Child I nanny for suddenly doesn't like me at all.

[TinOfTigerFood]

The child I nanny for has suddenly turned against me, whenever I enter the house she shouts 'NOOO and pushes me out the door, she is nearly three and I have been with the family since she was 9 months old, it's quite heart-breaking when she does it, not to mention embarrassing and has started to kind of attack my confidence, though I try to rationalise it and think,
'well I just represent the time of day where she isn't with her mum and dad so there's a negative association.

I am really fun and playful with her, we have enjoyed a great bond, I haven't changed the way I look after her, I play all day long am very gentle and cheerful with her, I don't know what to do. I can't make her like me but I'm at the stage where I dread going into work.

When I try to change her nappy, make a transition in the activities she screams out 'NOOO and hits me/pulls my hair, so her parents rush in to the room from their office and fuss over her, causing me to feel dis empowered and like I'm not in control of my working day.

The only thing that has changed is that for the first time in her life, the parents have recently bought a TV, which she is addicted to, constantly watching it, if I try to turn it off or distract her away from it she screams and has a crying fit, every time the parents come in the room I'm stuck in front of the TV with her. Which makes me look bad to them but they would be cross with me if I did just turn it off and let her cry.

The parents say that she ispicking up on my stress levels and reacting to them or that their child is fighting a cold theres always an excuse and not much support for me.

Any ideas?

How awful. I feel for you. It sounds like you need to present a united front with the parents, ditch the TV except at agreed times of the day. It may be that you need to put up with the odd tantrum for a bit but really, it sounds like the little lady is ruling the roost and both you and the parents are tiptoeing round everything. Sit down with the parents and work out a way forward - you will all need to buy into what is to be done. Don't let it get you down - although I can imagine how it must knock your confidence. Your confidence will quickly return once the parents are on side and you have a way forward. Get her out of the house and away from the TV!

Good luck with it all. Stand firm.

No ideas, but the parents don't sound at all helpful.

Can you take her to the swings / park / library so you're a) away from the telly and b) away from the parents, and try and re-build the relationship from there.

You're right though in the thought that you represent being taken away from time with her mummy/daddy, and it's very, very unlikely to be you per se.

She refuses to leave the house, get her shoes on, get in the car, we used to do things like that every day but now she just stays in one room all day which can be very wearing when Im there for ten hours

Hold on a minute - as I said in my post, you've got to ALL do something about this! Sit down ASAP with the parents. Come up with a game plan. She CANNOT sit in her room all day having a bolsh aged 3! If the parents do see that there is a prob, I'd look for a new post in your shoes because you're not going to break this cycle of behavious without their buy-in.

OOPs- fat fingered moment - If the parents do NOT see that there is a prob, i'd look for a new post....

Do they interfere if you force the issue of going out for a while? My ds had a phase of this. We now get him to earn tv time and getting ready to go out is one of the requirements.

It sounds like she has just realised she can control things and is manipulating the parent/nanny option.

her parents rush in to the room from their office and fuss over her
How long has that been going on? Since she was 9 months, or is that a recent development?

TV can be a big magnet. It's been nice at my work over the past couple of weeks because the TV has not worked. Once it's working again, then I expect it may become a battle ground.

I agree with CarrotsandCelery, sounds like she's learnt that she can control things and she is winning the vast majority of the time. Whilst there are times when things can be determined by the child, those times are not that often and it can leave the child insecure if they get too much choice. Children like boundaries really, they like structure/routine. Sure they may protest quite a lot but with a routine they know what is coming next. At the moment it does not sound as if she knows what will be happening that day. Could you implement some kind of a timetable, so you have a structure to your day? That may help her feel more secure and know what is coming next and that going out does not mean she won't be back home again to watch ScoobyDoo (or whatever her favourite TV prog is).

This is why I like sole charge, I feel for you so much what a long day for you. She is playing you all as children do. I think you should just be firm and pretend the parents are not there.

Yes, I need to make sure that we are a united front, these parents think that anything their child does there is some kind of under lying reason for and they will contradict me so thanks for highlighting the problem.
She seems to be noticing a gap in our communication and is exploiting it, making herself unhappy in the proses.
I think I'd rather just leave than have to talk to the parents about this as they're very set in their ways and wouldn't take kindly to any of my suggestions.
hmm, lots to think about thank you for reminding me it's nothing personal.

Good luck tiger food, I am sure there will be a nicer job somewhere, this sounds a nightmare.

Hi Tiger

I had this exact situation happen to me last year. I tried to talk to the parents but they were so dominated by the child it was just impossible to get anywhere.

In fact mum told me to give her what she wanted as she was not to have the inevitable tamtrum! As she didn't like her to be upset. So we had constant cbbies.

It got to the point like you said that when I arrived she tried to push me out threw tantrums and hit me . This was really embarassing and very upsetting to me.

To preserve my sanity I left the job.

Life is too short.

Hope you work out what is right for you.

Thanks catmadcaz I'm glad I am not the only one... unfortunately I think leaving might be my only option too, which is a shame as it's been so good up to now.

Did they get annoyed that you left them/ give you a good reference?
How did you find an excuse to leave?

I'm just a mum not nanny but my son started being very negative and controlling like this at 3, with his grandmother who looks after him one day and to a lesser extent with his nanny. It seemed to me he was trying to take control of his relationships, and making a big fuss that mummy must get his breakfast not nanny, etc.

I think you need to lay down the law - no tv during your hours or only at end of day and get her out and about so she can't play her parents against you. They should not play her games but sounds like they are.

You said she refuses to go out but I think you need to force her basically. My son also pulls this yet always ends up enjoying being out.

Seems a shame to leave if you've had a good bond until now.

If u havnt got sensible parents u r screwed! Feel sad for the child as spoilt children are never happy but u can only do so much.

Tell parents unless things change, basically they stop interfering and actually start parenting their brat ( obviously not those exact words) the. You are leaving.

Good luck

It's not the fact the 3yr doesn't like you - just that she doesn't like the fact she is told what to do

Problem is - is that without the parents back up NO NANNY job will work

She needs a firm no and to be told who is boss - some may think this is too blunt but she's a child who needs to learn About respect and doing as she is told

Good luck coz you are going to need it :)

And 100% ditto the body :)

My child and nanny have experienced this first hand. It can happen to the father of child too.

It is totally tied in with separation anxiety. It was a very stressful time, and both father and nanny have been hit at different t phases of it (daughter is 3) but now it is gone and all is perfect again, amazing, so glad we got through it. Whatever you do, the nanny must not act hurt in front of the child, it's not personal.

How we cured/got through it-

1. Limit the nanny time with child, or even take a break for a while.
2. Make sure the nanny brings over a craft or new activity/toy to distract, the child, turning up is usually the worst time for rejection.
3. Don't take it personally or have the nanny reject child emotionally.
4. IF HITTING Explain there are better ways to deal with their anger, say if you feel angry, ask them to think of what they should do instead of hitting. (sometimes hitting a cushion can help some) So for us it was to tell the nanny you want them to go away this helps them know what to do instead of hitting and validates feelings. At the time we didnt know it was Seperation Anxiety so took us a while to get there.
5. We had nanny come over a few times a week for tiny periods for couple of weeks and a weeks break too, within a month they were playing happily as if nothing ever happened. Ended up child was spending too much time at new nursery AND with nanny and now she just with nanny and starting preschool soon, then we will limit nanny hours, such a thing as overload for small brains. :)

Hope this helps anyone :)

Just think..."This too shall pass."

Unless the parents can support you in presenting a united front then you won't be able to get the relationship back on track. Screen time can cause all sorts of problems, coupled with parents running out every time she tantrums. Try not to take it personally and perhaps have a look at other jobs locally.

As a side note, I would never tolerate a parent telling their child they could tell the nanny to go away instead of hitting them. Whatever the issue is I would expect parents to support the nanny in not being hit or spoken to in that way.