Childminders and potty training

[WantAnOrange]

I am a registered CM and have been caring for a little girl since she was a baby. She is approaching 2 and half years old now. About 8 weeks ago the parent decided to start potty training.

The child is still having several accidents a day. She has never asked me to use the potty or told me she needs to. If I ask her if she needs a wee she says "no". If I notice she has had an accident, and say "have you done a wee?" she answers "no". She has good speech and language abilities and I am confident she is able to understand the question, and ask to use the potty. She does not tell me if she has wet herself but is aware of it.

My professional opinion is that she is just not quite ready to be trained yet, wait until the summer, then try again. I have had this conversation with the parent about 4 weeks ago but it was clear she did not agree. As a result I don't think she would listen if I brought it up again, although I am always honest about the child's behaviour at my house, so she knows exactly what is going on.

From what the parent has told me, they are having the same thing at home and the child is regularly put in nappies which is not helpful. However, when I reported back to the parent today she denied she is having accidents at home. This contradicts what she has told me previously. She also told me the child does ask to use the potty at home. I find it odd that she would ask at home but not here.

She is otherwise very happy and confident when in my care and willing to tell me what she wants/needs.

I want to support the parent's decision (and will always follow what they ultimately decide) but how can I tactfully show this parent that the child is just not ready yet? Is it possible or should I just accept that this is the parent's final decision and resign myself to changing clothes several times a day. It seems unfair on the child and unnessecary when she could just be free to play! I appreciate that parents can be under pressure to have their child trained by the 'right' age but we are not achieving much here.

Who's doing all the extra laundry?? I'd be inclined to refuse to potty train her yet - as you say she may well be ready in a few more weeks but in the meantime nothing is being achieved and she may actually be being set back.

I'm about to have this discussion with the mother of my 18m old French mindee who wants him to be trained by any means necessary. I have no intention of following him around with a potty because he's nowhere near ready - sometimes you just have to phrase 'no' in a tactful way.

How frustrating. I had problems with one child who would not potty train and consistently pooed pants twice daily. In the end I insisted they provide pull-ups until the child could consistently poo in the potty/loo. It has taken nearly 3 years to train this child, who is now nearly 5.

If the parent had been unwilling to provide pull ups in this situation I would have given notice, as I simply could not cope with the extra hassle that poo in pants was (it went on for 7 weeks before I cracked).

The wee was not so much an issue but I did put the child on the loo without fail every hour whether or not they said they needed it.

The question is, can you cope with all the changes? if so, just keep doing it and reporting back, handing over a big bag of wet clothes as this is what the parent wants. I don't think telling them again that you think the child is not ready will work, as in my experience people hear what they want to hear.

Good Octaviapink I'd be saying no to that to! I send all laundry back to her, although a couple of times I have run out of clothes completely for her and had to find spares.

squinker45 I think you're right, she won't hear it because shes already made up her mind. I don't mind changing her but I don't think it's fair on the child. She can be really enjoying an activity and then have it interupted to be changed. I also got the impression today that she feels it's only a problem at my house and therefore something I'm doing wrong. She claimed at home everything is going great. I hate not to believe her but........

How often/ how long is she at yours? For example if there's only one opportunity for her to wee at home and her mother knows roughly when to potty her then I expect she does think it's going well!

She is with me 3 days a week, 9-3. I put her on the potty every half an hour. Mum has told me in so many words that she is often in a nappy! I expect that is why she is 'dry' at home.

She's with another childminder 2 days a week, same hours.

I have had children who have been fully trained at my house (CM) and not at home, but also the other way around. I explain this to parents when we start the potty training process and we start off trying to use the same approach, but take each environment separately if we need to. I also remind parents regularly that it is not a race and some children want to/are able to use a toilet/have control earlier than others.

I wouldn't do it until they've had a few dry days at home, with no nappies. More than anything it's not nice if they're constantly weeing on your floor and you have other babies crawling round.

I've had a mindee being potty trained lately and mum brought a big bag of spares, just wet got put in my wash but poo ones went home! Mum put it off for a few weeks after having dirty washing sent home as she had no washer so she cracked it at home before trying here again.

It's very common for children to be fully trained at home but have accidents at CM & vice versa as HSMM says. One thing that I did note from your posts is that you put her on the potty every half hour. Whilst this seems logical it can contribute to the problem as reflexes will make her 'go' if there is wee in her bladder but she is unlikely to experience the sensation of a full bladder or the need to 'go', as potentially she may be emptying her bladder too often and so it never fills up. Just a thought

I think you should request that she comes to you in pull-ups. I did a fortnight's potty training over Easter with my DD and spoke to my CM on the phone towards the end of the second week. When I said she was still having a couple of accidents a day when absorbed in play /TV the CM said pull-ups at hers and while I'd have preferred her to pick up the baton, I respected the fact that it's her home and her decision. Happily, today she'd rung and said DD is doing so well she'd be happy to try pants next week, so everyone's happy.

I do not to like to use pull-ups as I feel for most children they are confusing.

ChildrenAtHeart I never thought of that!

I do not believe that, in this instance, she is dry at home.

WantAnOrange I'm with you on the pull-ups. I have it stated in my toileting policy that I am not prepared to use them, partly because, as you say, they can confuse children who are toilet training, but also I find them a pain, as you have to 1/2 strip the child each time they need a new one on.

The alternative is to use trainer paints with old fashioned rubber pants (or like the ones used with re-usable nappies) as the trainer pants are usually towelling so the child experiences the full sensation of being wet but the towelling and outer plastic/rubber layer contains the worst of the spillage.

As it goes, I agree with you. But I would argue in this instance it's that or put up with the wee. You can hardly accuse the woman of lying. And if you don't believe she's ready for potty training it's a compromise which puts her back in nappies until you're ready to try again.

She has arrived in nappies today because "she was playing up a bit this morning"

I guess this means they aren't against using nappies/pull ups when needed so I will ask for them.

I could have written your post myself!
I had a mindee who started potty training not long after her 2nd birthday. She would have up to 6 accidents a day, never said she needed a wee or took herself to the potty, didn't seem to notice when she had wet herself, but when I pointed it out to her she would get upset and actually used to say sorry to me!! Sometimes she wore nappies at home, sometimes knickers, sometimes no clothes at all. It all depended on what Mum could be bothered to do. The poor girl didn't know if she was coming or going. I ended up having to wash her wet clothes because if I sent them home for Mum to wash, she would arrive the next day with no spares! This meant she had to use my sons clothes and I even had to buy her some new clothes on one occasion. Mum would lie to me about LO's progress at home, saying she only had the odd accident, but then slipping up and saying she had lots. This went on for months...I tried everything with no success.
Mum eventually spoke to the HV who told her to stop, put her back in nappies, and try again in a few weeks time. When we tried again we were back to square one but Mum point blank refused to go back to nappies. LO eventually got the hang of it about a YEAR after she first started. If Mum had just waited until LO was ready she could have cracked it in a couple of weeks!
I will not get in to that situation again...my carpets had to be regularly cleaned because they smelled of wee, I had to throw away things she had peed on, we had to miss toddler groups and soft play incase she peed everywhere...in future I will be very strict!
Don't let yourself get in to the same situation as me, nip it in the bud now! If the child is not ready there is no point in pushing them.

My mindee also gets upset when I tell her she needs to wee on the potty theSnuffster. I have never told her off, I just say plainly "wees go on the potty" etc and she STARES at me, silently, then sticks her bottom lip out and cries silent tears!!! It breaks my heart (although I think she knows this ). Makes me feel so guilty!

I have suggested to this mum the same thing the HV told yours but she didn't take it on board.