Didn't know whether to post here or in Mental Health

[newnameme]

Work as a nanny for several families. If you know me PLEASE don't out me as it's a really sensitive subject. Thankyou.

This week a 6 year old boy I care for was told to describe their nanny. He said "Big, fat girl". He said this in front of his Mum & she promptly changed the subject while I pretended not to hear.

The following day a 6 year old for the other family whispered to her Mum "You're big but not as fat as 'nanny'". The Mum replied "Thankyou" in a flattered way & looked at her daughter in an adoring "You're so lovely" way.

I am undergoing treatment & have sought physchological help but my employers don't know this. For them both to have just more or less ok'd what their children said has upset me. Yes they may have been embarrassed however I didn't have the strength to discuss the situations & I still don't. Now feels like I'm just expected to be spoken about like that.

I am beyond fragile on this topic & it has crushed me. I can't stop crying.

Poor you, I think you need to speak to the parents of both children and tell them it is rude and unacceptable. I bet they would not let their children say "a black girl" or "your not as Black as nanny" so why gloss over their rudness on your size.

Hope you feel better about yourself soon x

Well they don't sound like terribly nice people. The child should have been put in their place. The parents clearly aren't respectful enough to show you that they care about your feelings. However if you are boy's nanny, you are also responsible for how he behaves and you should have made it clear to him that rudeness isn't funny or acceptable. No one else is going to care about this issue as much as you, it's really not the end of the world - kids say all sorts of nasty things and if you're caring for them, your main concern should be for them, not your own feelings. In your place I would get more upset that a child whose behaviour I was responsible for should say these things about anybody... not that it was me that it was said about. You need thicker skin.

Sometimes its easier to ignore a childs comment than make a deal out of it

Children just say throw away comments of observation and if you pick up on it and chat about it the subject could go on for weeks where if you ignore it, it may never get menioned again

Discuss it with the child's parents, it is unacceptable from a six year old. As mop said that is ok with children under five but a six year old, it starts with a comment and may lead on to harsher comments in the future. Probably not but it shouldn't be ignored, needs to be handled carefully but it needs to be addressed.

I think it would have been a very difficult situation for the parents and they probably took their cue on how to deal with it from you. So if you were looking upset/embarassed and not mentioning it, you can see why they thought the best thing to do was to move on as quickly as possible. Hopefully, they spoke to their child later, after you'd gone.

I think it's important to remember that at 6 they're not always clear on what is acceptable to say and what isn't. If you think about it, it is quite confusing because it's fine to say some is tall/short, or someone has long hair/short hair. It's even fine to say someone is slim/thin/skinny, but 'fat' ot 'big' is a no-no. It's fine to say someone has 'big eyes' or 'long legs', but if you say X has a 'big nose' that's offensive. At 6 they're all just descriptions.

I do understand why you're upset, but I think it's just part and parcel of woprking with children.

Rabid why is 'black' an offensive description? If someone is black, it is not offensive to describe them as such.

Yes, I'd like to echo what the last post said about it being descriptive to a 6 year old. They might be expected to understand some basics of politeness but it's a minefield, even some adults struggle.

Having said that, I was obese as a kid (size 26 at 15) & had massive issues with food in my early 20s and I know how early the seeds of what is shameful or wrong are sown.

It's so so hard to know how I would handle this, but I want to offer the OP lots of support. It's hard to know whether the first kid was just using it as a description (as when I was overweight, it WAS the first thing people noticed) but I would have more of an issue with the attitude of the second family. If the mother is thanking her daughter for the "praise" of not being as heavy as the OP, that's just a disgusting attitude to have. It undermines & is hurtful to the nanny, says a lot about the mother's priorities and tells the little girl that only thin bodies are worthy of approval. I am UGH at it and it would make me very angry. The first one you could maybe brush off as a child being insensitive & actually non judgmental, as he wasn't attaching positive or negative to what he saw as a description, but the second family are using it to compare who's "better" and it turns my stomach.

I thought long and hard about working with kids with my baggage but it's pretty far in the past & I find I don't have any issues with food as everyone needs it & I understand nutrition fairly well. I've had a couple of kids comment on my figure - one stuck his finger into all my loose skin rolls & said "Oh C, you're so squishy & wobbly!" but then he pressed his face in for a massive cuddle so please try & remember that they're not always saying that they see it as a bad thing. They haven't been taught as much as we have about the "value" we place on appearance. I'm always vigilant, looking after girls, to praise their achievements, manners, good behaviour, thoughtfulness or kindness, ANYTHING rather than calling them "beautiful" or "gorgeous" as a compliment (I do use them, just in balance with all the other qualities that rounded human beings have!).

I'm so sorry this happened when you need support instead of more judgment. I hope it all goes well. Feel free to DM me if you want a rant.

I really feel for you. Years ago when I first started working with children a child said my teeth were like Nanny McPhee's! I can laugh now but at the time I was in an extremely stressful job and was going through a very rocky patch with my partner. Looking back I think if things hadn't changed I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Anyway, at the time I cried and cried at this comment. But now i am enjoying work (still with children but different role and setting) I can look at it more objectively. The child was lovely, it was a real pleasure to have her and she is one of those that I still think about occasionally. The parent was present when this comment was made and the difference was that she was obviously embarrassed but dealt with it really well.

I think you need to be really brave and just bring up in conversation that you're feeling a bit rubbish about your weight. Hopefully this will make them realise how hurtful adult reactions to their child's hopefully innocent comments are. With any luck it will stop the adults making hurtful and stupid comments about you.

I actually wouldn't mention it to the parents. They're likely to think you are just being over-sensitive and will think it's strange you are brining it up with them. Don't show weakness... if you think they won't be supportive, then you will only feel worse if you tell them.

I'm a nanny employer and I want to smack that smug woman's face on your behalf.

I would have gone mentalist with the children. I'm afraid I would have had to address it in some way in front of you at least to say: we don't discuss how anyone looks. i would have thought of a way to let you know we didn't think it was acceptable. the woman who said 'thank you' is getting of very very lightly here.

And in private the children would have been in A LOT of trouble.

I'm afraid I would have ignored it as well. The other day my six year old described someone as having black curly hair, big glasses and a big tummy and that was exactly what she looked like.

Whilst I would tell a child it's not polite to call someone fat to their face, I didn't think it was an unreasonable description for a child.

I know it's not very pc, but if your size does make you unhappy you can do something about it. It will take a lot of hard work, but you can do it. One of the ladies at school has slimmed down from a size 22 to a 14 in the last year, just by doing weigh watchers online. No fancy gyms, either.

I'm sorry that you feel so upset about this. I have worked as a nanny and have had to put up with a lot worse from a much older child who literally bullied me. As soon as I completely showed no reaction to it she changed! The mother also brushed over the topic which was hurtful but to be honest I think she was embarrassed.

However it does sound like you need to work on your self esteem a bit. Could you take some time off? Are you having counselling? Without focussing on your weight join a gym or go to an exercise class. It is a real mood lifter and you will lose weight in the long run. Good luck. xx