Unhappy Nanny

[namechangedtomoan]

The family I nanny for are "caring" to the point of being quite keen on analyzing mine and everyone around them 'inner workings' they are caring but to the point of a bit suffocating, I have been with them for 18 months and on the whole am very happy, but recently the little girl (aged 8) has started to be very rude to me, she doesn't say hello when I arrive, she bosses me around continuously, it's like she doesn't beleive I'm capable of doing anything correctly esp. taking care of her little 3 year old sister.

To be blunt she is controlling. She hovers round whilst I make a sandwich, very particular about how many teaspoons of mayo she has how many twists of the pepper mill and her mother is the same, if I'm hoovering she'll (the mother) just sit on the sofa watching my every move and ask me to do it differently. I'm starting to feel really claustrophobic and I don't know what to do.

Her mother, whilst kind and understanding as an employer is so constantly analyzing everyone in the house hold's behavior (through, I believe, too much time on hands) that I feel self conscious of everything I do or say and cant relax any more.
Help!

(I have been a nanny for 11 years and usually everything's fine but this situation seems to be getting worse and my confidence is getting knocked)

This is terrible. The childs is obviously copying her mothers horrible, undermining behaviour. I am surprised you have not pulled the child up for the unacceptable way she is behaving. If you feel unable to discipline in front of the mother you must leave.

Are they the sort of people who you could talk to about this without them being offended? If they are then I would, politely, but quite firmly tell them what you've said here. With the 8-year-old I would say 'everyone makes sandwiches differently. This is how I make them.' and certainly wouldn't comply with her. Alternatively I'd get her involved in something else, so if she's monitoring your sandwich making I'd send her on an errand upstairs.

If you don't feel you can speak to them without their being bad feeling, I'd leave while things are good between you and look for something else.

Has anything happened to 8 year old to make her like this (eg changes we school etc)? Or is it 8 year old girls (disclaimer here my dd younger but can well see how the bossy trait could go with her to something like that).

The mum thing sounds annoying (ESP if it's all the time)- how often is she around? I think dd something you can work on (being bossy with you prob symptom of how she is generally so can work in that). The issue sounds like the mum as consciously/unconsciously dd picking up on that . And If mum not supportive of this and annoying herself sounds like it may be impossible.

Also are you their first nanny- wondering if control for that reason?

Mum works from home so it's tricky I've spent the first 18 months saying things like 'everyone's different in the way we do things' 'it doesn't matter, I will worry about that' 'why don't you find something to do' etc

But her mother (who I spoke to about it yesterday said that it is my own fault and I need to establish who's who because shes spotted weakness in me and is exploiting it) she can't see that this behavior is coming from her.

I am getting a bit fearful of going in to work because the family dynamics are so intense and hyper- sensitive

I, myself came from a bright an breezy- live-in-the-moment type family, a deal with your own stuff and not worry about other people faults type family, so this scenario is starting to bring me down.

I'd leave then. Start looking for something else.

Gigondas Yes there have been a few changes lately which could have exacerbated the problem, it's just a question of where do I go from here?

I am not their first nanny but I'm the only nanny that's lasted as long as I have the last nanny left after a dispute of some kind.

To be fair to the mum is she notices this disrespectful attitude she does take her dd off and have words but the way she turned it around on me yesterday hurt.

hohohoshedittant I have got quite a good excuse to leave coming up soon I don't want to out myself but it's very legitimate but wont be untill July at the earliest, thank you for you advice.

I would leave too. Am all for therapy (having benefited hugely myself) but not on my poor nanny and point of it is you should be able to spot issues in yourself.

Exactly. I beleive that too, I am confident, happy, funny, educated, I have nice friends, strong morals and earned confidence, I have seen too much to take quasi psycho-analysis from bored parents, who only have the upper hand in this particular instance because I need to keep my job, they know this and they're taking the piss.
Gone from to

So you should be. I know I am not perfect but I do remember my nanny is n employee so same standard of professional courtesy and appropriate behaviour applies to her as anyone who works for me in my rl job.
I know it's a messier boundary as nanny works in my home with my beloved kids but I have to work on myself to remember that I employ her and not let my issues get in the way (ie any therapy I do is about me not her).

Interesting you say to be fair to mum, she does take her off and have words..all well and good but as this behaviour is directed at you, you should feel confident enough to deal wth it yourself. Why are you allowing an 8 yr old to disrespect you in this way? I think maybe this family have damaged your confidence in your own ability to take control of the children in your care. you describe them as caring???

leave!!!

brat neds a slap(of course cant do this but a metaphorical one of course, I would send her out of the kitchen if she spoke to me like this..but then as a cm its my kitchen so easier..

mum also needs a slap(again illegal though would be very satisfying)..

mum will reap what she sows with her dd, out of control now and just a child, oh dear, vile teen on the way...

what about references though??

Get another job then ask... Also if someone explained this kind of situation I would take it Into Account when considering refs. I have been and in my limited experience of nanny interviews about how odd/mean people can be particularly to someone in a trusted position like a nanny.

I didn't think it had got so extreme that I need to leave but it's clearly coming across like that.

To offer a bit of balance, my employers are very flexible with me (I have some commitments that are non-negotiable), they always accommodate these, they never forget to pay me, they are super generous towards me, they thank me very regularly in fact they never forget to thank me and praise my practice.

It's just this recurring issue-at first whe I began with this family, it was like the little girl had finally found a best friend when she met me, she would run to the door and hug me and not want me to go home I was wary of this because I thought it would make it difficult for me to tell her off in the future if need be.

She's very cuddly with me when her mum's not in (I think her mother gets a bit jealous when we have a laugh or I teach her to play the Violin as I play too), she enters the room and always sends her DD of to do something else saying "I can sense you just need to be on your own right now"

I was a bit by this at first but it was just a quirk of the family but now it is getting disrespectful I can't tolerate it any more.

Maybe I need to hit the road I would be sad to esp. as I'm so fond of them all its just horrible feeling powerless.

Yes I can see how they have good points (and tbh the paying you thing is a given) but the Mother sounds the issue- she is quite clearly undermining you or at very least her interference making your role
Harder.

yes parents who pay are gold star rating!!

but mum sounds a little crackers and is making you go over the top analysing them maybe.

if child is cheeky, and she sounds like she is, tell her off and send out of the room, though think she is simply copying mum here.

mum is clearly jealous, not sure how you can deal with this, probably you cant tbh, weigh up pros and cons of job on a sheet of paper and if more cons then leave and if more pros stay, after all no job can be perfect and no family is completely normal..

however being paid on time is a big big plus for me tbh..

Thanks thebody I thought you were being sarcastic about the £ thing at first!! I have heard a lot of nannies over the years, talking about parents not paying them on time and messing them about with money, I would hate to be in the position of having to remind them to pay me etc.
I'll try to weigh up the p and c's its hard,
I'm off for a few days over Christmas so will have chance to talk to my family and gain some perspective.
Thank you

Could you start telling the 8 year old to do things herself?

She criticises how you make a sandwiches/dictates how it is made "x rather than dictate to me how you would like your sandwich I think you should make it yourself"

Whilst you are still there you do need to pull the 8 year old up in a constructive way as possible

I'm not sure if the situation is beyond repair? Only you know how bad you're finding it, but could you use the time off over Xmas to re-think how you deal with their annoying behaviour?

e.g. I know the sandwich thing was only an example, but can you not get the 8 year old to make her own if she starts complaining? Hand her the knife and spread and say 'Wow, it sounds like you know how to make a delicious sandwich, so show me what you'd do and while you're at it make me one too!

Also if the mum is sitting watching you hoover then hand her a duster make a joke of it and tell her she's making you nervous and ask her to stop watching. Or you could apologise and say you didn't realise she needed the room and you'll come back later - and leave quickly. If she says she doesn't then insist that you'll go and do the kids' rooms or something and come back later. If you're firm and keep leaving the room if she comes to watch you clean then she should get the message. If she makes any critical comments you can joke 'I didn't know I was training to be a cleaner!' or similar.

Good luck.

Leaving is one option - but depending on what it is that's coming up in July, do you really want to change jobs before then? I think you can at least try to remedy this situation if you don't want to leave yet. Also, depending on where you live, changing jobs isn't all that easy right now

I would tackle the child like this - whenever she is out of line, pull her up on it, irrespective of who else is in the room

leeloo1 As much as I aspire to be that assertive, I have a long way to go before I could speak to my employer like that- I would worry some of my anger would come out as I said it and I don't want to compromise my professionalism, because of her lack of boundaries. Thank you though, this has made me realise that I do need to just knock this kind of behaviour on the head (not literally!) each time it arises so it becomes an automatic response and everyone knows my own rules.

Thank you ChippingInLovesChristmasLights I will be trying to remedy the situation, all relationships working or personal have their tendencies- positive and negative and I am committed to this family so I will do my best to take heed of some of the advice on here, FIRM, ASSERTIVE YES SMILING AND LOOK FOR OTHER JOBS IN THE MEANTIME! thank you

namechangedtomoan :) Don't worry, its not like I'd be leaping to do it either - well telling the 8 year old to make her own sandwich I could and would definitely do! :)

Good luck with the job hunting.