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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

help - two and a half year old very sad and won't settle with new nanny.

22 replies

sazza1970 · 21/02/2012 22:37

Hello, I just wondered if anyone could advise me as I really don't know what to do. I went back to work six weeks ago after having a year off on maternity leave after the birth of my son (during this year I looked after both children at home). We employed a nanny to look after the kids feeling that it would be best for them to be at home (plus, it was the most cost effective option!). I felt confident that she was the right person as she was experienced and calm. she's been with us six weeks now and my son seems happy, but my daughter's behaviour has got worse and worse. It's got to the point where as soon as teh doorbell rings, my daughter starts crying and saying she doesn't like the nanny, then screams that she wants to go to bed. She goes up to her bedroom and stays up there until mid afternoon, sometimes playing with her toys on her own and reading books, and sometimes crying. When the nanny goes in, she tells her to go away. Eventually she falls asleep and when she wakes up she usually comes downstairs to get something to eat. She refuses to leave the house wtih the nanny, or to participate in activities, even if it's to do something fun. She's clearly missing me, but I have to go to work as does my husband (he nanny works three days a week). Should we try a new nanny? Or should we give it more time? How long does it usually take for a preschooler to settle with a new carer? I can't bear to see how unhappy she is, and the nanny too. If anyone has experience of anything simiar and has any tips, it would be wonderful to hear about it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

historyrepeats · 21/02/2012 22:39

I would listen to your child. Alarm bells - sorry. Give her notice.

beeny · 21/02/2012 22:40

I would trust your instincts and get a new nanny.

Wafflepuss · 21/02/2012 22:44

Your poor dd, she's too young I think to be trying it on for this length of time so if she's still hiding in her room after 6 weeks something really isn't right. I think you need to get a new nanny asap

historyrepeats · 21/02/2012 22:45

Thing is a small child can only tell you so much, the alarm bels are ringing.

PestoPenguin · 21/02/2012 22:48

This is not normal behaviour . I'd give the nanny notice. When you get a new one I'd also see about taking parental leave to be alongside her for a couple of weeks so your DC can get to know the nanny properly before being left alone with them.

BrianTheBrainSurgeon · 21/02/2012 22:51

I would tend to agree with the others. There may be nothing wrong with the nanny as such but there is some sort of a clash there and I wouldn't force my child to put up with it if it's so distressing.
I had a similar experience with DS, I went back to work when he was 10mths and left him with a childminder, he didn't settle and the childminder herself told me they were both miserable so I better find another solution... I was gutted :(

duchesse · 21/02/2012 22:52

Oh my goodness there is something very wrong! I think you should try to find a new nanny who will gel with your 2.5 yo. I don't want to cry wolf but my guess is that your DD is being sent up to her bed a lot by nanny and just wants to pre-empt it by going by herself.

FWIW, I've had 4 au pairs for DD3 since she was born 2.6 years ago. First one was like a second mother to her (helped look after her from 2weeks to 53 weeks of age). Lovely girl, never a single problem.

Second one was VERY unpopular with her- not at all fun, quite severe, and put her in front of cartoons as much as she could get away with. Did not get on with me at all either. DD constantly sought me out instead (I work from home so this was a problem). Also fell out spectaculalry with me but that's a different story.

Third was only here for a month (summer placement) but was dynamic and fun- DD never wanted me when "Pado" was available.

Fourth au pair was like first, a wonderful girl. Again DD3 never sought boring old Mummy out when "Orgia" was available.

What I'm trying to say is, your DD is trying to tell you something, she just doesn't have the words to express it.

eastnorth · 21/02/2012 23:00

Surely a good nanny would be able to coax her out of her room? My son cries when I leave but my nanny soon distract him.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 21/02/2012 23:08

I would also agree that there is a problem with the nanny, however, to be sure I would hire a temp nanny for a week or two and see how it goes. On the whole children do not need a lengthy hand over period and in fact that can make it worse.

HolyNoSheDittantBatman · 21/02/2012 23:20

You need to get a new nanny.

I'm not saying the nanny has done anything to upset your DD, but she is clearly incapable of dealing with your DD's upset. To leave a 2.6 year old upstairs from 8ish (I assume) until mid-afternoon is beyond ridiculous. To allow her to 'refuse' to leave the house is also ridiculous.

When you find a new nanny you need to be honest about how upset your DD had been/may be. A long settling period is probably not ideal, a few days/a week will be fine.

Does your DD have a friend that she enjoys seeing/playing with? A playdate with a friend and friends mother/nanny would be a good idea I think, your DD may feel more comfortable if she has familiar people with her and if she can see the nanny interacting with her friend.

MessNessPess · 22/02/2012 13:12

Agree with the others it is a problem and the nanny needs to go, as a former nanny a nanny cam would be helpful to see how the nanny is in the day with the children.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2012 15:46

A proper caring and professional nanny should be able to coax your dd out - I'm going against the grain here and if all ok with your youngest then your dd may be trying it on and making all this fuss as she has been used to you at home and now you are at work

The same problem may happen again if the above is true

Have you and the nanny discussed the situation - what does she suggest

Octaviapink · 22/02/2012 16:09

Yes, I agree with those who say give notice. A good nanny should be able to form a relationship with a child over a six week period and the amount of time your DD has been spending in her room is awful. If it's just not working out, it's just not working out. How many posts has the nanny had before? What did her referees say when you spoke to them?

surpriseme · 22/02/2012 19:21

Its unusual its carried on for this long at this age.What has the nanny said? Is she concerned? Has she been trying to come up with solutions?
She should be able to coax her out the room. After 6wks I'd expect a bond to be forminng.
I had one job where the youngest was 2.5yrs.The older one(5) took to me immediately but the 2yr old struggled. I only had them 2 mornings a wk. He did sit in his room and cry but it literally lasted 2 mornings(and I'm not talking the whole morning either) and then he was ok. Mainly because I came up with a solution to it(mum was a sahm and she was taking the 5yr old to school then going to gym etc,instead I suggested me and the 2yr old took 5yr old to school so distracts from mum leaving and it worked)
I'm not sure i'd get rid immediately but i'd call a meeting and discuss it and come up with solutions.If its still not solved after a reasonable amount of time I would let her go

Original poster

sazza1970 · 22/02/2012 22:20

Hi all, thank you so much for taking the time to get back to me. Today was slightly better - soft play in the morning (at least they all succeeded in getting out of the house), tears on the way home then off to room and bed - again - but awake at 230 and there was an outing this afternoon. I have talked to the nanny and she is as bewildered as I am. She has had 7 positions before this one and has been nannying for a decade and she's really upset that she has been unable to bond with my daughter. After reading all the posts I've decided to give it another two weeks then think about getting someone else. My daughter can definitely be stubborn and strong willed, it might just take her longer than other children to adjust. An awful new development is night waking when she says she's really scared - was up for three hours with her last night and she's always been such a good sleeper. I know change can trigger this, but I feel like everything I've built up with her is unravelling! If only didn't have to work... thanks again, I appreciate all your replies

OP posts:

Wafflepuss · 22/02/2012 22:34

Really? Another 2 weeks of this for your dd before you'll consider a change of nanny? If she is miserable all day and now waking up afraid at night then surely something is really wrong? Sorry, I'm not trying to make you feel bad and as a working mum I totally understand your position but 2 weeks will feel like eternity to a 2 year old.
7 positions in 10 years means she was rarely with one household longer than 12 months. Most nanny's that I've met seem to have been with the same family for years.

PestoPenguin · 22/02/2012 22:42

7 positions in 10 years would worry me, that's a lot of moving around. Did you check her references?

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/02/2012 22:44

must admit 7 in 10 years is a lot but maybe had good reasons ie family moved/got made redundant etc

i still think maybe your dd is playing up a bit as you have gone back to work

Octaviapink · 23/02/2012 05:54

Seven in ten years is way too many. There can't be that many good reasons. Sorry, but take some holiday and get the nanny gone. A child who's 'playing up' may be able to sustain a pretence for a few days but not this long, and definitely can't force itself to wake up at night terrified.

HolyNoSheDittantBatman · 23/02/2012 12:45

7 jobs in 10 years is a lot, but really nothing to be concerned about. Maybe she likes working with older ones 2+, who only usually need a nanny for a year or so until they go to nursery/school.

The OP's daughter is 2.6, in a year she'll be at nursery and maybe the OP will find a nanny too expensive for one child full time/one part time and switch childcare, it happens.

OP do you think there could be anything in your behaviour that is upsetting your DD? You sound very reluctant to be back at work, maybe she is picking up on your anxiety about leaving? How do you react when she says she doesn't like the nanny? How do you talk about the nanny with her?

sunshinenanny · 25/02/2012 20:04

Six weeks is a long time and an experienced nanny should be able to get your daughter onside I would be worried that the child is left to cry in her room for long periods and the fact that she is so upset makes me wonder if this is working out. I think you need put your child first in this and consider a different nanny.

May I ask if she was clingy or difficult before you went back to work?

Fraktal · 25/02/2012 21:31

I'm afraid I agree with earlier posters and would at least start looking for a new nanny.

I would, however, advise against a nanny cam unless you explain very clearly what you're doing to the nanny. Hidden cameras are a legal minefield.

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