who does your au pair eat with?

[stella1w]

I seem to remember from years ago that au pairs were not meant to eat with the children, but eat with the family..
Trouble is, I'll be wanting the children to eat at fiveish and I won't be getting in till just after 6.30pm and then will be trying to get children to sleep etc which might go on til way past 8pm by which time, I'll just grab something for myself rather than sit down to a proper meal (I'm single).
I know eating in shifts is not great, but it's the way it is in our family and would it be so terrible to expect the au pair to either eat with the kids, or by herself at some point in the early evening? (assuming that at weekends, we do all sit down together?)

thats perfectly fine, i think lots of families have the same system as you. also lots of aupairs dont like to eat as late as hostparents often do. just explain everything upfront and it wont be a problem at all.

I have exactly the same system. Generally during the week it's her choice, she can eat with DS around 6ish, or she makes herself something later.

If she's in on the weekend, I make a point of cooking a proper meal and inviting her to sit down with us. I also cook extra and stack it in boxes in the fridge and she tends to warm these up when she wants them.

She settled into my pattern quite quickly and quite often cooks for herself, knowing that I'm more likely to just grab a yoghurt or something. BTW, it seems to be a lot easier with an au-pair who herself has a single mum [as in my case] as they seem to understand it. If they come from a family that sits down together every night, I guess it could be a shock. I made a point of explaining it before we did the contract.

I am a live in nanny and work for a single parent and we all eat together when she gets in at 5.30 however if she is working late then I eat with the children or sometimes eat whilst my boss is doing bath/bedtime routine.

With our first au pair she ate with us every night and it nearly drove me mad. I came home from work, she'd disappear upstairs, I'd do kids' bath, bedtime, story etc, then go downstairs and cook for the 3 adults and as if by magic au pair would re appear at 8.30 ready for the meal. She'd then go out. So this time we have agreed from the word go that Mon to Wed AP eats with kids at 6pm and then eats with us Thur to Sun and it works a dream. I feel less put upon and by Thursday we've got things stored up to talk to her about. Each to his own of course, but this is working much better for us and i think the AP too.

Hi AP eats with kids at 6pm at weekend too if she wants dinner (usually she is out). Works for us as part of my role is trying to get the children to eat with some vague semblance of table manners so for me dinner is during her paid duty hours.

wow - I am only just beginning to toy with the idea of getting an au pair and am surprised that is a topic of conversation? Perhaps I am being really naive, but I wouldn't be bothered when the au pair ate, so long as my daughter did and so long as she at least sat with my daughter whilst she ate... can someone educate me as to why this needs to be discussed with the au pair at all?

Some come from cultures where while families eat together so the idea of separate kids meals is a culture shock! Some want to eat with adults to try out their English. Some never want to eat with the family.

It's just one of the many things that needs to be talked about and not assumed!

Okay, I've screwed this up (by not having the conversation) and am now cooking for a 30yr old woman as well as my husband every night, and she spends every evening (all evening) plonked in front of our TV.

Is there a polite way to point out that DH and I need private time together?

My boss shuts the living room door when she does not want to be disturbed. Maybe you could do the same.

Don't you find that a bit rude? Or is it just an ok signal that says 'I need some space'?

(I don't see myself as a boss because money for au pairing is lower - they're unqualified, and they're supposed to benefit from host family in return)

But you are in some senses a boss so need to manage the relationship and a 30yo should be easier than a teen in that respect. Just have a frank little chat about how you need a couple of evenings to talk about family/grown up stuff before you and DH have a full on row over dinner one evening and the AP doesn't know where to put herself.

Rose MT - no I don't find it rude, I know then that she's busy or just wants time to herself. The door is always open up until DC's bedtime so I can wonder in and out then, join them for pizza or a cup of tea/glass of wine, and sometimes isn't shut when DC goes to bed, however when it is it's not a problem, the same as me I keep my room door slightly ajared most the time but if it's shut then I don't want to be disturbed and MB knows not to knock etc.

Rose I would just explain that you need some private time with your DH. We do a 9pm cutoff in that they are welcome to chat etc but after 9pm we want private time. We have found they want their own space to chat, skype, go out and this way they are not being rude if they disappear. Are you sure she is not sitting with you to be polite and actually would love it if you gave her the freedom to do her own thing? Does she have TV, Wifi and laptop in her room?

Definitely possible she's being polite. I did check tv/DVD, etc, we put in her room was working... she says she likes watching the big TV in the lounge.

I think you're right - need to have the conversation and put this down to experience. Another lesson learned about sharing your house

My au pair chose to eat in her room every night. It drove me nuts. She hid the whole time she was not looking after the kids