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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

CMs - do you (honestly!) treat your mindees the same as your own children???

23 replies

winedripplease · 27/06/2012 22:10

I have a CM for my dd and after arriving to collect at different times, I have recently started to notice that she seems to be fed slightly differently to the CM's own kids - eg. different (value) deserts, treated differently (told off more quickly) and have different quality products used for her changes eg. (value) wipes. This rings alarm bells for me. Obviously, she needs to make a profit, and perhaps her patience may be slightly shorter with mindees - but she is being paid for this job, so I am a little bit shocked tbh. When interviewed, she said the kids would be treated equallly, this is not the case. Not sure what to do.

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Flisspaps · 27/06/2012 22:17

The children I cared for were usually seen to before DD - so her nappy would be changed last, or she'd get her meal brought to her last, that kind of thing. They'd all get the same food and wipes though - I don't have a difference between work and home stuff. I'd also be quicker to stop her doing something than the others and she'd have to share her toys!

The only difference would be nappies, and that is because I'd ask parents to provide them.

LingDiLong · 27/06/2012 22:17

Yes, I honestly do. We all eat value products here . In fact, if anything, my mindees probably get preferential treatment, I plan my time with them to ensure we're doing lots of fun, educational activities and I never do that with my own kids. I ensure they have a healthy, home cooked meal every single time where my own kids will get fishfingers if I can't be bothered to cook. I watch them more closely as I'm more paranoid about a mindee hurting themself while I am responsible for them. I want them to enjoy their time with me so I often let them get away with things my own children don't get away with i.e. dessert when they haven't eaten their main.

As for discipline, again, I am more inclined to over compensate I think and come down harder on my own kids than my mindees.

I'm not sure how you should address this though, is your CM approachable, can you talk to her about your concerns?

Original poster

winedripplease · 27/06/2012 22:30

Oh I started to wonder if this was just the way it is with CMs- I felt it wasn't.

Unfortunately no I don't find her very approachable about issues - she was in the interview, very professional and gave all the right answers, but she gets very defensive if i raise the smallest of things, and makes me feel as though IABU...

Ok, I need to look elsewhere. It is so hard to unsettle dd though...

OP posts:

rufusnine · 27/06/2012 22:33

All childminders I know expect you to provide the wipes, nappies and food for your child - the only exception is the odd snack/juice etc. . . .

MyBestfriendsWedding · 27/06/2012 22:35

I treat all the children the same. Apart from occasion if my own kids are misbehaving and I treat discipline differently being their mother. My minded children are normally more behaved than my own kids, apart from when their own parents arrive to collect them and rudeness and general playing up takes place. Wipes and nappies are supplied by parents, and any extras they wish for their child to have. If they have a meal, they are fed the same as the rest of us. I suggest if you're concerned then you need to approach your CM.

longjane · 27/06/2012 22:35

re wipes maybe her child bum need the better wipes

and maybe your child likes the value pud or it is her child treat for having all the kids at hers
telling of my quickly maybe just you are there
who knows
if you dont like move on

Original poster

winedripplease · 27/06/2012 22:35

Well in our contract - all meals provided by CM. Nappies by us. Wipes by CM.

OP posts:

lisa1968 · 27/06/2012 22:37

as others have said,the mindees in my care usually get preferential treatment-they do ,after all,pay me for a service that I have promised to provide.DD especially (who's 9) does get sidelined a bit(that really hurts to write it down!) but when all my mindees have gone home i (hopefully) make up for it.

Original poster

winedripplease · 27/06/2012 22:40

Thanks all for the input. I will be 'moving on' I think.

OP posts:

MyBestfriendsWedding · 27/06/2012 22:41

You get your good and bad in any childcare. There are great CM's out there. I would hope all my parents feel comfortable to approach me about anything. Hope you sort your concerns out quickly.

MaryPoppinsBag · 27/06/2012 22:50

Nope I treat them the same. They eat the same food and follow the same rules.
If anything I am more patient in general now I am minding. But mindees get away with things mine wouldn't - but this is when Mum is picking them up and they are acting up.

HSMM · 27/06/2012 23:03

I've always treated mindees better than my own DD (they came first for nappies, sleeps, toys, etc). She seems to have survived though and looks after herself now she's 12.

bigpaws · 28/06/2012 06:10

If it bothers you so much, why don't you provide your own wipes and food?
How do you know they are 'value'?
If your child is happy, clean and well fed at the end of the day, is it really an issue?

minderjinx · 28/06/2012 06:48

I ask parents to provide wipes as I think it's better to use the brand the baby's skin is used to (though I used all sorts for my own and luckily had no skin problems). If value wipes bother you, you could easily offer to put some of your own choice in your child's bag.

As for desserts, I usually have a selection of yoghourts etc in the fridge, some more expensive than others, and if we are having those, will let the children choose their own. Are you sure she isn't choosing her value dessert?

If that is not the case and the CM is singling out your child and denying her things her own children are allowed, I would be concerned about what that says about her attitude generally. I would ask her and see what she says.

A final thought = could she be trying in an unsubtle way to make a point about payments or how tight money is? E.g have you paid late or refused to pay something that she feels is due? It would be a childish response but it is plausible.

greenbananas · 28/06/2012 06:58

I just have one little mindee along with my own DS, as I want a 'family' environment. He is full-time, and they are like brothers - there is a lot of love between them and also the odd squabble. I think my patience is shorter with my own DS as I tend to expect more of him, but I am working on this.

I try very hard to treat them both the same, but in all honesty I know that this isn't possible. They eat the same and are disciplined in exactly same way (allowing for the slight difference in their ages). They share cuddles, with each other and with me. I consciously make sure that they are able to use the same toys and that they get similar amounts of smiles, tickling, games, love and affection. The only difference is that I don't kiss my mindee because I feel that would be unprofessional and encroaching on a mother's privileges. If DS asks me for a kiss, I give my mindee an extra hug and squeeze to make up for it, and I don't think he has noticed the difference as he is still very young.

Ilovedaintynuts · 28/06/2012 07:03

If you have suspicions or things don't feel right then you owe it to your children to either investigate (drop in unexpectedly/ask around) or move on.
Like all professionals there are good, and there are bad.

When I had niggling suspicions about a CM for my DS (many years ago, he's now 15) I dropped in unexpectedly. I found him strapped in his car seat screaming in her bedroom with a full nappy while she was with her own child in the living room. I removed him immediately.

Ive also had a CM that has been so good I've almost felt guilty taking my DS home as I've secretly felt they were better than me and he would be better off with them

Good luck

anewyear · 28/06/2012 08:11

I have in the past asked parents to supply Nappies, wipes, cream, sun screen etc
They have also provided the childs/rens lunch and tea.

My minded children do have it easier than my own IMO
I come down harder on my own kids, although I tell them off out of earshot of the minded kids.
I also 'tell' the minded children off out of earshot of the others, if they are doing wrong, with an explanation as to why Im telling them off.
Parents also get told.

Original poster

winedripplease · 28/06/2012 08:21

Hi thanks all for the replies, that's great to get some different responses.

I have no problems with value deserts wipes etc, it is more the differential treatment - eg. my dd told me that she wasn't 'allowed' the nice desserts (she pointed them out in the supermarket), that the CMs own children were having, which just seemed a bit mean really.

I have never been late with payment etc, always pay promptly.

As for 'send you own', well we agreed the terms in a contract initially, and the price for her service. If I had known that I would have to provide all the extras as well, despite having agreed that they would be provided, I may have thought twice about it, as money is tight for us also.

But yes, there are things that just don't 'seem right' so I think I will have to look at alternatives.

OP posts:

GnocchiNineDoors · 28/06/2012 08:34

Definetly look for someone you feel more comfortable with.

My dmum is a CM and I can see that she actually loves all the mindees she has. They all eat the same (her and my dsis included) and even get to sneak in and steal my ddads biscuits when hes out.

However, though she provides all food and drink at no extra she does ask for parents to supply wipes nappies creams and sun tan lotions. These are kept specifically for that dc.

sheeplikessleep · 28/06/2012 08:50

DS2 CM provides same food for all of them (mindees and her own kids). If I ever turn up at the end of a meal, they all have the same leftovers on their plate and yoghurt pots in front of them. I think you're doing the right thing to question this and find another if there isn't a reason.

I think it's inevitable that she will treat her own children differently in certain ways, they are her own kids. But I can see she loves our DS2 loads, he gets loads of cuddles and attention, has developed loads whilst with her, has a great relationship with mindees own children and the CM is quite firm, fair but consistent from what I can see. In essence, they have a great relationship and DS2 adores her. That to me is the nub of it.

If you're noticing she is telling off your dd for things she isn't telling her own kids off for, then that would ring alarm bells for me too, probably more than the different food / nappies etc. And that is even in your company. I think it's about trusting your overall gut feeling. Do you see affection and respect from your CM to your DD?

sheeplikessleep · 28/06/2012 08:54

Greenbananas - I think it's a bit sad that you don't feel you can kiss your mindee. Is this something the mindee's mum has hinted at or insinuated she isn't comfortable with? I love seeing the obvious relationship between my DS2 and his CM, reassures my mothers inevitable guilt for leaving him and I love the fact he is so happy and comfortable there.

Tanith · 28/06/2012 10:02

Yes I honestly do treat them as my own. We all eat together and I'd find it impossible to do otherwise.

Must be really hard to cook separate meals and to treat one child so differently.

leeloo1 · 28/06/2012 10:53

Could the special puddings have been a one off? Or are they older and the snacks would be too rich for your DC?

I generally treat the mindees the same as my own children, but sometimes they can't be - e.g. DS is allowed to go and fetch toys from his bedroom or play upstairs (which is unregistered), whereas obviously mindees aren't.

Also, sometimes DS is very hungry just before the others are due to be collected (they leave around 6) so he has a snack/starts tea then. The mindee's parents wouldn't be happy with their children eating so close to home/tea-time so DS does eat by himself - which may seem unfair to the mindees, although I do explain that their mummy/daddy is coming to collect them for tea very soon.

I think something to bear in mind is that for the mindees this is 1/2/3 part-days out of their week, whereas for a CM's own children it is their whole life (e.g. they'll have to share their mummy/toys for the majority of their home-life - although obv there are benefits for them too) so you sometimes have to look at the big picture for them. Does that make sense?

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