Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Childminder divorcing... should I be worried?!

12 replies

gottogetdressed · 11/06/2012 15:24

My childminder (looks after DS, age 2, 3 days a week) is awesome. She is everything I wanted when I looked for childcare, and is brilliant for DS in every way. However, she is in the process of going through a bit of a messy divorce, and whilst in so many ways I feel it is none of my business - it is starting to worry me a little bit - especially the impact on DS.

I live in quite a small community, and everyone seems to know everyone else's business, so her break up with her husband (who has always been really lovely towards me/DS) isn't exactly a local secret. In fact, it does seem that she is being quite harsh to him, and acting in quite a childish way. I happened to be walking the same way as him after drop-off this morning and he was quite upset by her behaviour. I know it was only his side of the story, and that their personal life really isn't any of my business, but it made me a bit worried.

She has two kids, one same age (more or less) as DS and the other a few years older - the youngest is by her current husband. They are all still living together (I think) and she is trying to get the house - but from all I have heard it's getting pretty messy and nasty there. I am sure they are trying hard to keep it away from the kids (both theirs and those who are child minded) but it's still really bothering me. DS keeps asking "where is my daddy?" and I think it's because he's hearing it from her kids.

My childminder hasn't mentioned anything directly to me at all - it's only come from her husband (he's spoken to me and DH about the break up). I feel bad asking her directly about it as it is not really my business. Or is it? I am currently 16 weeks pregnant (maybe I am being over emotional?!), so perhaps its a short term thing and I just need to ignore it - but DS is so happy there I wanted him to go back after mat leave.

Eek - what would you do?!

OP posts:
gottogetdressed · 11/06/2012 15:43

Realised that potentially that it looks like I am bit heartless towards childminder. Should have said that it was all her decision and she is the one driving it forward. Do feel bad for her and all that she must be going through too!! Am not totally selfish... (blush)

OP posts:
lesstalkmoreaction · 11/06/2012 16:03

Have you not asked her if she is ok? As its common knowledge that everyone seems to know she may think you are a bit odd for not asking so she is probably less likely to have said anything directly to you.
Don't listen to the gossip only they know the facts but at the very least you can enquire if she and the children are ok and mention that your child has asked about his daddy and you wondered if she had told the minded children what was going on, and no you are not being selfish as if she is going to move you obviously need to plan but until she says something then not much you can do, open the doors of communication and she may keep you in the loop, or you may end up just getting her side of the story!!

gottogetdressed · 11/06/2012 16:50

I did ask - and got a very short 'Yep' type response - very much like she didn't want to talk about it. I haven't pushed as don't want her to think I am gossiping behind her back!

Was thinking of asking if she wanted to have a coffee and chat about future (meaning her looking after bump once it arrives, and potential for some care during mat leave) as pick up /drop off always a bit rushed to talk.

You are probably right I need to be more proactive in broaching it with her.

OP posts:
dearth · 11/06/2012 17:20

Unbelievably unprofessional of her DH to discuss their marriage break-up with one of his wife's clients, in particular painting her in a bad light. The man has boundary issues and could be abusing her by attempting to jeopardise her finances by making you concerned about your child's welfare. I was married to an extremely charming abuser who managed to make some people believe I was a toxic loon. He never told people about the times he tied me to furniture etc.

Just be wary of his motives.

Talk to your son about the things he's saying, or better yet play about it with small world figures. And tell the CM what he has said, and be honest about your concerns.

Flisspaps · 11/06/2012 17:28

I think that you're right, in that it isn't any of your business. If your DS is showing that he is being affected by their break up, then fair enough, but as he isn't really then ultimately her professional life and private life are still separate.

I second what dearth has said about the DH as well. He shouldn't be discussing these matters with his wife's clients. How do you know for sure she is being 'childish' or harsh towards him? He's hardly going to say that he's been a bastard to her for X years and now she's had enough, is he?

Flisspaps · 11/06/2012 17:29

(not that that is the case of course, but it might be) - in your shoes I'd be civil but have nothing to do with him on a 'friendly' basis unless you were friends anyway, and take any badmouthing on either side with a pinch of salt.

gottogetdressed · 11/06/2012 17:36

Thanks all - good points, and the bad-mouthing factor on the part of her husband had definitely crossed my mind. I rarely see him for more than a few seconds it just happened that he was walking out the house as I was leaving and so couldn't really ignore him!

Will speak to DS about it a bit more, and will try the toy suggestion (although he's only just 2 and into saying that he doesn't like people/things all the time to get a reaction at the moment... not helpful in this situation!).

OP posts:
thebody · 11/06/2012 21:57

I understand u want to make sure your ds is ok but generally it sounds like your cm Is doing a smashing job.

As you say their private life is noones business but theirs as long as it doesn't affect her professional life for cming.

Don't engage with her dh. If he tries again simply tell him it's none of your business and you don't want to get involved.

Its probably essential to her she keeps her mindees especially if she is splitting up so defiantly mention having the baby.

monkeymoma · 11/06/2012 22:02

I would say from your child's point of view, that if it is now at the divorce stage the worst of the "atmosphere" stage is over

maybe the gossip says that she's a meaney because only he is gossiping and she is being dignified and not trying to "win votes" all over the village, therefore the gossip is very one sided

gottogetdressed · 14/06/2012 11:43

well... problem 'solved' this morning. CM handed in her notice as moving out of the area due to the divorce. Lots of sadness all round :-(

Am gutted....

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 14/06/2012 12:32

What a shame Sad

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/06/2012 18:40

That must be very hard for you, OP and very hard for the CM, too. Hope you find someone just as lovely for your little ones.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread