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DS and CM's son don't get on fabulously- what to do?

7 replies

ThePoshHobbit · 31/05/2012 14:16

DS is 7, CM's son is 10 and they both go to the same school.

Recently DS has been getting less and less keen about going to hers after school (3 days per week)- he has been going there since just after February half term. When I picked him up yesterday I could tell something was bothering him, he was close to tears but "holding it in".

I think that there is some natural competition between the boys, they both love football and CM's older son (more accomplished too- he plays football for the junior side of a nationally known football team) doesn't want to have to "play down" to ds's level. Which I can understand to some extent.

However I think my keen-to-please little chap is feeling used (without identifying the feeling as such, just interpreting what he's told me)- cm's son will say to ds when ds doesn't really want to get totally and mind numbingly trounced by this lad "come on x come and play football if you win I will let you play with my such and such toy" that he knows ds adores but is not allowed to play with, and he knows full well that ds wont be able to beat him, or he'll set rules that he knows mean ds wont be able to compete with (e.g. ds can't tackle, or will position the goals so that ds has to shoot uphill on the rather steep slope they play on, makes it v hard for ds)

Now of course the older chap does all this so ds won't be able to beat him, no matter how hard he tries. And goodness knows he tries, he's exhausted when we collect him ;)

He also tries to stop ds join in with football games at breaktimes at school, although ds just ignores him and joins in anyway (the rest of the children are very happy to have ds in the game as he is an enthusiastic participant and whilst not as accomplished as cm's son, quite useful in a mixed team)

But I think DS is feeling brow beaten, and it's upsetting him. I'm not really sure how to address this. I'm not suggesting that it?s a case of "my poor little son, you must let him win you nasty older creature you!" but at the same time this older lad is taking advantage of the fact that my son is smaller than him and, well, just not being terribly kind.

It all feels so petty and silly and I suppose if it was adults, it would be, but it is really making my ds upset and is the first time we've had to deal with "friendship" issues.

Do I talk to the CM about this? Or is there anything I can suggest to ds to help him negotiate his way through it?

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ThePoshHobbit · 31/05/2012 14:18

ps Would welcome thoughts from cm's as well as parents, would you be offended if a parent raised this with you? Is it not the done thing? Am unsure of etiquette, we are still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship I guess!

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piprabbit · 31/05/2012 14:19

I'd talk to the CM and let her talk to her son.
You would be doing your DS a favour if you could teach him how to say no and mean it (and then go off and find something else to occupy himself with), but that is a tough lesson at any age.

Unlurked · 31/05/2012 14:29

Definitely talk to cm. Obviously she can't do much more than talk to her ds about how he behaves towards your ds at school but after school is your son's 'downtime' and she needs to make sure he is enjoying himself, not being stressed out.

I'm a cm and have kind of had the opposite problem with my DD being the one who is bossed about a bit by other mindees. I actually think I would find it easier to deal with the other way round.

Tell you cm what you've said here. You don't sound like you think her ds is inherently evil Grin but your ds is finding the friendship he has with an older boy in her care setting difficult to manage and she needs to give him some help with it.

ThePoshHobbit · 31/05/2012 14:32

Pip- yes it is a hard lesson. part of me thinks "there are lots of unkind people he will meet in his life, learning how to deal with it and still feel conmfortable with his choice is a valuable life lesson" but on the other hand he really wants to play football- I think he would just like to be given a chance. Not "allowed" to win but to feel that he was at least competing. (He is desperate to win bless him!

He has said that he doesn't want me to speak to cm as he doesn't want to get her son into trouble :(

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ThePoshHobbit · 31/05/2012 14:35

Unlurked- no certainly not! (I've examined his head from my vantage point as a taller adult and there is no evidence of any horns on him Wink)

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An0therName · 31/05/2012 15:31

I would talk to the CM about it too - my DS has had a bit of a similar issue -with my CM's sons -but I think she had a word with him as it seems to be going better now
also if he really likes football does it he go to a club or sometimes there are holiday activities - it can help if he gets better!

LoonyRationalist · 31/05/2012 16:43

Your CM should be dealing with this, the difference between a 7 & 10 year old is big and she should be establishing ground rules of what is & isn't acceptable (from both of them) and yes it is an issue to be concerned about. On the other hand I should think that the football skills of your DS are improving hand over fist with all this extra practice ;)

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