Au pair issue - HELP. I really don't know what to do.

[FrozenNorthPole]

Will try to keep this brief. Au pair's boyfriend arrived on our doorstep two weeks ago unexpectedly as a surprise to her. He stayed for 3 nights, was v nice. Whilst here he proposed to her, she accepted - very happy etc. and shared a bottle of champagne with us. He then told us that she wanted to give notice and move in with him. No problems - we agreed to abide by notice period in the contract, he headed back off abroad and we got on with the last few weeks.

Have started hunt for new au pair via the English language course at our local college, which current and previous au pair attended. Have consequently been informed (by our previous au pair, who still attends the college and keeps in touch with us) that our current au pair has told the college that we had been mistreating her , so she is leaving the course. She is also telling prospective applicants for the post not to apply. Don't really know what to think - am trying not to be hurt or angry but it is very galling to hear this and not to be able to defend ourselves. She has seemed quiet but happy, has a group of friends with whom she goes out a lot, and spent Christmas with us. She has never complained about her workload and, if anything, we've let an absence of cleaning slide because she got on well with the children. Needless to say, we don't mistreat her. I am not quite sure how she could perceive mistreatment - I'm wracking my brain but other than being a bit untidy, and relatively quiet people ourselves, I can't think that we're massively hard to live with.

I am not sure I can make myself behave normally tonight when I see her. Previous au pair has asked me not to mention it to her but ... how? As far as I can see, this might be gross misconduct. Do I just leave it, let her work out her notice and then cheerily wave her goodbye? Do I try to do something to address this? Do I ask her to take tonight off so I can talk to OH about this? I know he will be furious.

Help

How mysterious. You sound lovely - she may be trying to avoid having to pay back college bills, by proving that she has to leave because of your treatment of her . . . .

So, could you go to the college and confirm whether the fees issue is the case? If it is, then you make it clear at the college that she is leaving to get married, and has no raised no complaints against you etc etc. You could also offer to talk to her with a neutral person from the college there to support her if she needs it . . . . that should allow her to 'put up or shut up'.

Either way, you may need to seek an au pair from elsewhere. What she has said may or may not have influenced others at the college, but even if it has, she will be leaving soon and there will be other new applicants arriving.

Up to you whether you leave it or address it with this her. I would be uncomfortable having someone in my home who has complained about me mistreating her, but it a) depends how much you want to overlook that in order to buy yourself time, whilst looking for an alternative and b) depends upon whether you want to clear your name, or go for the quiet-life option!

I would sit down and say that you've been having trouble finding candidates, can she suggest why this might be and suggest that you'll be approaching the college.

Either way you will almost certainly need to look elsewhere for a replacement and I suggest giving contact details for your previous AP instead of the current one.

If it was me, her bags would be packed ready for her!

Too bizarre. It's upsetting when you think you know someone and then suddenly you feel like you don't...esp when they are living in your home.

So, her boyfriend told you she wanted to give notice? Or was that a typo. Just out of interest.

Does she speak English very well?

How did your former au pair bring it up? I'm wondering if there's any chance of Chinese whispers here.

It may well be that your current AP is trying to get a refund from her course. But if I were you I would break the cycle of recruiting from this pool of people and go elsewhere, even if it's an urgent Gumtree ad.

If someone did that to me, they would not be living in my house, regardless of whether they are leaving anyway shortly. And the only way to find out what she's really doing, is to ask her. So I would confront her with exactly what you've heard (not disclosing the source). Perhaps with your DH and also she can bring a friend, so it's not 2 against 1. Keep your mind open - maybe there is really a grievance and if so this may be a learning experience for you. But I would remove her now if she is really making groundless accusations.

Frozen - how horrible. I would have a chat to her. Tell her you've been speaking to the college & that there seem to be some bad stories going about. See how she reacts.

Really, really doesn't sound like it is you - so don't beat yourself up. There is something else going on here - either with the current au apair or the old one & you need to have a chat to get to the bottom of it.

I know you are upset but I would keep an open mind when you have the discussion with her and just try to get to the bottom of it - SHerlock HOlmes it. I think Bugsy is right.

Thank you so much for your responses - there's definitely comfort in knowing that others would be confused / hurt given the circumstances. Reading your replies has definitely helped me think more clearly about it and try to behave in an adult and considered way. You're absolutely right that I need to keep an open mind.

I think I need to decide what I want to achieve out of the situation now. At a minimum, I would like her to a) stop saying these things if they are groundless and b) tell me if something is genuinely wrong so I can help try to make it a little better before she leaves. You're right that I may also just need to look entirely beyond the college for a new candidate - I think I'd wonder all the time what our current au pair had said to someone who came from the same setting.

I think we were spoiled by our previous au pair - she left for a different job after 18 months but remains in the local area and comes round for dinner frequently, takes our dog for a walk whenever she fancies etc. I find it hard to believe she'd lie about this but I must face it as a possibility.

Another hurdle is that if we recruit another au pair from au pair world etc. she/he's probably going to want to attend that very same local college for English classes, and potentially hear bad things too. Blimey, this is a bit of a mess.

Frozen you never know it could be that it's not that your ex AP is lying to you but that SHE heard it from someone, who heard it from someone, etc. And then felt obliged to tell you about it. That's why I was wondering about the circumstances, how it came up, exactly what the ex AP said.

Grown adults do this - this could be akin to a school playground rumor mill situation that has gotten out of hand.

You poor thing frozen. I personally couldn't let it slide, id want to have it out with her, especially as you've always been on friendly terms. Not sure if that is the sensible thing to do though.

I'd also be wary (6 au pairs later!!!) about taking what your previous au pair said as gospel. It doesn't sound as though she would lie to you, but the possibility for misunderstanding between youngish people who all speak different languages is huge.

Also whatever has happened - don't worry about it too much - with regard to the local language school. The classes are so transitory and as far as I can tell au pair age people are much, much more interested in who is dating / shagging who (well, aren't we all) than in what their families do - unless it is really exceptional news.

Ah, a kind of Chinese whispers? That actually makes a lot of sense, and also explains why the things I've heard have been dreadfully non-specific. And it must have come via a few people, as I know very well that current au pair definitely wouldn't say negative things directly to previous au pair.

I had one AP go down my local pub and moan that we weren't paying minimum wage and were making her eat poisoned food (= cheddar cheese the day after sell-by) and wouldn't put heating up (um, to 27 degrees which was her requested temperature for thermostats round the house). We were also (allegedly) cruel to our kids and lazy parents

Um, well, last one might be a fair cop

In the end she was just lonely and miserable and discovered that scandalous gossip made her the centre of attention.

We now have (rather ridiculously) a non-gossip clause which states that malicious gossip = gross misconduct = instant dismissal without notice.

I'd ask her outright if she has said anything negative about you to others and see what her reaction is.

How did you get on FNP?

I would have it out with her and also speak to the college to tell them that she is leaving to get married and that you are concerned, having tried hard to make her feel comfortable, treat her fairly etc, to hear that she has been saying negative things about you and would find it helpful to have an "exit interview" with the AP and someone from the college.