I am a muppet

[PlayEatSleep]

Just got an SMS from DD's childminder saying "Don't let her sleep 2 hours this morning and did you express milk?" !

background: DD3, 9 months, started to go to the childminder 1 month ago. She is BF but diversified and eats well at home. She tends to sleep 7 to 7 at home, 1h30 in the morning and 1h30 in the afternoon. She does take a bottle and falls asleep on her own at home. As I have 3 under 5, she is not in my arms all the time but is used to spend time playing with her toys on her mat.
The nanny, who is a friend (not close), complains that DD wants to be in her arms all the time, doesn't fall asleep on her own and she has decided that she probably misses my milk. Cue this morning's text. DD goes MTTF, from 11 to 5.

I always do that, get too friendly with people I am supposed to work with and end up in situations like that.

Whether it's a nanny, or a childminder, or a friend, then you should be deciding between you what is the best course of action for your child. 9 months is a classic age for being clingy when away from parents, so that is not surprising.

The nanny spoke to you like that?! I'm
a cm so different but would never send a text like that!

I am such a coward. I hate conflict. But I don't want to express (and I don't think it's the CM's place to order me to) and DD needs her sleep in the morning. So really, it's take it or else I will have to find someone else. But I am incapable of saying this to her in a straight manner. Must grow a backbone.

Sorry, she is a CM not a nanny. She also looks after a little girl who is 1 and a boy who is 2. The girl is also quite demanding.

Then text her back:

"No, I am not expressing milk for DD as she does not need it, and her morning nap will continue as scheduled."

I'm a CM, and I wouldn't think it my place to order you to express milk or to tell you not to let your child nap!

I wasn't clear in my OP. She doesn't take a bottle at home. She is BF. But she does accept a bottle at the CM. I didn't answer her text, so she textyed back saying "Did you get my yext?". I ahve just answered "Was taking the other 2 to school. DD sleeping as she needed it. See you at 11".
I am now super anxious as am prepared for her being pissed off.
I think she doesn't like the fact that I am still BFing so everything that goes "wrong" is because of that.

Sorry. Loads of typos.

I think you should find another childminder. You are the parent. It really isn't her place to talk to you like that

Damn it.
She is otherwise perfect. Lovely house and amazing garden. Always outside when the weather is good. Doing crafts and games etc...

It depends whether she meant it as a suggestion, or an instruction? Have a chat and see if you can work around it. If not, you will need to find someone else.

Thanks HSMM. Spoke to DH and trying to de-dramatise. Will see at 11.
Sadly, pretty sure it was an instruction.

Plus this is your third child. You really do know what you're doing now and she needs to respect that

You may not have liked the text/tone whatever, but you have to work together. It's fine saying 'she does this at home' but she's not at home! At home she is breastfed at the CMs she isn't. You have to work out what is best for DD between you or your lovely CM wont be able to continue looking after her .

Understood Chipping, but what am I supposed to do when she is quite happy to play on her own at home? And she goes to sleep unaided at home?
CM has focussed on BF as a scapegoat but it might have nothing to do with it.

I think it's fair enough for the CM to make suggestions if she thinks it will help DD to settle in but if you don't agree with them then she should accept that and drop the issue.

PES - what are you supposed to do? Not a lot really, just understand that DD is in a different environment, so she wont automatically do the things she does at home. She may want to be held a lot, she may not want to take the formula, she may not be able to settle herself at the CM's - she isn't at home, with you, in familiar surroundings. You just need to support the CM, believe that she's having a few difficulties and do whatever you can to help.

CM has focussed on BF as a scapegoat - no she hasn't, this is a huge difference in your DD's day/routine and you need to find a way to minimise the impact.

You could try shorter naps in the mornings (though this might make her worse not better - but it's worth a go), you could try expressing, you could try not BF at the time she's at the CM's on the days she isn't at the CM's. You could try giving her some formula at home at the time you would expect her to have it at the CM's. Anything you can think of really to make it better for DD and in turn better for the CM - who is not a nanny and cannot totally focus on your DD when she has other children too.

It is just a small patch you have to get through - then your DD can benefit from the other fab things your CM provides. I would not be ditching a FAB CM over this.

I kind of agree with both you and Chipping here. For whatever reason your DC is behaving in a way the CM is finding difficult and probably frustrating as she hears from you how different she is at home. The problem seems to be that she has focussed on one thing and believes she has a strategy going and you don't believe that's in the best interests of your DC.

I think you boh need to sit down and talk through exactly what's happening, why you think it is and what you are BOTH going to do about it. It needs to be a collaboration.

Some very good suggestions from Chipping.

If she's a childminder then 2 naps a day may not fit with her routine but your dc will adapt to fit, could she do activities etc half the day then nap the other, we tend to go out in the morning then home for lunch then nap then school.

Sorry South, but DD is 9 month old and needs 2 naps a day. It is essential.

Chipping, I agree that it's a small patch and we just have to ride through it. I don't want to ditch her and I am aware it's not easy for her. We just had a talk and she feels down as she feels she is not dealing well with the whole situation.
DD is being very clingy, and she feels she can't do anything else but look after her, which must be very stressful.

In my experience, less sleep = less sleep. But I will make sure she doesn't overdo it in the morning now. But no, I will not express, or BF her less, or give her formula. Why would BF be the problem when she takes a bottle with no problems and goes to sleep easily with DH or my mum.

DD has just started crawling, is teething (just had the first 2 and the others are bothering her), she is spot on in the middle of the separation anxiety stage, so there might be many factors at stake.

I want to help and make it easier for CM and for DD, obviously, but I do not want to express (I do not have time, I have done it for months for the other 2 and it was very hard and tedious for very little results), and I do not want to BF less.

I'm confused....why does she not want her to have her morning nap, surely that would make her more whingy and clingy not less?

OP, I'm inclined to agree with you that the breastfeeding concerns are unfounded and this is typical seperation anxiety. BUT in the interests of making your CM feel that you are listening to her and are willing to work with her how about giving expressing a go in the short term? I hated expressing and found it tedious but if you even just grit your teeth and supply her with a couple of bottles you will be able to a) silence this argument once and for all and b) help your CM feel as if you're working with her.

How about supplying a sling for your CM? And maybe a duplicate of the playmat she loves to use at your house?

I completely understand that your BF relationship with your DD is your business and yours alone. That's always the way I felt about it. Still, if she does normally BF during her CM hours, it could be making her feel unsettled. Could you acknowledge that to the CM whilst simulaneously helping her find non-BF-related solutions? I ask because my bottle-refusing DD started nursery at 9 months and I was so worried about her missing breastfeeds that we cut down to morning and evening only (except for during illness). She was still, of course, unsettled and clingy at nursery. BUT I had the advantage of KNOWING that she could go all day without breastfeeding, so I also knew that she was unsettled because she was away from home, not because she was away from milk. In the end, she just settled. She bonded with the staff and started to enjoy the nursery routine. How long has your DD been going there? Does she have a rough feeding routine during the day? Could she be getting hungry because the CM is providing bottles at times different from when she usually feeds at home? (One of the things DD most loved about nursery was knowing that her next meal was only just around the corner - I think they like to keep them well fed!)

I have told her I can come and pick DD up whenever she feels she can't cope anymore. I am lucky enough in that I work from home so most days, I can do that.

Thanks for understanding WheresBVinick and LingDiLong, it's exactly it. My BF relationship is my and DD's business alone. I am lucky enough that this is DC3 and I am confident enough now that nothing will spoil it for us.

I did express for hours for DC1 and DC2 and I had very low supply so nothing would come. I really have a bad relationship with the pump.

However the CM is fab and I think she is getting stressed as she feels she can't cope. She hasn't BF herself and knows very little about it, and she has admitted that she thinks BF babies are harder to look after.
I just don't want her to dictate to me how I interact with DD. Her text from this morning was bad form, but I now understand that it was stress and not arrogance.