I really need some advice & help!

[abitofhelppls]

Hi, Have posted for quite a lot of help over the last year or so, I am a CM and in a really tough position.

I only look after one mindee for a very long week (50 hours) and also have a daughter of my own, mindee is 18 months daughter is 2.5. I am also pregnant, so need a lot of help here!

I have had mindee since he was 9 months old, he started off great and everything was fine however there is a huge issue with his eating (only 7 month jars) I helped mum wean him but it back fired and he starved himself to the point of near starvation! so he is still on jars (10 months ones) which is progress however not ideal, he wont eat a solid he cannot disolve and not chew, we are dealing with a health visitor doing a course to try get him eating properly. Thats another thread anyway.

The problem i am now having is, his behaviour is awful. The tantrums are shrilling to the point of pure screaming and hitting out at me, my daughter and also my walls etc he has an older sister who i believe he is copying in the behaviour from what his mum says she is also very poorly behaved.

He constantly throws tantrums, if i say no or take something off him he pinches his face, screams and throws himself around. He had a tantrum arching his back the other day and kicked me full pelt in the stomach. Every day is a constant battle, it doesnt matter how much attention i give him he will do the same thing. I am trying to teach him and my daughter to share, however when he doesnt share and i remove the item from the situation he completely melts down.

he is also to the point of so loud noone can hear themselves think, he is much worse when there are a group of people around him. I think he is constantly fighting to be the loudest and for all of the attention in the room. I am tending to avoid most groups as i am worried about taking him there as he really plays up the whole time.

If i was not pregnant then i would give the mum notice as i am sheding to many tears over this one child, and am really fed up with every day turning out to be awful and a battle. unfortunatley this is not an option as i cannot afford to lose the income and need to ensure i am in constant work so i get my maternity allowance, this may seem selfish but there is no other way around it.

So, I need to stick this out and find ways to sort it and deal with it effectivley. I won't go on maternity leave until december at the earliest so theres 5 months to get through...

Can anyone help???

Poor you! Lots of sympathy....

I can't wave a magic wand, but maybe try thinking about whether there's ever any time during the day when he does behave in an appropriate manner and building on that? Is he better when you go out to the park? Are there certain times of day when he tends to be at his worst? (hunger/tiredness might be a factor). Maybe next time you have him, make a note of each incident & what time it happened and then look carefully to see if there are patterns.

It might be possible to pre-empt his tantrums by avoiding letting him get hold of things you'll have to take away, or offering him something else instead. And maybe try to find different ways of saying 'no' if that's a major trigger for him - it might be used quite harshly at home perhaps. I do a lot of taking things off the 18 mo I look after and saying 'thank you!' in a very pleased voice as if she really intended to give it to me all along. And 'not in your mouth' in a sort of cheerful sing-song voice is another one I use a lot.

Is this any help at all....? Not sure!

That's a long old week when you're pregnant and dealing with difficult behaviour. Has the HV been involved with the behaviour side of things? I would take him to a park every morning to let him run off steam, kick a ball until he is exhausted. It may help a lot for him to burn off steam. He could be just going through a phase with the behaviour, but useful to log everything down if you feel concerned there is an underline problem. As for your health, is it an option to reduce his hours a little as 50 hrs is a lot for anyone let alone being pg. Sorry I can't be of anymore help. Sounds like you are doing your very best. Are you and the parent tackling this together?

Thank you both of you for your replies, both helpful.

To respond,

I am going to try use no less, as i think your right in saying its a trigger point with him, maybe i Will try a different tone and see how that goes.

I wish i could lower the hours but i have him whilst his parents work and the work very long hours.

Another very frustrating factor is that i don't get his mums support really, she says all the right things but never really follows through on it, he Will turn up screaming and shouting and she won't really say anything to him.

I have even tried to be completely laid back and just tackle the big things with him, however this back fired and he got worse and worse.

Hi,
Re the eating, is he feeding himself? Start off with him trying to feed himself yoghurts )something tasty like petit filous, then add a few little lumps. It amy be that he's just too old to be fed now. DC3 is 14 months and eats yoghurt herself well (as did DS1 and DS2).

Tantrums he's only very very little and you just have to completely ignore him. He will always want the toy your daughter is playing with. He will grap it and hit her over the head with it....again both my boys did it. He does not have the level of comprehension needed to share.

Playgroups never worked with my boys when they were taht age, we were always much better with active activities or playing in the park.

I feel quite sorry for him, he's probably missing mummy and daddy. It mustn't be nice having your parents not be with you for such long hours.

Children are not good at sharing at that age at all.
My DS was slow to move onto more solid food - he kept choking - although I think by 18mths he was eating more normally but I had to cut up food very small for him. He would however eat most things ( apart from those he is allergic to )if I served them semi mashed or cut up small.

Re the tantrums, a lot of it is sheer frustration at not being able to effectively communicate with you.
The books all say ignore them when the behaviour is bad and concentrate on the other child and then bring them back into your attention when the tantrum is over.
I had a child who bit my DD when he was frustrated and we used to ( with mums permission) put him in the hallway( door open) telling him off for whatever he had done. He used to throw himself backwards on the floor in a tantrum, but as he got older and could talk it all suddenly stopped.
I also found if I could stop him before it happened - by watching like a hawk I could stop the hitting/biting by distraction.

It was hard though and must be doubly so while pregant.
Good luck

Does the dc have any sn? I ask because problems with feeding is quite common in children with sn, though of course there would be other difficulties. joe is his language and communication development?

how is his language development I meant to type!

I don't want to concentrate on his eating on this thread as that's something that is being dealt with by professionals, however we have tried everything you can possibly think of to get him to eat properly and its just awful.

Literally everything.

Re development, he understands everything i say to him, however he is very stubborn and sometimes he Will just look away and ignore me. he says a few sounds that sound like words, however because he doesn't chew anything he hasn't developed the muscles needed.

Im not sure about sn, i don't really know the signs. in my very very honest opinion i do feel there is a serious lack of discipline and boundaries at home, making life for me hard as he doesn't like my rules.

To the poster who feels sorry for him, me too. we do have a very very good bond and he calls me 'muuma' bless him.

You sound very caring OP. I hope you're able to get him out for fresh air each day or even twice a day. I have 2 young DS' and lots of physical activity is needed to keep them from climbing up the walls and getting themselves wound up. He is still so young and will push boundries. My youngest pushes my buttons every day, when we think we're out of one stage he is heading in to another. I do feel you need to speak with his parents. No good you putting all the work in if you have no support.

Oh bless you! And bless him - if what you say is true re mum not following through, then the lack of continuity must be confusing and awful for him! My 18mo has just started tantrumming and this morning threw an amazing 10/10 for effort tantrum until you puke because she could not get her own shoes on... I ignored her and after 10 minutes of kicking and writhing around, she was almost sick and just wanted a cuddle, all forgotten and no attention from it at all. I cannot confirm that this will be the case every time, but working for now!

I look after 2 18 month olds, and top tips which work for me:

• Memo the parents about what you are doing expressing the need for continuity of care and your desire to help them achieve this
• Distraction!
• Positive reinforcement - praise every teent weeny little good thing
• Don't say no or don't too much... research suggests it gets filtered out. A story once told to me was that a lady was sitting on her couch with her 4 year old son watching Ant and Dec and they said 'Don't go away, we'll be right back' and her son said 'Why do we have to go away?'!!

Instead.... suggest what you want them to do instead of what you don't want them to do So...
Don't throw = Can you please keep the stones on the floor
Don't hit = Be kind, gentle, show examples of gentle
Share please = is having a turn then you can have a turn (egg timer apparently works wonders)

Just suggestions, but works for me.
Saying that I have a crazy, kicky, hitty smashing things up wild 3 year old starting with me in September so I'll let you know then!!

hi hi,
tantrums as far as i know are all about the toddler not feeling in control of his life.
I give my boy CHOICE about the tiniest things. makes him feel he's the boss of his own life.
good luck

and need to ensure i am in constant work so i get my maternity allowance

This is wrong. As long as you have paid Class 2 National Insurance for 26 weeks you are entitled to the full amount of MA.