AIBU - or is my childminder? (bit long, sorry!)

[Mrskbpw]

Since I went back to work (about 18 months ago) after my second mat leave, I've been toying with the idea of becoming a childminder.

Last September I started the Childcare Practice course and at that point, I told my childminder I was thinking about it. One of her friends actually taught my course, so she'd probably have found out I was doing it anyway. She was very interested in what we were learning and was very nice about it all, said she'd help me in any way possible.

I've now done my first aid course and sent off my registration forms etc. BUT, I'm still unsure about actually doing it. I want to register so I've got the option, but I'm not completely convinced it's the right move for me or my family.

My childminder has been relentless in asking when I'm going to do it. I've been completely upfront and told her all my reservations. She knows exactly where I am in my registration process etc. She decided I was going to leave in September (I never said a date) and promptly started telling parents she'd have a vacancy then.

She told me she had to know by Easter if I was leaving her in September. By this point I was almost having a panic attack every time she mentioned it! So I decided to tell her I'd put it on hold for the foreseeable future (pretty much true actually) though I was still going to register.

I haven't seen her this week as my parents picked my kids up and husband dropped them off, but she has written me a long note in our book, saying that because I might do childminding 'in the new year' she's giving me notice on one of the three days she looks after my kids. She says she can't have them on Wednesdays from September as she doesn't want to lose this new family's work. She might be able to have them on Fridays instead.

I am devastated. I feel she's being unreasonable expecting so much notice (we are on a NCMA contract which says maximum of 4 weeks notice) of something I might not even do. I also feel she's showing more loyalty to a family she doesn't even work for yet, than to us.

I don't want her to have my kids on a Friday as it will make my life and my mum's much more complicated and be more unsettling for the boys. I feel she's punishing me for being so honest with her and I'm wishing that I'd never said anything in the first place.

My husband says we should tell her I'm definitely not going to do childminding and just don't mention it again. Then if I do decide to do it, I can just give her normal notice. I'm not sure that would work. I feel like I've made an enormous mess of everything.

Any advice about how I should handle this? She's a brilliant, brilliant childminder and my boys love her. I don't want to lose her, but I feel it needs to work for me as well as her.

Sorry this is so long!

Find a new childminder.
She sounds a wee bit unhinged and she can't suddenly change the terms of your contract, but the whole situation sounds like you and your children would be better off elsewhere.

She has given you notice. She is in her rights to do that. She has given you a lot of notice... not just the minimum time period.

She is running a business and needs to do what she feels is best for that business long term. This new family may well be wanting a fulltime place and you are only using part-time.

You registering as a childminder I don't feel really makes any difference. If you were not doing that, would she still have given you notice? I suspect she would have, as you are using her part time, not full time and she is needing to maximise income by taking on families who will use her more of the time. It's a business decision.

I agree with NannyNick. She's got to look at what's best for her and her business. It seems likely you won't be needing her at some point in the next school year, she's clearly got the opportunity to take on a more stable/long term family, so it makes sense for her to do that. You have actually got over 4 months notice here though, so she's being more than generous in her notice period, and, indeed, it seems is also offering an alternative (which may not be convenient for you but she can't know that).

I think all her families are part-time actually. Not sure about the new one but I assume they are too. Do childminders really give families notice because they're not full-time? I know I'm not doing it yet, but that seems very unfair.

So do you think if I tell her I'm definitely not going to leave, that won't make any difference? I think that any one of her families could give her notice at any time - why am I being punished for being honest?

I'm just kicking myself that I ever told her about the childminding course in the first place; I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping her involved, but actually all I've done is make things so much more difficult.

To be honest, you've made things difficult for her, too. She needs to maximise her earnings by keeping places filled.

To give you an example, one of my parents announced she was reducing her work days when she returned from maternity leave at Christmas. She'd known right from the start that she'd do this - she gave notice for one of her contracts - yet she didn't let me know until the 4 weeks notice period. I still haven't filled that place and turned away other parents last year who could have filled it.

Giving notice to part-timers purely for being part time isn't something I'd do and I don't know many who would but, in this case, it would be very frustrating not to know if you were giving notice or not when she has other parents interested in the place.

I do think she'd been as fair as she could under the circumstances. You either couldn't or wouldn't give her a definite answer and resented her asking. She obviously feels she has to make that decision for her business.

No, CMs don't give notice for being PT, but surely you can see that you have given her the impression you will be leaving 'soon', so therefore she would want to make sure she fills those spaces in the best way she can?

Why would you do all that training and go through the registration process, and then not start CMing ?

You've told her that you might be giving her notice at some point. Someone has shown an interest in your child's space.She has bills to pay, so she has taken on the new person and given you notice. She has given you a lot of notice so you have time to make plans.

BackforGood - until I started the training I hadn't realised how 'massive' childminding was. I hadn't really grasped that this wouldn't just be a thing to do until my youngest is at school, but a complete career change. Now I've done it, I'm overwhelmed by it all but I want to register so I've still got the option.

Tanith - I can see why that annoyed you. If she knew what she was doing and when, she should have told you. But I still don't know if I'll definitely be leaving my job. And I definitely wouldn't want to give notice at work or the CM before I'd lined up some potential mindees.

I can see that I shouldn't have mentioned it at all. But I did and now I have to live with it. I guess we'll tell her we'll commit to Wednesdays with her and see if she'll let us have that day. If not, I'll have to work something else out. I feel like such an idiot.

You said that you thought she would show more loyalty to the family she 'works for' than a new one.

She doesn't work for u! She runs a business and is self employed.

She's not your loyal friend but a business woman making fair but sensible decisions to pay her bills and support her family.

If you do register you will need to take this on board yourself.

And if u do best of luck and post for advice and support.

I thought that as I was writing it actually, but I didn't know how else to phrase it. I know she doesn't work for me.

Sorry not nit picking at all though might seem like it, I didn't know how huge childminding was either, it's daunting and I couldn't have done it with littlies of my own( youngest 12). Though lots do of course.

It's a great business but requires a great deal of work and effort, doing my expenses last night and trust me a massive pain in the arse, but did earn a lot of money last year which is a great second income, that's full time and a 10 hour day though.

Actually working notice now as all getting to much and need to put my dd first for a change.

You didn't do anything wrong u know but neither did your cm, u were honest and so was she.

Don't think she's being unreasonable.

just think of it from her point of view, you were a client and then you would be a competitor.....

Agree with those who've said she's given you notice and quite a long period of notice at that - which she is entirely within her rights to do. It's a shame that you don't actually want to leave her, but it's her decision.

Thanks for all the feedback. I can see now that she's just protecting her business and I understand why she's doing it. I'm just finding the whole decision very stressful and having a 'deadline' tipped me over the edge!

My husband was going to speak to her this morning when he dropped off. Hopefully it all went okay; I don't want to upset her and I just want it sorted out. He just emailed me and said it was okay and we'd speak later. Hmm, no clues there! I did urge him to be really nice and see it all from her point of view, so hope he listened to me!

You are going into competition with her!

Agree with many of the sentiments about the CM needing to ensure that she keeps her spaces filled & her income continuous.

Many parents (in my experience anyway) are fine for things to trundle along, as long as the arrangement works in their favour. And it's true that the terms of the contract is 4-weeks notice.

Pparents have to remember that probably the only reason they found a place many months before their child started with their CM, was because the CM was planning ahead in the first place, just like they were.

Therefore, parents have to be aware that they do have some 'moral obligation' to let their CM know if there is any possibility of a change in their circumstance, even if that happens to be many months not the future. And that of course, is a 2-way process.

At best, the CM could have handled it a bit better by explaining clearly to you why she was having to plan ahead.

If you become a CM, good luck! It is hard work, but is rewarding in its way too!

So what did happen in the end?

It was all fine in the end; she's applying for Ofsted for a variation so she can have the new children and my little one on the same day - it only applies to one day a week.

And I've had my pre-registration visit and passed - phew. So just waiting for CRB checks and my health form and then I'll be registered. But I've still not decided what to do...!