Nanny for ASD DS 2.7 + Maternity Nurse

[dev9aug]

Hi,

This is my first post here. We have 2 DS1(,2.7) and DS2(0.3). DS1 has recently been dx with ASD.
We have decided that we need help to look after DC as I have exhausted my Annual leave and any other leave I could get my hands on.
We are thinking of hiring a maternity nurse to look after DS2 for couple of months and a nanny with SN exp. to look after DS1 and DS2 when he is older. (DW had a broken foot during pregnancy and a CS do still feeling the effects of it.) we currently have a mothers help, she is brilliant with DS's but we need somebody with more experience who is confident on her own.

We are doing an early intervention program for DS1 (ABA) to help him so Nanny would have to follow their advice. The program is play based.
DS1 is a very happy content child. The nanny would have to engage him and help him learn to communicate and play..
There are no behavioural issues, no aggression. We would love to have a live in but don't have enough room, so it will have to be a live out position. (3 bed house, one bathroom on the same floor)

We have used agencies in the past before we knew he had ASD but the candidates were not that great even though the pay was at the top end of the scale.

I have looked at SNAP for SN nanny but there fees are very high, has anybody used them and are they worth it?

We want to get it right this time as the position will be for a few years if we find the right candidate. so am looking for any advice really.
How do I go about it and where is the best place to look for

1. Maternity Nurse ( immediately)
2. Nanny (SN) (6 weeks time)

We are in Reading, Berkshire.

We are desperate at the moment so probably not even thinking straight so if anybody has any better suggestions we will consider it as I am aware that having two people treading on each others toes is probably not ideal.

Thanks for reading this if you have got this far.

How will you cope with a MN if you don't have room for someone to live in? That seems an awful lot of change too. Could the MH not stay to support your DW and pick up the slack round the house while nanny starts in with DS1 and the long term view is that she will have DS2 as well?

I think that using SNAP is worth it of you find a top notch nanny but do you need significant SN experience?

Try advertising privately on nannyjob, childcare.co.uk, netmums and Gumtree for someone with ASD experience and ABA knowledge as well as a maternity nurse - but the latter you may need to think again about exactly how that will work.

If you really need a nanny with ABA experience then I don't see any choice but to use SNAP. Sure you may get lucky advertising on Childcare.co.uk but the chances are not high.
I've done work with children on the spectrum in the past, I'm not specially trained in it. However the key was the relationship between the child and myself. Your current MH knows your son, so that is a great start. Is she totally unsuitable, or could she learn if it were her only duty?

At one point I had a maternity nurse and mother's help simultaneously when my husband went back to work and I had three kids under two to look after.. and no local relatives. The house was spotless, but it was a bit of a nightmare really, I felt like I spent all my time telling people what to do and where to go, and organising meals and duties, whilst trying to bond with my children and enjoy being with them/meet my friends with children. One of my children also had ASD and always got on very well with those who looked after him so I don't think the issue is necessarily how well trained someone is, more just how sympathetic they are to children in general. Ds always got on extremely well with helpers who were kind and understanding and responsive that was the key really, not qualifications. I think you have to think about how you want life to be like in the long term...does your wife want to spend time socializing outside the home with the children or is she planning to work - sometimes the Nanny can end up doing all the fun things. I suppose what you want is someone to help who is intelligent but in so far as your life with the two kids goes you may find that once the baby is a bit older you need a bit less help and perhaps just more general support (cleaning, a nice person to take the slack the child knows really well) The more time you spend with the toddler/baby the easier it becomes to manage in a funny way, as long as there is just that bit of extra help.
It doesn't necessarily need to be fulltime gold plated help. First days are so hard, one doesn't realise it does get better and more relaxed.
Penny dropped for me when I realised I didn't dare watch a video with my kids in case the Nanny disapproved of me doing "nothing", and I was having to think every day for a delicious meal for two adults for lunch...
Some days I was tearing my hair out, and I continued to have patchy help until kids went to primary but don't underestimate the pyschological effort involved in employing someone to do what you can do yourself. It is time consuming to delegate - and I know people who have suffered severe PND despite having maternity nurses, nannies, housekeepers, just the STRAIN of organising everyone.
Maybe I'm unusual in this...
So I would say Keep your lovely mother's help, and get a cleaner too perhaps?

Thanks for ur reply Fraktal. You have put it better than I could. I will try and explain.

I had heard that to have a live-in you need at the very least a bedroom + separate bathroom. We have a spare bedroom so I am hoping that it will be ok with a MN in the short term. We definitely need a MN as lack of sleep is affecting us all.

With regards to the MH, I was being generous. Since the arrival of ds2 she is not coping at all, even though she is only expected to look after one DC at a time and no housework, no cooking at all, just the DC's laundry. So if I found a good MN, as soon as she is settled I will let the MH go with her one months notice period paid off course as DW is more stressed with her around as she can't trust her anymore.

DS1 is an angel to look after so don't really need a nanny with significant SN experience but definitely someone who is on the ball and willing to learn and implement strategies as per programme so we are all consistent. To be honest the nanny would be primarily for DS2 as DS1 would be busy with us and the ABA tutors for most of the day.

I will check out the websites as you suggested. Thanks again.

I can completely relate to your DW being stressed by not quite up to scratch well meaning but ultimately irritating person hanging around house. Definitely don't put up with it. Maternity Nurse does sound like a very good option then, although please don't underestimate how important it is to have time with the baby and for son to see you having time with baby; best maternity nurses will make a real effort to be part of family not take baby away all the time. Sounds like your DW needs someone who can look after her to some extent and not expect constant supervison.
You sound like you are being a very thoughtful husband.
It will get better, sleep deprivation makes everything AWFUL and you will survive - just go easy on yourselves atm. Money can also buy ready meals, cleaners as well as nannies. Your ds1 sounds v sweet btw too.

I have used Eden for maternity nurses and found them very good

Some nannies don't expect a separate bathroom - ours doesn't - so don't discount it.

I see what you mean about the MH. Let her go but what about a postnatal doula rather than a full on maternity nanny and getting a night nanny in if you can't find someone?

I've never used SNAP, but have only ever heard good things about them. It may be worth paying the fee to get the right person in.

If you are wanting a maternity nurse ASAP I would recommend Maternity Solutions and will also be able to guide you in what you are looking for.

Then I would think very carefully of a job description and what you can afford to pay a nanny and then advertise on nanny job, childcare or even gumtree. It does take a bit of effort on your part but seen as there is a surplus of good nannies at the moment you may find someone suitable. Then you can check references/CRB etc.

Any of the mains agencies should be able to help with your search for a nanny as long as your job description is clear. Maybe you'll get lucky and find a nanny with just the right experience for your family.

a maternity nurse will work out cheaper than having a doula and a night nanny.

I found maternity solutions and Eden to be good for maternity nurses

I too have only heard good things about SNAP

Nannynick unfortunately we thought the same when we hired her but she is not really suitable for reasons I mentioned above. It would have been brilliant as DS does get on with her but it is not an option anymore.

Swanthing thank you very much.. I do try
We have not really thought about us too much to be honest. At the moment the priority is to get as much sleep as possible and make sure things are in place to help DS1. Once that is sorted, then we will think about DW going back to work. We were never fussed about qualifications in the first place. The first nanny we hired had the most amazing qualifications ever but DS1 didn't like her at all so we learnt that lesson the hard way, but at the same time we do need someone smart.
I completely understand the stresses involved with managing people who are not up to scratch. Thanks for your kind words. It does help to know others have been through the same and come out if the other side sane..

Fraktal I think we will go with a MN. I will prefer a live-in to be honest so will give that a go.

Thanks Nomorewasabi Joshuasss Holynoshe mrswishywashy Paula for your advice. I will try the agencies you mentioned.

Joshuassss haven't you already been warned by MNHQ about advertising this agency? You can't even get your story straight about whether you have used them or they have been recommended by a neighbour!

I have used SNAP in the past. they were not particularly helpful, and didn't really 'get' what we needed (despite apparently having good knowledge of ABA etc) - we didn't end up hiring thorugh them, as they only sent us thoroughly unsuitable candidates.

our best 'finds' have been through word of mouth, gumtree, nannyjob etc. We found that people coming to us claiming to have good knowledge of SN ended up not wanting to do things our way - having a good working knowledge of SN is good, but we are the experts in our children, not any old person who walks throught he door - flexibility seemed to be lacking in most cases.

good luck with finding someone, it can be very hard, especially with ABA, imo. the level of control/input/detail needed is easily overlooked if you have an easygoing, passive child with ASD. the assumption that it must be ok to subtly alter programmes/routines because there is no (overt, immediate) reaction is, for some, overwhelming it would seem.

having said all that, we have had some brilliant people work with dd1 (and dd2!) over the years, and you can find interested and enthusiastic people for the job.

you could try advertising at the local university psychology department - although obviosuly you wouldn't have someone full time.

maternity nannies we found easier (dd1 was 2.6 when dd2 was born, I also had a CS so needed someone to help out as we were living in a very rural bit of the world then) - we found a few people who got on brilliantly with dd1, and I think because we knew it was only temporary the whole routine/ABA/programe side was not the most important thing at the time.