Please help - I'm an au pair and need advice soon!

[JeNeSaisQuoi]

I don't want to make this too long!

I'm au pairing abroad this summer, but I've booked to come home in a week because I'm not happy.

How can I say to the parents that I'm leaving? I know the truth is the best policy, but it is incredibly difficult to speak to them, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I'm unhappy because I thought the deal was for me to teach English to the oldest children, but the parents leave very early in the morning and leave my door open so I can hear if the baby cries - which shouldn't be my responsibility, and I don't like being alone with all three children in case something happens and it is on my shoulders.

Does anybody have any advice on what I should tell them? I'm really scared.

Thanks in advance. :)

have you spoken to them about it? They may think all is fine
that siad, if you're really miserable,c ome home. If you don't want a confrontation just say you're incredibly homesick and have realised this doesnt suit you

When they said to me about being alone with all three in the morning, I explained that I was worried about that, and wasn't sure of what to do in an emergency etc.

They didn't really see it as a big deal, as it's 'only' until 7:30 when the nanny arrives, but anything can happen in an hour and a half, especially with small children.

That's why I'm finding it difficult to think of what to say, because they genuinely don't think of it as an issue, and it's tough to push the issue if you see what I mean.

I definitely will leave on Saturday, which is why I want to give them a reason that they can't argue with.

I sound quite horrible, but I'm having a really rubbish time with it.

How did you get this job?

If through an agency, you must contact them.

What this family are doing is, i believe, against the Au-Pair policies. You should not be left in charge of three children, especially a baby.

You need to speak to them as soon as possible though.

Good luck.

It was through au pair world, and the family seemed really lovely - I thought I had a good instinct!

The other thing that upsets me is the way that they (particularly the dad) speaks to me. He is sarcastic to me and laughs at me one minute, and the next is perfectly nice to me.

I'm considering making up a family emergency - I know it's terrible to lie, and I know it's not even a good lie, but I don't know what to do.

Just say you are homesick if you don't want the confrontation honey. Poor you. If anything happens you can call the nanny for advice ? And put yourself on a paediatric first aid course if you can for your own peace of mind

I was an au pair in the South West of France many (18!) years ago. It was horrendous. I had to run away from the first family, and the second was only marginally better (although I did stay there for the full four months we agreed on and I had a great time when I wasn't working!)

I spoke to lots of other au pairs, and the main problem seemed to be that the host families genuinely seemed to believe that we were poor savages who had come there purely to make money, whereas we just wanted to experience the language and the culture. The further south you got, the worse this was, apparently.

I know what it feels like. It doesn't matter what you tell them, just make it clear that you have to leave, and then go. They can't keep you there.

Good luck, and consider trying to find another family!

Oh poor you :( Make up the emergency and just go, or tell them you won't be coming back as you walk out of the door, that's really awful of them! When I was on AP World a few years back (they've blacklisted me now!) there were loads of brilliant jobs on there, but it's really difficult to find a good family purely because there are so many families who have different ideas on what you should do.

Are you hoping to AP still? A paediatric course would be a great idea, and maybe see if an agency would represent you next time for your peace of mind?

Do they often wake up before the nanny gets there at 7:30am?

From the sound of it the family haven't really done anything truly awful that would make leaving with very short/no notice a reasonable thing to do. Unless you're worried that they're going to treat you badly if you tell them you're leaving then I would tell them ASAP. They need a bit of notice to find alternative childcare. Tell them the truth; you're unhappy, the job isn't what you thought and you want to come home.

What was agreed in the job description before you arrived?

Is this the only thing they are doing which doesn't quite jar with the job description?

This isn't something that I would do personally w/o having agreed it with the au pair in advance. But a lot of families seem to think it's ok to agree some of the responsibilities when the au pair arrives. This may have worked in the past for them - or they may be very inexperienced with au pairs - and they may not understand how uncomfortable you feel.

It sounds like the personality mix may not be quite right but then again it seems like it's possible it could be a case that you're a bit homesick. Which is normal and not a criticism.

How old is the baby and how much time are we talking about here? Is it every day? When the nanny comes are you then off duty? What happens next?

Personally, I would suggest that you try to speak to them provided this is the only thing going wrong.

I ahve to say I'm surprised at the reaction to this - I thought au pairs were regularly asked to babysit - which I realise this ISN'T and the family aren't being fair - but am surprised that people are shocked at an adult being left in charge of 3 children for an hour and a half.
Just to clarify - I don't think what they're doing is fair, if you'd offered and were getting something in return that would be one thing, but am just surprised.

I don't think it is fair to be left in charge of a baby, even for a short time. You've never been a mother, so I am not surprise you find it daunting. I would tell them you are very home sick and you were expecting the job to be different, so you have decided to leave.

For me it's not her being in charge of the baby in principle that is the issue - I agree with Stealth on that.

Asking an au pair to be on duty before 7.00 (which I am deducing is happening here at least for a short period of time) is a big ask though and something that had to be agreed before she arrived. The parents assumption that she is 'only listening out' is not correct - she is 'on duty' during this time as she is the only adult in the house.

Why do you feel guilty? They are the ones who have changed the conditions of the contract without negotiating with you. Au pairs can be really used by host families. They need to get the nanny to arrive when they leave but probably don't want to pay the extra hours.

Just stand your ground. You don't need to apologise or lie. You didn't agree to this level of responsibility. It is not in your contract, so you are leaving.

I hope you find a fairer placement soon.

But presumably these are part of the APs hours and being paid for, so it's not that unreasonable, surely?

I think that starts before 7 am and any sole care of a baby need to be agreed in advance, but TBH if a family profile states that there is a baby in the house and the family state that babysitting is expected, then I don't think it unreasonable for said family to expect AP to be on her own with the children for an hour or so at a time when they are awake.

I'm not sure who is at fault here, but imagining that the deal is "to teach English" would indicate a bit of a misunderstanding somewhere along the line in terms of expectations. It obviously varies country to country but that would be an unusual arrangement for an au pair. I have certainly always used APs to fill the gaps between parent and nanny/parent and school (though my APs have never had to deal with a child younger than 2), as have all the other families I know.

Anyway, the easiest thing for AP to do is say she's homesick, and say it as quickly as possible.

solde You really, really don't need to have 'been a mother' to be able to look after a baby for an hour and a half!! Particlularly a baby which, as far as I can gather, is asleep!

I'm in Spain - the deal was definitely to teach English, as the nanny usually looks after the children all day until the parents get back from work; the parents told me that now that I'm here, they'd asked the nanny to come in a bit later in the morning.

There was no babysitting mentioned, and I was told that I needed to get up with the oldest two children to make them breakfast.

I'm sure others would be happy with the situation, but the reason I chose this family was because I wouldn't have to look after a baby, as I have no experience and no confidence in that.

I don't know how old you are, JeNe, but I got my first aupair job when I was 18 and I certainly wouldn't have been ready to look after a baby for any period of time. First time I held a baby was when I was 33 and he was my own.

This family have had 3, so they probably don't realise how difficult you are finding this. Be prepared for them to be very surprised.

However, don't feel guilty. They have the nanny, so it is not like you are leaving them stuck.

I think it is perfectly acceptable for an 18 year old to look after a baby, if it is agreed in advance. I think I could have managed this when I was 12. But, as you say, if it was discussed this would not be part of the job, then their behaviour is not on.

Incidentally, my au pair is 19, and gets three kids (including one baby) out out the house for 7:45. She starts work at 6:00. But, this was all agreed before she arrived.

I think it's interesting that so many people think 18 is not old enough to look after a baby for an hour and a half while it sleeps, yet our maternity wards have lots of teenagers. Do you think they should not look after their own children. And I believe ( although I am no expert) that it is quite common in Spain for children to bee looked after by older siblings/cousins who are much younger than 18.

So I don't think it's the age that is the problem, but the oal post which has moved.

Just to be clear - the 'keeping an ear out' for the baby is a daily thing, but the parents do still pop out, or are late back from work occasionally, so that's when I'm alone with all three when they are awake.

I understand what you mean, Strix - I know lots of people my age with their own babies, and you're right in that it is just that the terms have been changed since my arrival, without any discussion of it.

I'm going to tell the parents tonight, I'm feeling very nervous.

The goal post moving is the thing here. Not OK at all.

The general point about 18 year-olds and taking care of babies is quite another. While young people look after their siblings on a daily basis, that's different to getting childcare on the cheap, which is what happens to so many aupairs.