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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

A WWYD really - finding relationship with AP very difficult since she's patently keen on DH

37 replies

docket · 19/01/2012 09:46

Have had an au pair since September (she's leaving end of March). She's been very good with the children and coped particularly well at the start when I was recovering from an operation and not much help for a while. She's quite easy to get along with, if rather arrogant at times!

I noticed early on that she was very keen on DH, quite flirty, very attentive and markedly 'nicer' to him. My mum and her partner noticed too, my mum mentioned it to me after she saw them talking and noticed the AP had lain herself in a 'come hither' style over a chair (whatever that means!). Anyway, it was pretty obvious to all concerned.

Up to then I had regarded it as nothing serious, almost amusing. Then, she spent Christmas-New Year in London and kept texting DH (nothing that needed replying to, just 'chat') and then very bizarrely sent a text to him at 1 in the morning saying 'Is anything wrong (I hope this hasn't woken you)?'. This was very weird indeed as she knows we go to bed quite early and even DH who is rather oblivious to these things had to admit there was only one likely explanation for texting someone at that hour...

I mentioned I thought it was a bit strange (in an 'are you ok' way) when she got back as I wanted her to know I knew. She was hugely defensive, saying she hated it when people didn't reply to her texts....

Anyway, the upshot is that I find having her around very difficult, I think she crossed the line with that text. I've told a couple of RL friends who think I should have given her the boot but that feels a bit extreme and at times I wonder whether I'm just blowing it out of proportion.

What do you think? Would really appreciate some opinions!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 19/01/2012 12:15

people text me at 1 AM. They don't fancy me, and if I'm awake I will text them back. Some people are just like that about texting.

I would feel uncomfortable about the AP texting quite that comfortably with my dh, but is it possible she's just very sociable and this is just how she is? Living in someone's house I can imagine that it's hard to maintain the purely employer employee professional relationship all the time and that it's possible to develop a sense of familiarity that you wouldn't in any other employer employee type relationship.

If he hadn't responded to her texts she may genuinely have wondered if there was anything wrong and texted purely out of concern. I don't think that a text at 1 in the morning can mean only one thing. If she's young she may just not have that social know-how to realize that texting your employer on a friendly basis and that texting them at 1 in the morning isn't really appropriate.

She only has six weeks left to work for you. Given you presumably have to give her a month's notice I would just let it go and be glad when she's gone in six weeks. I wouldn't make a big deal over just one text.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/01/2012 13:46

I was the one who suggested it might be six weeks.

I've had three au pairs, still fairly new to it compared to some people on here but ime it is not normal for these girls to do something like what your AP is doing with the 'host dad.' For a start most of the ones I have known (mine and a neighbours) perceive anyone over 25 as 'old.' Befriending on Facebook is one thing, but they normally have other social aims and objectives than texting the host parents at odd hours.

Does she hang out with you guys as a couple at all?

OP do you need her help to be able to go to work? Have you lined up a replacement?

Has she done anything weird since the 1 am text, i.e. carried on texting?

If she is going at the start of March and nothing else has happened AND you need her help, I'd leave it but put DH on notice not to engage with any solo texting/socialising with her.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/01/2012 13:48

wannabe it was more than just the one text.

choccyp1g · 19/01/2012 13:51

And she didn't text OP did she? Just the husband.

RitaMorgan · 19/01/2012 14:01

I don't see that she's done anything so terrible, but if you don't feel it is working out you can just give her notice and let her go. How much is the notice period in her contract?

If you want her to leave early though you should pay her flight imo. And if you intend to pay her notice instead of letting her work it then you definitely need to make sure she can get home.

This isn't a gross misconduct situation so you can't sack her on the spot, you do need to give her the correct notice.

Bear in mind as well that if you haven't mentioned the issues to her/instigated a disciplinary procedure and given her the opportunity to improve, you can't out them in a reference.

thebody · 19/01/2012 14:03

she souinds a silly little cow and very unprofessional.

I am a cm and I NEVER EVER text a dad unless he texted me first and if I need to send a text to a dad re pick up I always send it to mum as well.

texting at 1 am just shows how immature she is and if you and your mum get the vibe she is flirting with him then she is.

get rid of her together if you legally can.

docket · 19/01/2012 14:04

LadyHarriet, we sometimes watch a film together etc but don't spend that much time together in the evenings, she goes out a fair bit too. Interestingly (particularly in hindsight) she said early on that she is not interested in anyone under about 30 as they are 'children' (this came about after a 24 year old she'd met in a club had been texting her!). She is 19....

She hasn't done anything weird since (apart from trying to persuade DH to join her badminton club - something he will NOT be doing!). I'm in the process of trying to line up a replacement for March, I could manage without her but life is certainly easier from a childcare point of view with her around.

OP posts:
LadyHarrietDeSpook · 19/01/2012 14:07

Yep. Not one you want hanging around for long. Hope she's planning to go back to her home country when she's finished.

porcamiseria · 19/01/2012 14:50

fucking sack the slag!!!! really!

SpikeInTheBasement · 19/01/2012 14:55

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thebody · 19/01/2012 16:56

maybe I am a bit careful but tbh I think I am professional, and its always best to text both parents anyway incase one doesnt see text.

the dad thing is probably because I used to be matey with one of my close friends husbands, textin Jokes etc and one day he lunged at me and tried to kiss me as he thought I fancied him.

Some men have egos the size of planets and brains the size of peas so yes I take great care with 'my' dads

rubyblues · 19/01/2012 17:22

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