Getting first au pair, argggh - what you wished you'd known...

[PollyParanoia]

Hello our au pair is starting next week and I've done lots of research about pay and conditions etc. Am terrified of exploiting anyone so have overcompensated by offering a highish pay (£90) or shortish hours (20 hours plus up to two nights babysitting).
However, the whole thing is still terrifying me as I don't want to get it wrong for everyone's sake. Is there anything you as an employer or as an au pair would advise from the start?
Thanks so much

Agree and make completely clear what is expected.

Get a proper contract in place (if you haven't already - ideally sent with offer letter).

Prepare a handbook with all the information she needs to live in your house (if you haven't already - ideally sent after she has accepted the job).

I assume you are picking up from the airport the first time.

It is common to provide mobile phone, or a SIM for his or her phone, with at least £10 worth of credit a month.

It is common to provide means of transport - access to a car if in the country (and she can drive; book a trial lesson with a driving school to check her out), bus or train pass if in town.

Find out about registration for language courses - you may have missed the boat for this term.

Don't expect her to leave the house until you have taken her out to build familiarity/confidence. If she has not got a friend here

You should not ask for babysitting on a day she is not otherwise working, or pay extra (at a sitters rate i.e. £6ph) if you do. Many families avoid Friday night too, particularly if in/near a city where it is expected that young people gather together on a Friday night!

Sit down together without childcare distractions (partner/elder sibling in charge or in front of the favourite DVD) half an hour before the end of the first day, and the same at the end of the week and talk through what went well, what went badly, what could work better and give praise/confidence boost.

Oh gosh thank you so much that's so thorough. It's hard to make clear what's expected when you haven't any experience.
I don't have a proper contract - do you know of one online?
I did send her a detailed job description (page of a4) when discussing it but it's all been done through a friend so there wasn't an interview/offer process as such. I've now done a more detailed manual, but to a certain degree I want flexibility on both sides in order to work out how it best can work.
Yes am picking up from airport and have offered an oyster card and Sim.
Re. language course I kind of left that to her though checking there are at least three or four within 10 mins walk where there's no one enrolment date (am in central london which I guess makes it easier).
Oh gosh hadn't thought of this saturday thing - the likelihood of us going out twice mon-thurs is pretty unlikely! Hmm will research that one though I've said that we'll let her know in advance and we both mark dates in on the online calendar.
Hadn't mentioned that most of it is shared care (or alone when I take one of them to sports class etc) so should give us opportunity to talk at the end of each day.
Arggh am dreading the whole thing, but if it works it's going to be an amazing help.

You can include some fri and sat nights or babysitting when you need it as kong ad it's all balanced and she gets time to go out.
Sometimes the softer you are they take the piss.
As it's all new make a date to review things, as you may find you need to adjust things as you go along to what best suits everyone.
Phone-be very clear that they are responsible for own personal calls.
Where will she stay? Does she have her own tv/DVD? Ideal if you want some space in your tv room or so she feels she can have her own break.
Talk about food expectations, what worked for us was AP having her own shelf in fridge and cupboard. Where she can keep her cereal and snacks. (lunch things?) Main meal/dinner shared? I gave AP food allowance to buy these things. After first AP ate us out of house and home.
Talk about time keeping, one AP I used to have to wake 15 min before I left for work, handing child over. Goodness knows when she showered!
Where is she coming from?

If you were still at the choosing stage I would have advised you to do a trial weekend first.

I chose an au pair who had worked in a kindergarten and I truly believed she would be great. She wasn't.... asked her to leave after 3 weeks because I couldn't trust her with them at all. I would have spotted it on a trial weekend - knew it on day 1 but tried to make the best of it for a few weeks.

You need to be careful about expecting flexibility - because she will expect the same from you. IME it's better to be as clear as possible about what you want - this may mean compromises on your part, but you won't be in a situation where the arrangement seems open to regular re-negotation. Which will drive you crazy.

Make sure that her room is comfortable and set up so that she can enjoy private time there. Access to the internet, tv/dvd pretty essentially unless you're happy to share all of that generously with her. (Which may drive you crazy.)

I would be more proactive about helping her find a language school - you want her meeting friends and settling in. Find out about Facebook pages for au pairs for your area, etc.

Definitely think about food and meals - we don't do a food allowance, and it hasn't been a problem overall although with our current au pair you could tell in the first couple of months she'd never paid for her own groceries before. No idea what was in season, etc. It's all settled down now but took careful negotiating, etc. You should plan to eat some meals with them otherwise we've found that communication really breaks down.

Think about your visitors policy - both friends in the evening and visitors from abroad coming to stay.

RE babysitting, plan to avoid babysitting on a Friday or Saturday night - they do expect to do it and it's fine to ask. That sounds more relevant for a live in nanny who is working sole charge 40+ hours per week. Unless Mr A means that you shouldn't regularly ask them to work DURING THE DAY on their days off. This I agree you shouldn't do and definitely always pay extra when you do that.

We pay extra for Saturday night babysitting even if they haven't done the two nights' during the week. We give plenty of notice too and always ask if they have plans first. I guess there are crazy people who would tie up every night of every weekend of their au pair's time, and of course this isn't nice, but I am guessing you are not one of these people. You will want your AP to have plans as well because it means she is meeting people and settling in.

Make her feel like she's part of the family and not a servant. When I was an aupair the parents used to come home and lock themselves in the lounge . And they also treated me like I was the employee rather than human. Needless to say it didn't last.

Banana
I'm sure it wasn't anything personal. DH and I are twenty years older than our au pair and exhausted after work sadly. It is barely possible for us to make decent conversation with each other by half nine.

However, I do agree that you need to be realistic about your schedule and lifestyle before you hire someone. DOn't say you're home at six for a family meal when you are leaving work at six and then rushing around, etc.

and actually au pairs are technically employees...but let's not go into all that again. There are other threads on this. In fact a lot of people take advantage of au pairs undert he cover of them being 'part of the family.'

Make sure they know when they need to be up and functioning - we had one who was lovely, but hated getting out of bed in the morning and even when she was up, it would take her an hour and a half to become productive!

Teach them how to clean. Our 2 german aupairs did not know the first thing about cleaning bathrooms for example - we had fairy liquid used in the loo... ALso, they run the tap and was everything under running water, rather than fill a bowl with soapy water. Urg.

If they dont have their own TV, make sure you get one. Computer time is essential - think about investing in a cheap notepad for them, so they can skype their friends....otherwise your phone bill will be huge.

Get a sim card and a £10 top up. Or a very cheap £10 p.m contract with a cap on fees.

Depending one how you like to work, you could try detailing everything that needs to be done in the house every week, or leave it more generic and decide each day if there are tasks you would like them to do.

Decide on your policy for friends coming over/friends staying over.

I would say that if you give up your friday/saturday nights babysitting, they should be available either Friday or SUnday night - otherwise, as you say, who has time in the week to go out?

Personally, I find that spending at least 1 day with my new new AP guiding her through a typical day is very useful. This helps her become aquainted with our routines, and is a good indicator of what she is expected to do during a typical 'working' day.

Don't take any knowledge for granted - so show her how to work your household appliances, write down portion sizes for your children, your house rules, emergency numbers, where food is kept, the water stopcock etc. Remind her of the kind of activites your dc like doing.

Also it's nice to take time to show her around your local area. Show her the nearest shops, gym, parks, bus stops, train station, doctors, dentist etc. I would also show her how to buy a train ticket too if your station has an electronic ticket machine.

In our welcome pack I include a doctors and dentist registration form, train timetables and a local map and also a London A-Z together with our contract. I also include a daily checklist now so that it is easy for the AP to know what she has to do. It can be quite overwhelming for the AP at first to remember everything.

Most of all make time to talk to her regularly, and find out how she is doing. Address any problems immediately.

Having said all of this, I still think that having APs are very much a lottery. You will pretty much know whether you have a good AP within the first week.

Agree 100% with metro that it is a lottery.
So dont stress too much if they don't work out, you can always recruit another one. We went through three pretty quickly before we got an amazing one. You learn from each one too
Have a clear trial period set out do if things don't work out you don't feel you are stuck with her/him