Au pair taking over my child

[Northgirl]

An issue has arisen with our au pair that is causing me stress and I feel at a loss for what to do!

I have an au pair to help out with my two children a girl aged 4 and a boy aged 2, I'm currently pregnant. My husband works long hours and is not interested in domestic life so I needed an 'extra pair of hands' - our Au pair arrived three months ago, is not expected to have sole charge of the children, gets paid more than the going rate, is offered time off each day and does not work weekends.

The problem - My au pair favours my son over my daughter, in fact she is trying to take over completely the care of my son from me. To the point that she will jump out of her own bed in the middle of the night if he cries, even though I am running out of bed to look after him myself. If I am having cuddles with my son, she goes to get a game and waves it in front of his face so that he gets off my knee. Meanwhile my daughter is left to her own pretty much ignored - except to get occasionally told off.

I feel luckly that she at least likes children, is pleasant, helpful and over generous with her time (refuses to take any time off during the week) - but I feel that there is something underhand going on, a competition for my son's attentions. It is really stressful. If I want time alone with my son I basically have to go out alone with him. I even feel like my bond with my son is being affected.

I don't just want to tell her to leave because I need the help and I feel I should be able to successfully manage this issue between the two of us. I don't want to create bad feeling and disappointment all round that things haven't worked out. Her english is pretty terrible and so far my attempts to tackle the situation with a softly softly approach have not effected any change.

Anyone got any suggestions????

I think that you need to be blunt - but also see if you can find someone to translate for you!

1. If I have ds on my lap, please will you play with DD so that she's not left out.

1. Night times are MY responsibility - I do not want to trip over you when I'm pregnant in my nightclothes on the way to him if DS wakes - please leave that to me, otherwise I feel bad that you are doing things that are not in your remit.

1. Please make sure that you pay as much attention to both children - I know that DS is very cute at the moment, but DD can also be lovely if you just get to know her a bit better.

Something like that?

OH - and I would find the 'refusing' to take any time off would also annoy me - You might want to say that you need to spend 3 hrs every x just with your two children on your own or something like that?

I'd try to take a positive approach - give her a few instructions about activities with your DD - for instance take her to the park for an hour every afternoon. She may just feel (as her English is bad) that she can't communicate as well with your daughter and their relationship is harder for her because of that. It may also be that your daughter doesn't understand that English isn't your AP's first language and thinks she's stupid/ may not want to interact with her. I'd give them some time alone together and then reassess.

Oh yes, I'd also be firm with her about not getting up in the night. She might believe she's helping out!

You need to be assertive. Tell her no. Tell her what you want from her.

Can you explicitly schedule in time every day to do a specific activity with your DD? Preferably something that is beyond your DS's capabilities/interests, so he can't be expected to join in. To build up a good relationship, perhaps they need some 'enforced' time together.

Our last au pair found our DS (3) much easier than DD (7) because she didn't have to put much effort in - it was easier to entertain him in a passive way that just wasn't enough for DD. She was chronically homesick and couldn't summon up enthusiasm for active playing. DD needs more 'oomph', and our au pair didn't have that in her; she found comfort though in our more cuddly, touchy-feely DS.

Is this your first au pair? Having had a few au pairs, I would say that the most important thing you can do for a successful match is to have a very clear schedule of what is expected of your au pair - literally, be in charge. If you ask them to 'help entertain the children', they will do the easiest thing for them. It worked much better, and helped both her and us as parents, if we asked them to do specific things at specific times. I don't mean that you should micromanage her, but how about:

Monday
Take DD to the park - walk the long way home and get an ice cream from the shop. Back for lunch. You will have 1-to-1 time with DS.
Help at lunchtime with the washing up whilst you put DS down for a nap.
Time off while DS is asleep and you do something 1-to-1 with DD.
Supervise painting at the kitchen table for DD and DS whilst you prepare dinner.

And so on... You'll have to tweak it for your own needs, obviously, but having that - written down and given to her at dinner the evening before, or on Sunday for the week ahead, will make it clear that she is expected to fit in with your needs, not walk roughshod over you. An au pair is supposed to make life less stressful!

As for the night-time, I would simply say to her that she is not to go into DS at all between bedtime and breakfast in the morning, unless she is actively on babysitting duty. Lie if it makes you feel better, and tell her that you're following a particular settling technique. But she is not to go in.

How long is she due to stay for? Is the end nearly in sight?

Lots of people have postedf since I strted that epistle, but I would just like to add that I learned this past year that it is OK to end a placement. It isn't a nice conversation, but you have to be comfortable in your own home. I kept going for too long - because it might improve, she deserved a(nother) chance, I didn't want to chop and change, for the childrens' sake - but in the end, it wasn't until she left, and the atmosphere at home was suddenly so much lighter, that I realised how much of a problem it had been, and I vowed that if the same happened again, I would be decisive much more quickly.

Thanks everyone for your great advice and suggestions. It is my first experience of having an au pair and although I provided a detailed plan of what I would like duty wise, including free time between 10am and 3:00pm, I haven't been good at enforcing that. At first I was concerned that she should bond with the children and enjoy living with us but it has turned into a point blank refusal to take any free time during the week and the problem spending all her time with my son and none with my daughter. Even though I have tried to get her out more including gym membership.
I think I'll restart and write a weekly schedule with some enforced activities for my daughter. In additional I'll be more assertive about what I want to do myself with the children. I just find it uncomfortable basically saying 'I don't want you around all day every day' and 'mop my floor while I sit with my child!' Clearly I need to get over that to some extent! Maybe I need to write more with the translator as well as her English is not good.
Thank you everyone

Send her to English lessons, apart from anything else - after all, isn't that part of the point??

Where is she from? In many other countries pregnant women are treated like very fragile porcelain dolls who should rest, not lift anything bigger than their handbag, sleep lots, etc. She may feel that she needs to do more for you because of your state, particularly with the toddler because he presumably wants to be carried more than your DD.
I'd suggest assuming she is trying to help and perhaps explain that although you feel tired/ need more rest than usual, you would like to continue to spend time with the children, especially DS who is about to stop being the baby...
But do be kind: not having any children herself she will prob not understand your POV and would be mortified to read what you said above.
Also, FWIIW, if I had been in her position, I would have done the same thing to enable you to rest...

Btw, often what to native English speaker sounds like a clear nudge, sounds like a genuine question to foreigners (often even to those with v good command of English). Eg "wouldn't you rather go to the gym than spend your free time at home?", which to an English girl means "make sure you are out of here when not on duty" can sound to a polite foreigner as a question that can and should politely be answered with "oh no, I would much rather spend time with you and the children"...

I agree 100% with SuiGeneris. I am from an Asian country, and though I speak excellent English, it does not change the fact that I was not raised in the West and will never really get the nuances of western culture (even thought I am aware of it, I may not be able to appropriately react to it).

If some one asks me "Wouldn't you rather go to the gym than spend your free time at home?", then I would never get it as "Leave me alone, will ya?", I will only hear it as "Oh you are so sweet to do this, do assure me that I am not keeping you away from anything."

Looks like a cultural misunderstanding here. I am sure you can work it out.

If you want her to leave you alone, the best way is to be gentle and direct. Just tell her, "I really appreciate you doing all these things, I am lucky to have a nice person like you. That said, I do need mother's time alone with my kids. They need alone time with their mom, too, so i will be happy for you to do your own thing when I am spending time with my children."

You have to use the same, direct words. Otherwise somebody like me will not never get it (assuming your au pair is not from the West!)

In any case, it's time she started learning. If she had opted to be au pair, then this is part of the learning process, getting family dynamics right and knowing what the boundaries. This will help her ultimately, in other aspects of her life too.