Aupair- Quandries

[Julia1973]

I always seem to come on here with a quandry- sorry. Just that I don't know anyone else with an aupair, and don't want to be overly grumpy and want to stay fair to aupair without making me feel uncomfortable.

Aupair has now got an english boyfriend. Ive not met him yet- shes smitten and from the sound of it he sounds like someone with a bit of a dodgy past but trying to turn things round. (lost job cos punched boss, lost driving license drunk driving accident.)

Anyway here are my list of problems that this new bloke now throws up.

No 1: The kids told me they met up with him in the park today. I wasn't happy about this as he isn't excatly a Nobel Peace Prize Winner and Ive not met him yet. Told the aupair this. Is this unfair?

No 2: I put the chain on at night time- but obviously not when she goes out and comes back late. She asked if it was ok just not to come back- I said Id prefer to know cos of chain. She asked if she could phone my mobile in the night if she decided thats what shes going to do - I said Id rather not be woken in the night and whether she could decide before leaving the house. Again, fair?

no 3: She hasn't asked yet but if the relationship develops- Do you let the aupair stay away during the week?

Ive kind of already decided that he can't stay here overnight and I don't really care if thats fair or not lol :)

No.1 - If the aupair is with the kids, I have no problems with her meeting up with other aupairs/nannies with their charges. I will not be happy for her to meet up with her casual friends, male or female and certainly not her boyfriend. She is at work, not on her free time.

No.2 - She should be able to tell you before she leaves or at least before you go to bed. I would not be happy to be woken after I have gone to bed.

no.3 - Does your aupair have an early start to her day e.g. getting children ready for school. If so, I would be reluctant to let her stay out other than on a very occasional basis and even then, monitoring whether it affects her duties. It is one of my house rules that if she has to work the next day, she has to come home at a reasonable time. For a very good and reliable aupair, I am prepared to bend the rules. But after she has proven herself.

I agree with not letting boyfriends stay overnight. I don't allow aupairs to bring men into the house.

The upshot is that if this relationship is interfering with her duties, then it will no longer work for me and I would encourage her to move on.

I'm a nanny, not an au pair, but I would say

1. yes, that's totally fair. You can't meet up with friends during working hours, simple as that. Irrelevant that he is a boyfriend or that he punched his boss etc etc.

1. I don't think she needs to tell you before she leaves the house, but she should let you know before you go to bed so you know whether to put the chain on or not. Give her a cut off time of 10pm/11pm or whatever suits.

1. Outside of working hours it isn't really any of your business what she does. If she is supposed to start work at 7am and she is there and fit for work at 7am then that's all you need to worry about. Where she sleeps or who with is none of your business. If she's coming in hungover or really tired, or she's late for work because she isn't in the house then that would be different.

totally agree with blueshoes

Our APs Boyfriend/Fiance followed her to England this year. Lives about an hour and a bit away from us now. So, I have a few thoughts on this matter. We've met APs partner, he's a nice bloke. BUT

1. new bloke you've not been introduced to, she's entertaining him during working hours: NO. Even if you've met and kind of okay'd him: any during working hours meet ups should be an exception rather than rule.

2. She needs to tell you not when she goes for how long, but whether to put the chain on or not. not ring in the middle of the night.

3. Tough one. I agree with Holy in principle but I would operate a one strikes n your out principle - any sign of lateness and I'd reign it in.

My advice to you re sleepovers at your place though is just say no. Just don't go there. I do allow this for reasons that it's too long to go into now and would become major hijack but I don't recommend it for a boyfriend who's in England (as opposed to a partner abroad who comes to say a few times a year and there's an 'end' in sight so to speak) is that it can get to be a bit much.

Glad to see I was on the right track :)

I agree that bf from abroad a different and have had no problems with previous bf staying over for 3 days when they visit. But if its a local lad I jut think its inappropriate.

HCCB- I do agree its non of my business what she does and who she does it with. I am just mindful that our ap tends to bite off more than she can chew at times and already struggles to get out of bed and isn't the most relaible when it comes to doing her duties. But youre right I shouldn't punish her for stuff that hasn't happened yet.

Thnaks guys :)

As everyone else has said with one final caveat. That if she has said she is not coming back and then an emergency develops that means she needs to come home she can phone. Whilst it is annoying if this happens having had our AP pick up the pieces when another was left locked out in a similar situation, I thought how would I expect DD to be treated if she went of to AP for a year.
I don't think any of us could think that leaving a young girl like this on the streets at night is a good thing.

It kind of depends what an emergency is...?

Our aupair is 24 and to be honest if I couldn't trust an aupair (any aupair) to deal maturely with going out and looking after themselves, I'm sorry but then theyd have no business looking after my kids.

At the same time- of course Id get up in a genuine emergency-and have done in the past.

That said the sort of moral duty thing irks me. Our current auapir smuggeled a drunk aupair friend in and out the house last year as she was too wrecked for any taxi to take her home. When I found out and told our aupair that I didn't like the idea of us becoming a doss house for drunks when my kids sleep next door- she pulled exactly the same line- "Could you have it on you conscience if something happened to one of my friends?"

The answer Im afraid is- much more easily than if something happened to one of my kids.

Now I really do feel like Im a grump.

I think I wouldnt be happy about her spending time with Bf when she is supposed to be working as the children will not be the focus of her attention. When she isnt working it is up to her what she does.

Also, absolutely no BF's staying over. I used to let my au pair have her BF stay as she lived in a seperate annex, but it became a nightmare and I ended up throwing him out of the house as he was rude to me in front of my children. Have since become a lot more tough and less accomodating.

She asked if she could phone my mobile in the night if she decided thats what shes going to do - I said Id rather not be woken in the night and whether she could decide before leaving the house.

Not an emergency situation. Text by 10 or 11 to confirm her plans.

My Aupair is 28 and been with us 3 years now.... Less of an Aupair now I suppose more mothers help/nanny.
She has a bf and stays out most nights now at his place! But is always back in time for work. I have met bf a few times and he's nice however I have asked he doesn't stay here unless we are away. We now have a baby and are often are in bed early.... So want house quiet!
When we go away and she doesn't come with us we ask her to sleep at home .. With her bf ... To look after dogs. This works for all of us.
She doesn't drink....I'm not worried about her being tired. In 3 years she has never let me down.