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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

SAHMs - do you do unpaid childcare?

20 replies

AblativeAbsolute · 15/05/2012 14:35

Just curious, really. DS1 is starting in Reception in September, and one of my neighbours' little girl is going to be in the same class. I'm on perfectly friendly terms with the mum, though we're 'friends because our kids are the same age' rather than 'people who would be friends regardless', IYKWIM. Anyway, the mum works three days a week, and I know that she's currently looking for a childminder to take her daughter to school in the mornings and look after her after school. Now, I'm wondering whether I ought to offer to do the morning school run. (I wouldn't offer for the afternoon, because that would be actually restrictive, if I wanted to go out after school etc - but in the mornings all I would be doing for the 45 minutes she needs is giving my kids their breakfast and taking them to school anyway.) I'm just unfamiliar with all this, and don't know how common these informal arrangements are. Is it selfish of me not to offer? Or would it be beyond the call of duty to offer? (I wouldn't be comfortable taking any payment.) I'm sure the mum would be happy to help out in return - but having said that, I can't really see any opportunity for her to help me out in a similar way (because I don't work and I'm always around), except on very rare occasions.

There must be loads of mums in this situation. WWYD?

OP posts:
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wedoNOTdothat · 15/05/2012 14:43

I work part time. On both my days off I take another child to school and collect him along with my dd. I do this because his mum is a good friend of mine I know she would help me out if I ever needed it. He a lovely child and gets on well with my children so no squabbling to sort out. There have been two days in the last school year when I couldn't take him and I gave them plenty of notice so it wasn't a problem.

It is certainly not selfish to not offer.

I would do it if it doesn't cause you any extra hassle and you will be happy with the arrangement. I know I would become resentful if I felt it was expected of me or I was being taken for granted. Maybe you could offer to o it one day a week then increase if it works out?

seeingstars · 15/05/2012 14:45

There have been threads on here bfore about this. Don't do it. What if you are ill or you DCs? Or if the other child is ill and the mother wants you to have her all day. Minefield!

Runoutofideas · 15/05/2012 14:52

I don't think it is a very common thing, for the reasons seeingstars says, unless you can work out some form of fair reciprocal arrangement. eg She takes both children swimming on Saturday mornings, or something similar... I don't think she would expect you to offer, but would probably bite your hand off if you did!

Runoutofideas · 15/05/2012 14:53

Bear in mind, if you did take payment, and you had the child for over 2 hours a day, you would be breaking the law unless you registered as a childminder.

Tommy · 15/05/2012 14:55

I did this with a friend when our children started school. It wasn't very successful so we stopped it before it affected our friendship. It is a big commitment and as other posters have said, what do you do if your child is ill and not going to school?

Houseworkprocrastinator · 15/05/2012 14:59

I look after my friends little girl a couple of days after school, give her dinner and her mum picks her up about 6. All was fine until my daughter and her became not so good friends, they bicker all the time and other child is sulky which I find difficult. I have also become their unofficial baby sitter for Everything else. I take her to parties and dance class and don't get offers of help back.
Am now in the situation I resent it.

Runoutofideas · 15/05/2012 15:48

Also, I find it hard enough to get myself and my own children out of the house at the right time on school days. Adding in extra children would cause chaos in this house, and I am a childminder, so used to chaos in general - just don't want it first thing in the morning!

thebody · 15/05/2012 16:47

Unless it was a reciprocal arrangement I just dont get it.

AblativeAbsolute · 15/05/2012 21:51

No reason behind thinking of doing it, really, other than just to try to be helpful to a (sort of) friend. Though it also occurred to me that my very shy DS might benefit from having a ready-made friend when he starts school (I mean, he knows the girl a bit already, but this would give him someone to walk in with). But, as usual, MN has been v helpful in opening my eyes to all sorts of things I might not have thought of. I'm now thinking it might not be such a good idea (and perhaps especially not in the first few weeks, when we're trying to settle into our own school day routine). Hmm. Maybe I'll just offer to be a back-up if her childminder's ill or whatever.

OP posts:
eeden · 15/05/2012 22:03

Also in the event of a problem, you will still have to live right by her so another thing to consider. You sound really nice, just be careful nobody takes advantage-I see this at our school all the time. Tbh I wouldn't offer to be the backup if cm has a prob. Having said that, if she actually asks you when cm has a prob, it's fine to do the favour in that situation.

I am 3 years into the school scene now and started out like you, perfectly happy to help people out for no payment etc but now I avoid getting involved at all. It is surprising how manipulative and entitled some people can be.

januarysnowdrop · 16/05/2012 07:33

I think people are maybe being a bit more negative than they need to here! Sure, there could be potential problems, but there could also be benefits - I do exactly this for a neighbour (it started out as 1 morning a week for free, but then eventually went up to 4 mornings which she pays me for as she didn't feel comfortable with getting so much free childcare). I can honestly say that the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

Having somebody else coming for breakfast gives my family a real impetus to get out of bed and get dressed in the morning (which I know would otherwise be an issue), it means I'm more organised as there's no way I would ever let somebody else's child risk being late to school, and my dds have become really good friends with this little boy (he's actually a year older than dd1). Sure, we've had days when dd1 has been ill, but for us it was easy as the school is only round the corner, so I took the neighbour's child in anyway. We also had a morning when I was in hospital, but my husband took both children to school that day. Your neighbour will need to sort out some sort of back-up childcare anyway, whatever she ends up doing, so I wouldn't get too worried about emergencies - they're bound to happen occasionally, but generally speaking you're going to be taking your ds in anyway, so in the normal run of things it wouldn't make much difference to you having an extra child along.

I think people have raised some important issues here, but I don't really see why this should mean you should reject the whole idea immediately: if you did offer to do it, perhaps you should suggest that after a month or so you could have a drink together and talk about how it's going? Obviously if the two children didn't get on, that could be a pain, but on the other hand it's not a long time that they'd be together, and presumably most of that time would be spent having breakfast so fairly unlikely you'd have fights breaking out all the time.

I know you say you wouldn't be comfortable being paid - this is exactly how I felt to begin with - but bear in mind that she might feel uncomfortable not paying you for something which is obviously helping her out enormously and enabling her to go and earn money for herself! For me being paid definitely helps me not feel exploited/resentful, and there's no issue with being an illegal childminder if it's just the school run in the morning (in my case I actually did end up registering as a childminder as I found I really enjoyed having extra children around so now I have another neighbour's children for a couple of days as well). We agreed mates' rates so I don't feel as though I'm exploiting her, but it's ever so nice to have a bit of extra pocket money - I often spend some of it on croissants for breakfast which all the children love!

So - up to you, obviously, but I just wanted to put a more positive spin on the issue. I would think seriously about the getting resentful/feeling exploited issue - but as people say, some sort of reciprocal arrangement, or agreed payment, could easily take care of that. It's nice to help people out!

januarysnowdrop · 16/05/2012 08:22

PS: on the resentful/exploited side of things, my m-in-l did lots of unpaid childcare for neighbours who were working back in the 70s and 80s when dh was young and she still feels resentful and exploited!

mamadoc · 19/05/2012 09:15

I have two lovely friends who have DD after school for me (1 day each) whilst I'm at work and I repay by babysitting or having their DC on my days off.
We were friends anyway and they actually offered when I was getting really depressed at the lack of decent childcare when I went back to work.
If she is ill or they're away well then I just have to manage as I would if I had a childminder ie me orDH take a day off. They say that its quite nice having DD as she entertains their DC. I hope I am not taking advantage (I do regularly check!)

AblativeAbsolute · 19/05/2012 13:56

More interesting food for thought, thank you. The illness thing doesn't bother me too much, because I'd have to be getting DS out of the house anyway to take DS2 to pre-school, at least on some days. One of the things that strikes me about these responses is that, where the system seems to work well, it's either on a semi-professional basis, or where the mums are really close friends. Neither really applies in this case, so maybe that's a cause for concern.

OP posts:
alphabite · 19/05/2012 18:18

Go for it.
I can't believe people are being so negative. What happened to people doing kind deeds for each other. Well done OP for thinking of doing this.

Yes there are potential problems if the children fall out etc but have a talk beforehand and clear these things up.

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/05/2012 11:31

I'd offer it, friends are supposed to help each other out.

Its quite sad to see so many negative replies, dont people help each other out anymore?

IDontDoIroning · 20/05/2012 11:45

How good friend are you, how good friends are the dc.?
Personally I wouldn't offer unless you were very good friends and able to talk bluntly to each other and not be offended if you had to stop.
There's a lot of potential for it all to go badly wrong especially if you don't know each other well, I think you may underestimate the disruption another child may cause in the morning. How well does this child behave compared to yours? It's a real minefield where if you don't set out the arrangements firmly at the outset there's a huge pontential for entltlement taking for granted and resentment to occurr.
There are loads of threads on this subject, most bad but I guess people who have a good arrangement wouldn't post would they and recently one thread where a mum evolved from picking child up on their walk to school to having him dropped at hers half an hour earlier and having to give him breakfast (at her expense) before walking him to school.
If you really want to do this in general why not set up as a childminder yourself and then do the school runs and get paid for it.

hidinginthecupboard · 20/05/2012 11:56

I have had similar arrangements with friends but anything like this I have always agreed with the friend to do it on a termly basis and reassess with no hard feelings - one time I changed my hours so couldn't help my friend regularly but I am still her emergency back up (and she mine which is invaluable).

You could offer to do say one day a week, or offer to do it just for the first half term whilst everyone gets used to the school routine and the kids get settled in. If that works out then carry on. In terms of you not needing so much help, you could still ask her to have one of your DC for a bit so you can have some one on one time with the other, take them swimming or something. Or rack up some Saturday night babysitting credits Grin

Ultimately whether it works out or not depends on the personalities involved, you can judge that better than us Smile

fuckwittery · 20/05/2012 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToryLovell · 20/05/2012 19:30

I think it has to be reciprocal in some way - either she looks after your DC to give you a break, or takes them somewhere or pays you.

I pick up neighbours chid a couple of times a week, but I am friends with the Mum and DD is friends with her DD. I don't work much but know if I get offered work then I can take it and my neighbour will help me out. They often take DD with them for treats to repay as well.

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