Employers: Would you want to know?.....Nannies: Would you tell?

[professionalchildcarer]

Employers....would you want to know if your nanny is about to embark on IVF treatment?

Nannies....would you tell your employer?

Pros & Cons from all sides please....

id think its none of your employer's business, unless it effects the quality and regularity of work. Id also think that the employer could then find a spurious reason to terminate employment so that they are not liable for maternity cover.

Aha, good thinking, you! Hadn't crossed my mind about termination of employment. I am so naive! Good point! Thankyou.

Just wondering how to request time off for so many hospital visits....Also conscious of becoming an emotional wreck & don't want the parents or children to think I (may) have turned into a monster for no reason.

To be frank if I was paying a nanny to care for my DC it wouldn't matter why she was being a monster, it wouldn't be OK for my DC to be on the receiving end. So assuming you're going to continue to be professional and caring there's nothing to tell. Good luck with the IVF :)

Time off would be booking holiday as per your usual arrangements wouldn't it? If that would not work, then I feel you need to consider if your job is compatible with the amount of time off you need. Perhaps having a part-time job would work better than full-time?

It would be none of my business whatsoever. I don't know how my employer would handle these appts but I suspect I'd have to cover most, if not all with holiday. I would expect that the nanny would think the same - but I would try to accommodate her.

Very sad to love kids, look after others people's and not have one yourself. I'd try to help.

I wouldn't mind whether you told me or not, as I hope I'd be professional enough to not let the reason affect how I dealt with requests for absence or disciplining for unprofessional behaviour.

Could you present this as 'I need to undergo a series of medical appointments on x, y, z days. The reason won't affect my work with the children at all, so please don't worry that they're at any risk.'

That way your employer can work with you to get you to your appointments (without them becoming a load of short-notice absences) and should be less worried that you have health problems that will pit the kids at risk.

Good luck with the IVF :)

I would like to know, but wouldn't expect to know. I don't know the ins and outs of IVF, but as a former nanny employer lots of random days off were harder for me to cover than a solid week - other employers might be the opposite way around. However, I would find it difficult to be understanding of difficulties the nanny was experiencing during treatment if I didn't know what was causing it.

Also, although it's sadly true that some would dismiss, I wouldn't because maternity cover wouldn't cost me anything, as it is reclaimable (bar the time and costs of finding the cover).

I think it depends entirely on the relationship you have with the parents. You know them better than we do - how are they likely to react?

From the parents POV if they were appointments that you could take a child to (and you were happy to) it wouldn't bother me if you took them... but then I'm a very 'would want them to have a normal daily routine* not a 'I would want the nanny to entertain them, focus completely on them, be fun and creating every moment of the day' type of person.

As with any time off - the more notice the better.

Good Luck with the IVF.

I also think it depends however unreliability, snappiness with DC etc would be grounds for dismissal/review irrespective of the reason.

As a nanny I don't think I would have told, but I wasn't in that position....

As an employer I would appreciate knowing the reason for absences and probably be more accommodating/less concerned that I was going to have a nanny going on long term sick etc.

As an employer I would certainly be more accomodating and helpful if I knew what was going on, for instance we would try to work around your appointments without you having to take holiday (both myself and my DW work from home from time to time).

But not all employers think this way I know.

Unfortunately although SMP is refunded by HMRC for small employers, maternity leave is still a big cost. Temporary cover is often more expensive, there may be an agency fee on top, and you accrue paid holiday while on ML which is not refunded by HMRC.

Thankyou all for your ideas/suggestions/advice.

One employer is an absolute star & I would dearly love to tell her what's going on. She does work from home & would fully support me.

My second employer is very emotionally detached, has no feelings towards me as person & literally sees me as someone she palms her children off to when they are too inconvenient for her lifestyle. She would make it extremely difficult for me. She has already refused to give me half a days annual leave despite asking 9 months in advance.

Unfortunately they are friends.

Good Lord OP. What was her reason that you couldn't have the half day off? (If you can say...)

Bugger.

Are you a share nanny or do they each use you on different days?

If different days could you afford to drop Miss Horrible and pick up some ad hoc work around your appointments?

I don't know why she refused my 3 hours off with 9 months notice. I was told in written communications that she didn't want to inconvenience the grandparents or her husband by way of covering me. Even the annual leave she does approve takes weeks for her to ok it & I have to ask several times.

She is very much one of lifes "takers". She thinks she is a nice person & doing me a favour by employing me.

It's not a job share. I do different days & am under individual contracts for each. At the moment I'd rather keep things stable I think as I will have enough going on in my head soon.

I know she won't be accommodating & will make me feel guilty but I will feel bad at taking time off & being an inconvenience.

I don't know what to do.

I think I'd approach the 'nice' employer, explain everything and tell her you are worried about how the 'less nice' employer is going to react, and ask the 'nice' employer for her advice on how to approach the other one.

If she says it's none of her business you will need to think again.

Well, I damn well know what I'd do!! I would have handed in my notice a long time ago. There are plenty of 1 or 2 day a week nanny jobs around. You say you want to keep things 'stable' - I think you are mad, I think you'd be far better off with a lovely new job than with this woman. Life is stressful enough without putting up with shit you don't need to.

I had IVF a couple of years ago, I told my employers (who were awesome about it) and I arranged my appointments for the 7am slot so I could go into work straight after. I think I ended up taking half a day off at short notice the day after my egg collection due to illness

I am glad I told them as IVF is a very stressful thing and you do not need the added worry of trying to keep it a secret or feeling bad about taking days off etc.

OP This woman needs to get a grip. She can't keep you hanging on like that. Her behaviour out of order. Well, you know that, but what I think you have every right to do is say something along the lines of, this is for an appointment that I can't easily reschedule, I do need to confirm this half day with you by xxx. and give her a deadline. The same goes with other holiday - give her a deadline by wchih time she must tell you, end of. Politely, and not with 48 hrs notice, but say a week. A week is fine! white lie about flights etc if you must.

I'm not sure I'd tell the other family. if you think you can trust her and she's not the type to get overwhelmed by the confidence then I would. BUT - I suspect the other woman may well be as difficult a friend as you find her an employer and it may not be that nice employer can manage her any better than you can. These people are often like that!

I actually agree with Chipping...look around for another job too...worth seeing what's out there.

It sounds like it will be hard to achieve with or without telling the 'nasty' employer. Does your hospital let you have v.early appointments that you may be able to go to without it affecting your work? If so you might only have the egg removal/transfer days to worry about but even so it sounds like it might be a challenge getting the time off.

In these circumstances I'd start thinking about finding a new second employer, though I appreciate it can't be easy with the two being friends.

Personally I would be wary of telling them. If you were getting pregnant the 'normal' way they'd have no idea. Telling someone upfront about ttc means they will start to think about your maternity leave. It's not fair and it's shit on you, but that's why I'd try to keep it quiet if at all possible.

Well I got to work this morning & they have forgotten it's my birthday.

I'm now not seeing them for a month & there was no Happy Easter message or anything.

I also happened to remember today that I haven't had a Thankyou from a child (verbal or written) for the birthday present I left her 6 weeks ago & that the thankyou from the other child was for a different gift than the one I gave her.

My mind is made up!!!

Thankyou all for pointing out your observations & thoughts. I will NOT be sharing any personal info with my horrid employer. I will tell my nice boss that I am in need of medical treatment but will try & get appointments out of working hours.

Happy Birthday professionalchildcarer

I hope everything goes well for you with your treatment, and wish you the best of luck with your relationship with your 'good' family, and with making the best of the bad job.