Trouble with settling in at childminder

[Barelysleeping]

Hi all! I'm a first time poster and first time mum so please bear with me.

We are having trouble getting DS (8 months old) settled in with the childminder. He has only just started (1st week) and has major separation anxiety. We had tried another CM but things didn't work out and we were told that DS was very unsettled after 2 months of being there (started there at 6 months but we were not told there were any problems until last week when we were told by CM that she had been keeping it from us so as not to 'worry' us). Apparently he is very whingey and whiney with current CM and cries a lot although there aren't any tears but is completely different when I am around. I desperately want him to settle (I go back to work in a month) but not really sure what I can do to help him. CM thinks I need to stop BF altogether and start to ignore him when he whinges - both of which goes against my wishes and instincts - but I suppose I have to in order to get him settled and not so used to me. Did any one else have similar problems with their LO? Would I be better off with a nursery?

nooooooooooo to stopping breastfeeding, no no no and again no

and fgs no to ignoring his distress, he needs comfort and reassurance

seperation anxiety and a new CM is hard for your baby but the CM should have strategies to help him settle, she should be easing him in, familiarising him with her house and the other children there - eg carrying him/using a sling/asking you for comfort items like a cuddly or a muslin

grrrr

Sorry but I think you've managed to pick one that's not really in tune with very young babies and their needs

And I am shocked that she has asked you to stop BF shock shock shocked

Thanks DeepThought. That's what I was thinking but it's so difficult to know what the right thing to do would be. It goes against my instincts but new mums are made to feel like we don't know what they are doing sometimes. I'm wary about changing CMs again and unsettling DS again but I wonder if a good nursery would just be better for him in the long run.

yes I can see why you are chary of changing CMs again, you have had really rotten luck

Normally I say CMs are better (being a CM myself) [sweeping statement] for v young babies than nursery but in your situation I would not be at all surprised if you selected a nursery

NB all the CMs I know in RL are very supportive of BF, are happy to do long settling in periods, are communicative in a positive way with parents, I feel very sad that you have not seen what the very best CMs can do

I think a good childminder is better than a nursery for a young baby, but I can see why you're considering that option.

He's only been there a week and 8/9 months is often the age sep anxiety sets in, so give him a chance.

Do you leave a comfort item with him? and something of yours, a scarf or something that he will associate with you?

The CM shouldn't have told you to stop breastfeeding that was bad advice. What plans have you made for when he is there? Is he used to a bottle/cup? Are you going in to feed him? If you're expecting him to suddenly take a cup after being ebf at home then I think you are being a bit unreasonable and while you shouldn't give up bf, maybe get him to take a cup of expressed milk (or formula) for one feed during the day?

I also think she has a point about 'when he whinges'. You need to remember that he has had you one on one and so is used to his needs being met straight away. In any type of group care (nursery/chilminder/nanny share) he is going to have to get used to playing by himself a little bit, not being held all the time, sharing, waiting etc. This is not a bad thing. There is no harm in distracting/ignoring a 'whinge'. As DeepThought says don't ignore distress/upset, but this is not the same as a 'whinge'. If he can get used to this at home in a familiar environment, it'll be much easier for him to accept it at the childminders.

Thanks both. He has never taken more than 1-2nd of formula from any bottle / cup / beaker in one sitting (even over an hour of trying it with me / DH / CM all giving it a go) but whilst he is still BF and eating plenty of solids including lots of diary then I'm not too worried and I told CM to give him the bottle as his morning and afternoon snack. You are right about the 'whinging' so I'll try not to give in so easily and give him a bit more time settling in.

I have three new babies ( siblings) settling in, at different times and ALL the mums are still breastfeeding. I full support mums bf when returning to work and in fact. think it is important that they continue to do so as long as possible.

It is taking longer for babies to settle as they have been at home with mum longer, I use to have them at 5-6 months, and it was a doddle to settle them, now they are 10-12 months they are firmly attached to mum, so it takes a lot longer for them to transfer that trust to another carer.

It will take at least 4-6 weeks, and if he is part time, and if the c/m can accommodate it, it would be good to leave him for a whole week. I offer that service and the additional days are free, as I consider it an investment and it does make settling a lot easier. The continuity of a full week means that they get used to being left a lot quicker.

I wouldn't think a nursery would be any easier, he needs to feel secure with one person who can cater for his needs, cuddle him all day if necessary, but put down occasionally, I have been doing just that all day today!

I was hoping that as she didn't have any other children at present he would get a lot of attention and one to one time and lots of cuddles but even when she cuddles him he cries apparently. Today we met a friend of mine who has the same colour hair and similar features to the CM and he burst out crying which he has never done before with her or anyone other than the CMs. My fear is that he won't settle anywhere especially since he joined the other CM at a young age and didn't settle after 9 weeks. I've started looking at nursery places just in case especially since when I asked my current CM if she would be ok with him she replied 'we'll see how things go' which makes me a little apprehensive. I figure nurseries won't just refuse to take him and look after him if he cries and whinges or am I being naive?

Barely

I think you've just been really unlucky.

My DS started nursery at 9mo and was devastated. It took him a long time to settle (he now LOVES nursery and can't wait to get to the toys there!).

I breastfed him till 16mo and he didn't take a bottle. The nursery mumbled about it being harder to settle a bf baby but nobody said I should give up. In fact I think it helped DS knowing that even though he went to nursery, that bf bond was still there.

I did four weeks of settling in with DS and it took that long for him to tolerate it. He cried a lot and the staff commented that they had to hold him a lot and occasionally they would let him cry for a moment if they needed to do something urgently but mainly they would just cuddle him. They do have a different parenting style there (they aren't his parents!) but it is pretty warm and kind. There are lots of kids there who have found it hard to settle there but they have all done so in the end - even the clingiest ones like my son.

The nursery did lots to try and help him settle - playing music, which he loved, offering him food he loved and so on. They would tell me each day what helped and what upset him when settling.

I don't know whether you should switch to somewhere different or not. I just think you need to feel that the CM you use has a plan to help your baby settle, even if it takes a while.

Barely, I would be very worried if I knew my CM's strategy is to ignore DS. My DS is now 13 months and I know what whinging for attention is and I ignore him occasionally for a couple of minutes when I need to warm up his tea or go to the loo, etc. But at 8 months, and during the settling in, he needs lots and lots of cuddles and distraction when he starts getting grumpy, not being ignored. He needs reassurance and comfort - why on earth should you stop bf?

I would say you need to change your CM, especially since your DS is so distressed seing someone who only looks like her! I agree you have been very unlucky. Our CM has cuddled DS to sleep every day for the first month, just to help him settle in. He was 10,5 months. He now loves it there, cuddles her and gives her big smiles. I know it's easier said that done to find another CM, but your peace of mind will be so worth it.

There's definitely a difference between me and my husband ignoring his whinges at times and the CM who he doesn't know or trust yet walking away. I've asked about taking him every day for a week but she's unable to for the next month. She also said about an hour ago when I called her that I 'must stop BF' otherwise he'll just take longer to settle and while she doesn't have any other children with her it'll be OK for her to cuddle him and hold him but if he's still like this in a month when she gets another little one then she might not be able to give him the attention he needs. DH says tell her we're not stopping BF altogether so she needs to tell us whether she has issue with this and if so we'll move to a nursery. TBH I'm inclined to cut my losses and move DS anyway as who knows if she'll give us our marching orders in a month.

deffo walk away now

Sounds like a nightmare!!

Telling you to stop Bf is just ridiculous!

I would say that she isn't the right childminder for you and you should find an alternative.

Barely, sounds like you have been very unlucky with CMs. Generally, IMO the more you swap and change CMs/nurseries the longer it will take a child to settle. But in this situation I think you need to as it doesn't sound like your current CM is good with babies and your DS would benefit more from a CM/nursery that understands his needs.

Ok, now I'm going to come out and say walk away. My nursery may have thought I was mad for breastfeeding my bottle refuser all night and working full time (sometimes I did too!) but they NEVER told me to stop.

They did say that in their experience a breastfed baby takes longer to settle but that just means everyone needs a plan on how to make it work. They did not leave him when upset except to quickly do something when it was unavoidable because babies need cuddles and reassurance.

I feel very upset for you because I think you've been so unlucky at a time when you are already anxious about returning to work and don't need this.

I suggest:

• look for a nursery/CM with low staff and child turnover;
• go for somewhere you think actually loves kids and cuddles them;
• ask for a plan on how they will help settle him;
• tell them he is BF and don't take any nonsense;
• go somewhere where you can settle in over a long period. One reason I chose my nursery was they had a pretty unlimited settling in system so I did go for around 3-4 weeks every day, building up time. I would not have gone somewhere where there was only a couple of sessions.

Good luck. I think you've been unlucky but hopefully the experiences you are hearing on here make you see that you don't have to stop bf or settle for someone who won't hug your baby. Childcare is not the same as parental care but it can still be supportive good care.

I also think you need to find a more supportive CM! She shouldn't be complaining to you that he's 'whingey' after a week as the poor baby is just settling in! What does she expect?

I'd also be unhappy about the negativity regarding BFing. My first mindee's mum used to collect her (she was 10-14 mths whilst I cared for her) and sit and BF her on the sofa whilst we chatted about the LO's day. It was a lovely bonding time for them and also the antibodies must have helped her cope with the new germs she'd have been facing at toddler groups!

Most CMs are clued up and supportive, but you do get the odd one who isn't - I met one at a training group who complained about parents not listening to her about not giving their baby solid food at 3 months, everyone was and explained to her why she was wrong.

Why did you choose this one? Is she lovely and comforting generally? If not then shop around and meet a few others - when you meet them (or a nursery) explain you BF and will continue to do so, that your DS has had problems settling in in the past and see if they can suggest strategies to help you and him.