because it's not institutional. The children also see much more of the process - rather than food being prepared in a separate room, with a CM they may have gone shopping for the food, made choices in the supermarket, helped make the lunch and chosen where to eat it (eg in the dining room or outside at the table, in my case).
4. You can be absolutely 100% certain that the person you are meeting will be the one cuddling your child, getting to know him, talking to you about his progress and creating a bond with him. Dilys is right - small children can only form a real bond with about 5-6 adults (as I learned in training) so the fewer the better.

Meet a couple more CMs and see how you feel.

Another vote for CM from a satisfied client here. I've used 2 different CMs for my 2 children and was very happy with both. I love that my DS goes out and about to groups and to the park just as I would take him if at home. I 100% trust my CM and we communicate every day about any issues. DS cried for the 1st 2 days on drop off but since then has never looked back. My CM is really flexible around the childrens interests and routines rather than him just having to fit into the nursery structure.
I really don't get people feeling that nursery is somehow safer. I know and trust the one person who is keeping DS safe and that's good enough for me. At a nursery I am putting my faith in an institution and its policies and procedures which might not get followed by every individual. More people make it less rather than more safe.

I have used a CM and am about to become a CM so no great surprised I'd vote CM but do understand your concerns. I ended up using a CM for my son (then 11mths) when I went back to work as he lost his nursery place at the last minute - so I hadn't wanted to use a CM but there were no nursery places so I had no other choice. I had thought a nursery would be better organised, more safe & secure etc but mainly I didn't like the idea of him forming such a strong bond with another woman. I soon realised that however much he adored his CM, I was always mummy and will always be his primary carer. As it happens the CM set-up was perfect for him -her son was similar age so he had a little playmate (still buddies 6 years on ) he still got to do all the same stuff he'd do with me (shopping, playgroups, park, coffee out etc) and he loved walking up to the school to meet the 2 older children she cared for.

Oh, and as a soon-to-be CM with a toddler of my own, I suspect you'll find your own child get more attention than hers not less! Her child will be much more settled into her routine, will know the surroundings plus I know whenever my kids have friends over or I'm asked to watch a child in the park for 5 minutes, I'm far more vigilant about other children than my own!!!
LCN

Oh yes, the routine thing was another minus on the nursery side. We found that despite their marketing blurb about 'following the individual child's routine' they more or less refused point-blank to put DD down for her morning nap and she was only sleeping for about 40 minutes at lunchtime. At home she'd have an hour in the morning and two hours after lunch. You can imagine the state she was in when she got home.

Yes Zuleika IMO and E there is nothing apart from a good STAHM to beat a good C.M.

The jealousy of the mum is interesting though; I found with a couple of my mums that their feelings entered into it which IMO is immature; it's your child's feelings that are paramount and as lechatnoir said as long as you continue giving quality time and care when you ARE with the L.O. then they will always love you best.