Au Pair driving me mad!! WWYD??

[elastamum]

New au apair (male) has been with me 2 months. To be fair he mostly does the housework asked of him, speaks reasonable english, but does not seem to want to interact with the children at all.

The children (younger teens) like him, but he doesnt really register with them. Have asked him to talk to them and sort out things to do with them in the hols as they are now off school, but he seems reluctant to engage. I have discussed the need for him to do stuff with them when they are off, not just let everyone lounge in bed all day, but he doesnt seem to get it. In his last job he said he didnt do much with the kids as they didnt want to.

I work from home a fair bit, and he seems to see this as an opportunity to have a day off. This morning he has walked the dogs, then dissapeared off to his room, no housework done, children still in bed at noon. I have gone up mid morning and given them breakfast and got them up. I am trying to work, but seem to end up looking after everyone as well, whilst he puts his feet up.

When he appeared in the kitchen at mid day I totally lost my rag. Told him that if he didnt start to do more he would have to go home. Cant decide whether to give him another chance or send him packing. He is a nice lad, WWYD?

No question, I would send him home for sure.

You need someone to help with the kids.

You don't need another kid. That's basically what you have there.

Thanks! I couldnt decide if i am expecting too much. He is our 3rd au pair (in 4 years) and IMO they all seem a pretty lazy lot, but the others have made more effort with the boys He is 25, so hardly a kid.

He is acting like one though.

I think it's good that you lost your rag with him - he needed a wake up call. I'd give him the one last chance which you've promised him but maybe give him more structure and clear written guidelines of what he needs to do in order not to be sent home.

Try writing down a schedule for him? I had this problem with male au pair once - but I gave him a schedule for each day he worked detailing everything I expected - housework, kids, cooking etc. Worked a treat.

A couple of disconnected thoughts:

It can be difficult to make boundaries clear when you are working from home.

Are you paying him more during the holidays?

Children of that age can be very difficult to engage in constructive activities. What would you be doing with them in the holidays?

How was it during half term?

I'd sit down with him at the

Thanks! He has a written job description and I write a plan each week.

He gets £100pw, use of a car, own room and bathroom with sky TV. The salary was agrred on the basis that he would do both holidays and school days.

The DC are with their dad a fair bit in the hols so it is not as if he is overworked! Half term they where away, so not really a problem. The DC do a lot of activity clubs, so not around all the time. Its just when they are around he pretty much ignores them and makes not effort to even ask them to get out of bed!

Those are generous terms for an AP. Did you give him a deadline? I'd tell him - 'you stick to your written job description and the plan I give you, if you're not doing it every day by end of next week, I'll be sending you home'. You having to stop work to give the kids breakfast and get them up is not right at all, considering it doesn't sound like he has a lot of other responsibilities.

I feel if I dont tell him to do something, then he just doesnt think to do it. He wasnt answering the phone, until I left it ringing for 20 minutes as I drove home then came in and pointed it out to him.

He picked up one of the DC from school last week (they rang the house) as he was ill and didnt think to phone me and let me know. they fist I know was when I called home at the end of the day and a poorly DS2 answered. So i have added it to his list of instructions.........

Thanks for the advice. I am going to sit down with him at the end of the day and go through everything and give him a deadline. He says he likes it here and wants to stay, but I cant have him staying unless he pulls his weight

The salary was agrred on the basis that he would do both holidays and school days.

We did this with our last AP too, having always in the past paid a normal £75-ish for 25 hours and £250-ish full time. Flat rate works out much better for NI as it keeps them out of the system, but I don't think we will do it again - they are too comfortable in term time with the extra money but don't have any motivation to 'step up a gear' in the holidays.

'Comfortable' is definatley the word. I think he has got comfortable with his lot and is now pushing the boundries to see how little he really has to do

I think you're being a bit harsh.

What's wrong with letting your (teenage) children sleep in in the holidays? If they're happy to do that, why force your au pair to wake them up to do activities they're probably not fussed about doing anyway?

Of course, housework etc. needs doing - but do your kids do housework? Your au pair should be doing the same as the rest of the family, not more.

I'm with those who think he's taking the piss. You've got a 25 year old bloke living under your roof, not just rent-and-food free but you're paying him to be there. I'd expect a sight more input from him. If he doesn't do your plan, he goes home.

Can i ask a question that il probably get slated for. Your kids are teenagers so why do u need a au pair. Cant they look after themselves and do the housework?

JaneFonda I think the idea of having an au pair is that they do the cleaning - not always the case but often so when there are school age children.

This fella is twenty bloody five, not 18. Your plan is good OP - in your position I would be onto aupairworld etc to sort out a replacement just in case it turns out he's truly hopeless.

I think I would keep the AP cleaning tyding and doing some cooking and than teach my teenagers to wake up in the morning, feed themselves and keep themselves entertained tbh. Maybe the AP can teach them how to clean a house and give them some cookery lessons. What kind of activities do u need the AP to do with them? Play dough?

The fact that he :-
a) doesn't want to interact with your children and
b) cannot operate without a daily list and reminders and
c) lacks general iniative and common sense

would ring big alarm bells with me.

I've had 2 previous APs who were like this. Despite constant reminders/chats/daily list etc, it would marginally improve for a few days and then they would invariably lapse. I found it exhausting and frustating for me as I felt I had to 'manage' them on a daily basis.

Personally I would cut your losses. There are some fantastic APs out there with a much better rapport with children and have an overall better attitude and 'get-up and-go'.

I do think Mr Anchovy is spot on with his flat rate theory. I think when an AP is paid more on the days they are expected to work more at the time, then it makes it is more obvious to them that they are expected to also do more.

"an au pair should be doing the same as the rest of the family" - are the OP's teenage kids getting paid £100pw ??
I suspect not.
He does not sound good. I would give him a serious warning and if he does this again, send him home.