Childcare for a 7-month-old who hates strangers!

[tribpot]

Hi all,

I'm reluctantly coming to the conclusion that I need some formal childcare for ds. Our intention before he was born was that dh would be a full-time SAHD and I would return to work full-time. Dh is chronically ill (he has fibromyalgia) and is steadily getting worse as the pain team are weaning him off one of his very strong painkillers. Ultimately this should make him feel better but I am reaching the conclusion he is unlikely ever to be well enough to take care of ds full-time.

At the moment I work part-time, mostly from home (and in fact I reckon am working closer to full-time in sort of mad hours here and there). So we are trying to survive financially on one part-time salary, plus income from our flat (we rent a house in Leeds, flat is in Suffolk and so far hasn't been let, so basically living on savings).

My major problem, I think, is that ds just doesn't like strangers or strange places. He is a completely different little boy whenever we are out of the house or whenever there is someone here he doesn't know. I cannot bear the idea of putting him in nursery and knowing that he may be bitterly unhappy there. I know he would get used to it in the end but it breaks my heart to think of it.

Ideally I would like him to be cared for here in his own home, although any type of childcarer might find it a bit weird that dh was here all day as well? But even on my full-time salary a nanny would be so expensive there would be no point going to work.

Any suggestions gratefully received.

You could use a childminder but see if she would mind if you go with ds for a couple of hours each time for the first few sessions until he gets to know her and then leave him on his own there for short periods of time getting longer each time iyswim might take a while or he could suprise you and be ok quite quickly the only way of knowing is to try it and you'll be no worse off than you are now.

it sounds like you would prefer him to be in a homebased setting which you would get with a childminder but not a nursery, he will also get one carer instead of a few and childminders can be very flexible with hours.

You could maybe get a mother's help? Or someone training to be a nanny? As they wouldn't generally be in sole charge, that might work?

Alternatively, nannies who bring their own kids with them to work are often cheaper than regular nannies.

Where abouts in Leeds are you Tribpot. Im currently going through process of getting registered as CM.

I have a minded baby who was settled in over a long period of time before she started "officially" when the mum returned to work. She was extremely distressed about being away from her mum or unfamiliar surroundings. She visited with her mum a few times initially, but didn't like me holding her or anything! She only came on her own for an hour a couple of times a week (yes, lots of people said she should have come for longer but, believe me, neither the baby or the mum would have dealt with it being any longer). She built up her hours very very gradually and, obviously, has now settled in beautifully. She has become very sociable and is happy to be out and about when we go to toddler group etc.

I wouldn't opt for a nursery, purely because he probably needs more one-to-one to settle him (at least initially) - I don't have enough experience of nurseries to know if this would happen? If you had a nanny/mother's help, you would have to think about how you'd deal with your ds if dh there (because your ds would want him, not an alternative carer?)

Being a childminder, I'd obviously opt for a minder!! You could contact a few and just sound them out.

Isyhan, we're in north Leeds, not far from the airport. Whereabouts are you?

Thanks for the thoughts so far. I can see the problem of having someone take care of ds here at home, on the other hand that would give the most comfort in terms of knowing he is being properly looked after - not suggesting you CMs and nursery workers aren't competent, but the only person I trust 100% with ds is dh, and he managed to let him fall off the bed this week! (Not that I think that would never happen to me, am not superwoman).

I worry that in a CM or mother's help situation he might get too attached to another person - both for my sake and his! Basically I think I need to be able to clone myself so one of me can stay at home with him and the other go out to work.

Tribpot - Im in Oakwood. I dont think Im going to be registered until May as im having kitchen extension but will give you my details anyway if you still need someone at that time.
I understand your feelings though but I think once you've spoken to a few CM's you may feel differently.

Even if your ds becomes attached to a carer in no way detracts from the fact that you are his mum and dad. No matter how many hours a child may have spent in my care during the day, they love it when mum or dad arrive (and play up accordingly, but that's another thread!)

However, perhaps you should investigate the "mother's help" route? Then you might get your ironing done too!

Second what ThePrisoner said about attachment to a carer. It is important that your baby does actually build a close relationship with the person who looks after him for however many hours a week, changing his nappies, feeding him and playing with him. Honestly, it is A Good Thing for him and will help you to feel secure about his care while you are away. (I've used nursery and nanny for ds since he was 7 months, btw).

Thanks again. I do find it slightly hard to deal with, I think because I didn't go to nursery until sort of pre-school age, and in fact my mum was a single parent when my brother and I were little, so the 'model' in my head is that ds should be cared for full-time by a parent. (Obviously not criticising anyone else's choices, just trying to explain my gut reaction).

A mother's help might be good, lord knows there's not much ironing going on here just now! How would I find out about that?

Isyhan, if you would like to CAT me with your details I'd be v grateful.

Just to say that I've worked with children for 10+ years amd have developed close relationships with the children I've nannied for and I can honestly say children NEVER forget who their mummy and daddy are!

I think it is sometimes hard to see past the age and developmental stage a child is at when you are living through it, it can feel like they will always be like that. I still get that and I've looked after hundreds of kids at all stages of development! Your son will become less upset by strangers as the weeks go by.

Bear in mind too that when you and Daddy are there you of course are the only people your ds wants. Babies can be totally different when Mum and Dad are out of sight.

Really hope you can resolve your childcare dilema, and also that your dh's health improves soon.

P&S x