How would you feel about this? - au pair problems

[DizziDoll]

Our AP has been with us for 6 months. She is 29 years old and has slowly worked herself into my life, befriending my friends and peers (the mums of my daughters classmates).

She works 3 full days looking after our 2 year old son and taking our 4 year old daughter to school and picking her up after school. So she has 4 days off to make her own friends.
I confronted her a little while back saying I felt uncomforable with this. Since then she has contintued to befriend more and more of my peers and has kept this from me.

How would you feel about this? Any tips?

So do you think she is phasing you out? You do sound a little paranoid tbh.

I don't really understand what you mean and why you are uncomfortable - can you explain more? It sounds as though your au pair is coming across the people she has befriended through your DCs - which seems to be quite normal to me. Do you like her? Is there some reason why you want her to have separate friends?

You seem to think she has some sinister, underhand motivation behind making friends with your 'peers' (the parents of your DCs' friends and schoolmates, is that what you mean?) Why is that?

Have these other mothers got nannies and Ap's?

Agree with cat.

When you say befriending your friends, do you mean she goes out for drinks, meals, cinema etc leaving you at home with the DC?

If yes, then maybe you need to talk to your friends.

If no, then you are being paranoid.

Would you rather she was a miserable cow Au Pair and snubbed everyone at the school gates?

Perhaps your unreasonable little chat a while back is the reason she no longer mentions.

If she's 29, she's probably around the same age as some of the other mums. They're the people she meets through her work, so makes sense that she makes friends with some of them. Can't see the problem. You don't own your friends, and they're not going to stop being friends with you just because they know her. Probably nice for your DCs too if she gets to know their friends parents - more chances for play dates.

She sounds sociable, popular and liked. It will be of real benefit to your dc to have an ap like this.

Would you rather the reverse situation? Moody and isolated with zero effort.

I like the point you make emsyj and purpleroses about those being the people she meets at work.

So as to the question of whether I like her, I can say that I don't really like her as an Au Pair. She is very forceful saying things like: 'I have arranged for x or y, that's ok isn't it', making it really hard to say 'well actually, that isn't ok' without coming across as petty or unreasonable. She is also not very interested in small children, which she has admitted herself. So she fills her days with coffee mornings and hanging out at the mum's houses and drags my son along. If she had been my colleague at work on the other hand I think I would have liked her a lot. She is sociable, enthusiastic and easy to talk to. I hope that makes sense...

So the other mums being people she has met at work is a good point, although she does put my in very awkward positions by agreing to things before checking them with me or my husband meaning that I am put in a position where I either have to tell her 'no' without knowing how she will then convey this message to the mums, or that I have to go along with something I don't agree with. I also have a lot of mums coming up to me saying how wonderful she is and as she is friends with some of them I feel like I can't really tell them about the issues we are having so I basically smile and shut up.

The school is a very small school so all the mums know each other. She does arrange to meet them for drinks, have dinner together etc. outside of her working hours. I haven't really spoken about this with any of them because they think she is absolutly wonderful and I don't like badmouthing people (outside of the sanctuary of online anymousity of course :).

I also feel uncomfortable about calling people she is friends with as I wouldn't ever expect my boss to call my friends. She has also befriended a friend of mine not related to the school (our daughters went to playgroup together and were best friends). I had introduced them thinking it would be nice for my daughter and her daughter to see more of each other. This friend now doesn't reply to my calls anymore nor does she call me. To me that either means that the AP is badmouthing me, though I am not sure what that would be about or that she wasn't as good a friend as I thought in the first place. Either way, the result is that I no longer hear from her.

It could well be that I am being paranoid but what I do know is that I feel very stressed by this situation. I understand I can't dictate who she befriends but I had expected a little more professionalism and respect for me to be honest.

So tell me, am I really being paranoid and if so, how do I get over this so that I can relax and enjoy the time I have with the kids?

Are you a little jealous of the AP's lifestyle maybe?

Au pairs aren't professionals, so I don't think you can expect professionalism exactly. I think this is an issue of hiring an older than usual au pair. If you had a 19 year old au pair she would naturally want to make friends with other au pairs and students etc. A 29 year old is going to want to make friends with women her own age.

I would find a 29 year old 'au pair' very difficult to manage given that they occupy a space between employee and part of the family. It would drive me round the bend to have no part of my ife that the AP isn't part of (socialising with your peers, living in, etc). Nannies are different as the relationship is on a much more professional basis really.

I don't really see an alternative for this au pair though becuase of course she will want to socialise with people her own age, which the school gate mums will be.

You can put your foot down and manage what she does with your DC better though.

How much longer is she with you?

Ultimately, your au pair is there to make your life easier. Is she your first au pair? It feels huge to consider, but if you are not comfortable, you need to move on - you can give her a great reference, but the relationship is not working for you. In a few months she will move on anyway, but you have to stay for a long, long time and maintain your own relationships amongst those staying with you. Your children will accept the situation and move on happily - at that age, they truly do.

She sounds genuinely amiable and popular. People like her. It doesn't mean she is bad mouthing you at all. Have you tried to contact this friend?

You are making all sorts of assumptions about her as a person that seem to stem from a lack of self esteem.

Did she tell you she doesn't like young children? After you hired her? Why would she be doing this for a living.
We all need to make friends in our working life.

This is not a "problem" with your AP is it? It's your perception of her.

Rita I will happily admit that I do feel jealous that she is going out with my friends whilst I have to work. The are generally quite a bit older than she is (10-15 years) so it did take me by surprise. How would you ladies feel though?
Is it so strange that I feel unhappy about this?

With hindsight a childminder or a younger aupair would have been a better idea and that is what we will go for once she goes.

In the meanwhile I guess I will just have to get over it and concentrate on my family.

I do treat her well by the way although I am not 'buddy buddy' with her.

Thanks for your points of view!

Honestly, I don't think I would mind an au pair being friends with my friends, and you would expect a childcarer to make friends with the mothers/carers of her charges peers.

You seem very paranoid that the au pair is saying things behind your back - do you have any reason to think this? It seems strange to me that you are worried about saying no to the au pair because of what other mums will think. This isn't the au pair putting you in an awkward position, you're creating a problem where there isn't one.

Lady Yes, that is how it is. You are right that she has little alternative, although she only works 3 days (the other 2 days my ds goes to a lovely childminder) so we had hoped she would undertake an activity or a course to meet people. I think the option of the school mums is just a little easier for her.

She is supposed to stay another 6 months. I will have to do some thinking.

I am going to bed now. Thanks for your insights. It has allowed me to see things a little differently.

Sorry, but I would find this rather odd to be honest. If they are your peers then they're probably not her peers ie they're quite a bit older, in relationships with kids. And usually au pairs are here to learn English - is that the case here?

I guess that this is one of the risks of having a non-traditional au pair: by 29 I would expect someone to be settled into their career, not au pairing. With a younger au pair the roles are clearer I think. Go with your instincts here. You don't have to wait 6 months, you could find someone else sooner.

I don't think YABU to feel like this tbh, but at the same time the au pair hasn't done anything wrong. She's moved to a new place, started a new job and made friends with some people she has met. She is free to do this. There is no rule that she can't be friends with your friends or people who are older than her!

'I have arranged for x or y, that's ok isn't it', making it really hard to say 'well actually, that isn't ok' without coming across as petty or unreasonable

I think if you can't say no without sounding petty and unreasonable then chances are you are being petty and unreasonable.

If you're not happy with the relationship then ask her to leave, but bear in mind that she hasn't done anything wrong it's just a clash of personalities.

I don't think YABU but I do agree it's a problem with an older au pair who isn't going to befriend the local teens.

Perhaps she sees her role as more of a nanny role given her age and the hours where the expectations and accepted norms for socialising with other parents are a little different given the distance created by that professionalism.

Regardless of who's right it can't be nice to feel usurped and it's probably a sign that it's not working so you might want to think about cutting your losses.

The big problem for me would be that she has zero interest in doing her job, so your son is spending two days a week with someone who is disinterested in him and is using your friends to fill her time. That would be goodbye from me.

six months is a long time to have someone around you're uncomfortable with.

Where is she from, out of curiousity? What did she hope to get out of the role? I also find 29 far too old to slot into the au pair role. She's not an older sister, there are probably more sensible ways to learn English/or childcare (but it sounds like she's not so interested in that...) that would reflect positively on her professionally. But it might depend to a certain extent on where she is from and what opportunities are open to her, how weird the role may be. WHat is she planning to do afterwards?

I think you need to focus on managing her time better - activities with your DC etc - so that it feels less like she's socialising on 'your time' for the majority of time she's with your son. If she won't show more interest, etc then I would be saying to her, look it doesn't seem like this is for you.

Lady She is from the same European country as we are. She is a secondary school teacher, teaching English to 14-15 year olds. Her dream was to come to England for a year. As she is not allowed to be employed whilst she is on sabatical, au-pairing seemed like the ideal solution for her.
From our side, we wanted someone mature who could manage our active 18 month old for 3 full days. In effect we wanted a live-in nanny (and we paid accordingly too). the fact that she was a teacher and spoke our language seemed to make it an ideal situation. The first week she was with us, we came home to a house that was a complete mess. The first day I spent an hour tidying it up thinking it was best that i show her what we needed rather than having to tell her. She just sat watching TV though. The same happened the next day so we then had to tell her that we didn't expect to have extra work because she is with us. Since then she has been good about keeping the house clean but it is clear that is is a real chore for her.

The problem has now solved itself. She has quit yesterday. Her reason is that she feels it is her year off and she isn't really enjoying being with our DS those 3 days. I am absolutly relieved, though the hunt for alternative childcare starts now (and I am not tempted to have someone live-in again). My DH is livid as he hates people going back on agreements.

Thanks for your messages though - they have put me in a much more positive mindset.

I reckon she's a mumsnetter

Its sounds like it was a difficult experience for you... you have my sympathy. Hope your next arrangement works out better.

If she is/was basically a live-in nanny, how is that "not being employed"? An au pair is an employee.

I'm glad it's sorted! I would have felt exactly the same way in your position, and would not have continued employing her, tbh! I couldn't have someone living in my house that I wasn't comfortable with.

yay she quit! I would not like it either TBH