Not sure what kind of help I need

[Minimeee]

Hi everyone

Could do with a bit of advice. Am in a bit of a tough situation - husband is very ill with cancer and prognosis is awful. He's currently in and out of hospital but not sure what the next few months will bring and how much care he'll need from me. I also have 2 kids - dd is 3.5 and has autism, we are running an in-home/ nursery based therapy programme so she has tutors with her 3 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. Ds is 14 months and spends a lot of time with a fantastic childminder/ friend across the road who is willing to take him whenever I need during the day - currently he spends about half the day there so I can run back and forth from hospital.

Saw a counsellor / advisor from the hospice yesterday and she was fairly blunt with me about how life is likely to get tougher, I will need more help and also seemed concerned that with ds being "farmed off" out of the house there's a danger he'll start to feel estranged from the family. She was strongly recommending I get an au pair but I'm not keen on having a new person in the house with all the stress going on (..with the right person could be wonderful, but more likely to be a disaster??) and with dd's tutors around as well won't exactly be a restful house if dh gets to come home.

Was wondering if anyone has any advice on alternatives? If I keep childminder on for ds then flash points are lunchtimes, the 5-7.30pm dinner/ bath/ bed stretch and Sundays. Would these sorts of hours mean a mother's help/ part time nanny? Are they easy to find?! Am I being overly cautious about an au pair?

Any advice/ thoughts gratefully received! Thanks

Hi, I am very sorry to hear about your husband, I can't imagine what you all must be going through.

I am guessing not but is there no family who could live in with you to help over this difficult time? Or could the childminder watch the children at your house rather than at their house - it would mean your ds was with someone they were already close to.

As for finding a part time nanny if you contact local nanny agencies they should listen to your needs and find someone suitable for you.

As a nanny myself I have found some Aupairs brilliant but some can be very young and I think in your sitiation you would need someone sensitive and experienced.

I hope this has been slighly helpful and Good Luck.

I would not have an au pair either. As a family you need space do a live out nanny who is prepared to pick up the slack if you need it is probably the best way to go.

I'm do sorry to hear about your husband and I think you're being very strong and sensible to ask for advice.

Hi.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

What area are you from if you dont mind me asking?

Thank you.

Mini can I be extremely blunt and say I don't think your counsellor knows what she's talking about? A loving CM who is very nearby to you and a grown adult who is reponsive to your needs and understanding of the incredible demands you are facing is JUST what you need at the moment.

FGS not someone else's teen in the house. I don't think she knows what she is talking about, maybe she thinks an au pair is the same thing as a nanny. But they are not. I say this as someone on their third AP. They often need a lot of support from their host families - the socialising with other young people, language school, enjoying England is a big part of why they come over and the last thing you need is figuring out how to integrate them into your home with everything else going on. Please - knock this idea on the head.

My DD is 3.5 and a half and she is in the school nursery all day because that's how the school operats. She's not being 'farmed out' and your DS is not going to become 'estranged from the family' by spending time with your CM.

Figure out what specific help you need around the house - maybe a cleaner, etc? and then go from there.

Thanks everyone. Sounds like you all know what you are talking about re: au pairs..

I spoke to a few nanny agencies today and they are saying £450 a week for the hours I think I'd need, I'd pay it if I thought it was the perfect solution but feels very extravagant given I'm hoping that when I'm able to I'd still be mucking in with the kids (at least for cuddles!) while she's there.

Has anyone tried any other solutions e.g. live in mother's help??

Am gutted, dh may be allowed out of hospital tomorrow but dd has picked up tummy bug and ds has chesty cough so he won't be able to come back here :(

SWEETY we are in N Surrey.

Thanks again all for the advice

I am totally with Ladyharrietdespook! I have been trying to write what she did for two days!!! I was too angry to write sensibly

I hate the thought that you felt you were "farming out" your child - lots of children got to childcare and routine and stability is what they need and I can't think of another situation where children need it more! If you are happy with your childcare then don't change it. Think of other things you could get help with?

Hope you find a good option that suits you all.