Experienced CMs, please, please help!

[LingDiLong]

I have had such a stressful morning

I've been looking after a 3 year old boy for the last couple of months. He was my first 'customer' as a childminder so I'm pretty new to all this...

He's being incredibly rough with my almost 2 year old and I really need some ideas as to how to deal with it. The problem is it's very rough 'cuddling', especially round the neck rather than out and out punching or hitting. I've been very positive up til now, lots of showing him how to be gentle and praising him when he is. I posted before about this and got given the idea of cuddling him more myself and getting a soft toy for him to cuddle, unfortunately he has no interest in cuddling me or soft toys!

By the end of his session today my poor DD was beside herself and couldn't be put down, he just wouldn't leave her be. He goes completely 'deaf' when I tell him to stop.

I can't work out whether he's actually trying to hurt her or not - he's a very fighty little boy, comes over with guns and talks a lot about fighting and killing people, likes dressing up as a Power Ranger etc etc. But he does genuinely seem to like my DD - told me today he loved her 'so, so much'. If my DD ever tries to push him away he uses this as an excuse to actually hit her, telling me that he's supposed to hit back if anyone hits him.

I keep them as busy and distracted as possible which does help but whenever we're just playing it's exhausting to be constantly having to phsyically stop him from throttling her.

Any ideas??? At what point do I talk to his mother about this, if at all?

Hi LingDilong

I send you a hug.

It a sensitive one. Whether he is being naughty or heavy handed you need to deal with this firmly but fairly.

Let me have a think about this one. I will come back to you on this.

I think you do need to talk to his parents about it, you don't have to say it in an accusing way but you need to know if he's like this at home, what behaviour they expect at home etc. There is no way you'll change his behaviour if his parents aren't on board too.

Do u hear her cry when u leave the room? Or is it all in your vision?

Thanks mum2bless. Parkavenue, that's what I'm worried about, putting it across in a way that isn't accusatory. Will need to think how to be diplomatic.

Thebody, I very rarely leave them alone because of this behaviour. So it's always when I'm present, if I'm ever out of sight for a second he makes a beeline for her though. For example, when I took him to nursery today I'd positioned them both away from each other in the car, the minute I got out of the car to get them out of their carseats he unbuckled himself and was grabbing her round the face while she screamed hysterically by the time I got to the back door. As I opened the back door he jumped away from her and said she'd grabbed HIS face but I hadn't seen that and there certainly weren't any marks. Again, this is difficult for me, I don't think she grabbed him but am I just being defensive because she's my baby?!

So difficult but I think of it this way, if he was your own ds and acting like this would you treat this behaviour any differently? Would you be tougher on him or be the same.

I think it's important to treat mindees as if they were your own kids, discipline and cuddles so maybe think are you being too soft with him as he a mindee??

I have to say as a cm any if my mindees who grabbed and scratched another's face would be in serious trouble, 3 is old enough to know this is wrong. 18 months fair enough.

Poor you and poor dd, it's not right you can't leave them for a few minutes.

Have you had a word with his nursery? does he do this sort of thing their as well? I'm presuming you do wrap around care for him worth asking, working in partnership and all that.

Thebody, thanks again. I think you're right actually, I am much softer on him than I would be on my own children. I would be down on my DS like a ton of bricks if he was continually being rough with DD like this. Tomorrow I am going to be very clear with him what kind of physical contact is allowed and what isn't and make sure there are some clear consequences if he doesn't listen and some rewards for when he does. I'll have a diplomatic chat with his mum too.

Atwork, I'm a bit wary about doing this without having spoken to his mum first. It doesn't feel right to approach the nursery behind her back, but it's a question I could ask his mum. I would assume they would have had to speak to her if he'd been as physical there as he is at my house.

Good luck for Tom and yes I agree firm but consistent fair boundaries and consequences eventually work, chat to mum as well though understand its difficult because dd IS your dd and she might feel you are favouring her, if he was beating up another minder it would be simpler to approach.

atwork I tried approaching a nursery about a problem with a child and was met with a wall of ' you are a cm do we can't discuss with you' even though as you say we are supposed to liaise.

Have u had success doing this in your area?

thebody I find it varies (quite a lot) so I do the How's he/she been today? casual sort of thing, you can generally tell if the response is through gritted teeth that something is amiss. I also get indicators from the child, if they talk about x being naughty, or so and so wouldnt share etc if this happens a lot I get the feeling that one doth protest to much and do some digging.

LingDiLong have you tried liasing with the setting to share learning journeys / planning yet? you could try a general approach on how he is getting on in the areas of learning - ask about PSED, that way if nursery feedback to mum you can use the sharing with other setting thing.

Atwork, here in Wales we don't have to do learning journeys or follow EYFS so I think I'd be on shaky ground still. Interesting what you say about indicators from the child though, he does indeed tell me his friends are 'naughty' to him, I wonder if they are lashing out because of his behaviour?! Hm.

Anyway, I've had a good morning with him today. The first thing he said when he arrived was that his Mum had told him to be gentle with the other child I look after (who happens to be his cousin) and he was excellent for most of the morning. I sent him home with a star sticker and a load of praise. I also feel very encouraged that his mum is a) aware he can be rough and doing something about it b) clearly able to have a big influence on his behaviour. I shall involve her straight away if he's rough again next week.

Thanks for all your help everyone x

How old is your dd?

When dd was with your childminder, there was another child there who kept making a bee line for her. He would block her way into rooms, snatch toys from her, hit her if she tried to reach for any toys etc. Whenever he did this, she would scream and cry.

We worked with the childminder and taught dd to just say, in a very loud voice "No Brian" and to put her hand up in front of herself like a stop sign. She was very brave, because she was genuinely frightened of this child, but stood very still and just said NO.

The childminder sat down with the other child's parents and let them know what he was doing, and that it was inappropriate and upsetting for the other children and that she expected their support in working on it.

The childminder was wonderful and very vigilant. After a couple of weeks "Brian" got bored of the lack of reaction (screaming and crying) from my dd and started to leave her alone.

Is your daughter old enough to do this?

DD is only 22 months so I don't think she'd manage that. But thanks though, it's definitely food for thought as I'd not considered the fact he might be doing it deliberately to get that reaction.

Really sorry, just noticed I was suppose to come back on this.

You need to have a word with mum on this. Make her aware of this so she can support what you are doing with her child.

I deal with a child who was bitter on other children and herself. She was even lash out at me. It was at time hard as I did not always get the support I needed. I had to deal with it very seriously as it effected the others.

I got to the stage at the beginning where I had to have eye at the back of my head, keeping an eye on the ohter child who was being attacked.

It could be a short phase, but never the less treat it seriously.

You do not want to get to the stage where you dread the little one coming to your home.

All the best, let us know how things go.

Excuse spelling mistakes (who was a biter)

Does this just happen at home when he's a bit cooped up. I would try getting out more, go to the woods, park and open areas. Take the dressing up with you do the power rangers stuff outside so its not so full on in a confined space.
Meet up with some other boys, take some sheets and build a den in the woods, I bet he would love some forest school, and outdoor learning.

Thanks Mum2Bless, and don't apologise, I've seen a few of your posts on here and I know you have your hands very full!

I actually ended up having a chat with the mum on Thursday and it was very positive and enlightening. He is indeed being very rough with his younger siblings and she is addressing this. So I feel we're on the same page and I am confident about approaching her if I have a similar experience with him again. Fingers crossed it is indeed a short phase!!

Lesstalk, we do get out and about loads. He's actually only with me for a few hours and I need to give him lunch before I take him to nursery. One of the days he is with me we go to one of the local parks, the other day he is here we go to a playgroup which he loves. We are also out in the garden as much as the weather permits. In the Easter holidays he was here for longer so we had day trips out a bit further afield.