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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

am i expecting too much of my nanny ?

24 replies

istilllovelassie · 17/11/2011 19:58

I am trying to work out if the following problem is that our nanny has no control, my DD is the devil or we havent set clear guidelines.

We have an after school nanny - she collects our DD from school at 3.20 and looks after her til 6pm we pay her £30.

Our DD is five and an only child. We work very hard to make her understand sharing etc and she has been at nursery since six months, and school for the last three months and has never had any complaints about her behaviour and teachers say she always does what she is told.

However i am fully aware that at home she can be quite attitudey and you have to lay down the law very clearly to her.

The nanny doesnt seem to be able to. It has transpired that for the last 5 weeks they get home at 3.30 and basically watch tv for nearly 2 and half hours til five minutes before 6 when i get home. I have said this is not acceptable and told DD and nanny only 1 hour - but the nanny says she (DD) wont turn the tv off. So I have removed the sky card and banned tv.

Tonight when i got home I asked how it went and the nanny said the the freeview channels still work and DD turned on tv and sat and watched it all evening.

She also refused to eat her tea , refused to have a bath and insisted the nanny went round to a neighbours house to ask her friend on a playdate. ( which shockingly the nanny did !!)

I have of course bollocked her tonight. Banned playdates / tv / sweets etc
and I know she clearly is taking the piss out of the nanny but I am intersted to know from nannies what would you do in this situation ?

We have told the nanny she can be as strict as she likes .. I had made it clear no tv , so why didnt she turn it off at the plug and take away the remotes ? instead of letting her sit there for 2 hours ? or am i expecting too much from a nanny ?

Is there anyway of retrieving this situation ?

thanks

OP posts:

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nannynick · 17/11/2011 20:13

What does your DD want to do when she gets home from school? A lot of children want to chill out a bit. Saying that though, today we went to the park for a bit after school, so energy could be burned off.
Once home, one child iced cakes but his older brother didn't join him... children are different. Some will do things, others will want to chill out.

You don't want her to spend all the time watching tv, so what else would you want her to do? Nanny could turn the tv off but your DD may then have a major tantrum, especially if tired and hungry after school. Would dd perhaps help make tea - does she like helping with cooking?

saintlyjimjams · 17/11/2011 20:16

Is the nanny very young?

saintlyjimjams · 17/11/2011 20:18

The TV stuff wouldn't bother me in a way, but the nanny's inability to cope with a straight refusal would bother me. Is your dd particularly strident? (DS3 can be a nightmare at home and it can take a while to work out how best to deal with him).

Original poster

istilllovelassie · 17/11/2011 20:19

She def wants to watch TV !!! but surely but two and a half hours every night is too much ?
Yes she would have a tantrum if the tv was turned off but if the nanny cant front that out then i am not sure she will ever be able to get her to do what she asks.
she loves cooking, drawing, writing , reading and does all of these when with us. I left out colouring books, puzzles, and a cake mix box for her to do but the nanny said DD wouldnt do any of it...

OP posts:

nannyl · 17/11/2011 20:21

OMG

when im in charge im the boss

i would NEVER be told by a 5 year old what they were going to do.
I dont think any of the very many nannies I know would be dictated to by a 5 year old either

(Oh and i think its the nanny you should be cross with, not your child)

rubyslippers · 17/11/2011 20:23

This would tick me off

2 hours of TV of an evening is not ideal

Can you encourage some structure - like snack, homework/reading, tv and then dinner?

It's hard in winter to entertain but my nanny has done painting with mine this week and they help to make dinner too

Original poster

istilllovelassie · 17/11/2011 20:25

saintlyjimjams - Nanny is over 40. and yes DD is strident ( i like that word !) but if you engage her she is usually better than when being fixated on tv

OP posts:

eastnorth · 17/11/2011 20:25

surely she is the expert with children, its her job. She should to be able to sort your daughter out. Maybe she is the wrong nanny.

RitaMorgan · 17/11/2011 20:32

Sounds like the kind of issue you'd get with a young babysitter or au pair - not an experienced nanny. I'm shocked that you have to take the sky card away because the nanny can't say no to a 5 year old

Does the nanny just have no natural authority/ability to be in charge, or is it just that she's taking the easy way? Since it's only 2.5 hours a night it must be tempting to just say yes to all demands and turn the TV on.

Bonsoir · 17/11/2011 20:36

Why don't you ask your nanny to take your DD to the park / for a scoot / cycle ride after school rather than going straight home? And then ask to her play a game and read a couple of stories to your DD before tea, and then perhaps allow your DD 45 minutes of TV before her bath?

surpriseme · 17/11/2011 20:37

I am a nanny and I am shocked at the nanny! I would be more annoyed with the nanny than the child tbh.Its only natural that your child will test the boundaries etc.
I think 2hrs of tv after school is too much esp since thats the only time the nanny has.If I was paying a nanny for 3hrs a day I wouldnt want her to spend over half that time with tv on.Its not like she has a 10hr shift where 2hrs doesnt impact so much on the day(though still too much everyday tbh)
If I was the nanny in this position I would prob allow 30mins tv and it would be towards the end of the day and if child doesnt behave then she will get no tv. I would prob plan something like craft/baking/reading etc when get home from school or just play with toys etc.If nice maybe go to the park.Then maybe have the child help prepare tea.Then after tea would be when she could watch tv
Your nanny needs to change her attitude.If nanny says its time for tv to be off then its time to be off!

LunarRose · 17/11/2011 20:44

This reminds me of my Mum's very brief flirtation with having an Aupair when I was little. I convinced her that she had to buy me an iced bun everyday on the way home from school

She didn't say long.

You daughter is taking advantage of your Nanny's weakness. Nanny's fault, she's the grown up

eastnorth · 17/11/2011 20:48

Nice one lunar, only one bun?

Original poster

istilllovelassie · 17/11/2011 20:53

lunarose - how funny - our nanny says she has to buy 3 chocolate croissants not just for DD but for her friends as well !! ( bet i am not popular at the school gates now)

thanks all appreciate the feedback, i may have one last stab at writing out some timings for her to make it really clear but i feel like i can be a bit tougher with the nanny now so thanks for the advice.

OP posts:

SaggyoldCHRISTMASHUMBUGcatpuss · 17/11/2011 21:02

Does the nanny have her own kids?? Is she one of those parents?? I was unofficial nanny to 3 kids who's mum was my friend, who died. They were monsters! I was very STRIDENT!

LunarRose · 17/11/2011 21:15

To be fair she stayed for less than a month....

Why wasn't I more thoughtful of my friends?

Your daughter sounds like a lovely bright determined sweetheart. All good characteristics to have in life. Without shadow of a doubt your Nanny is being too soft and or lazy.

PickleMyster · 17/11/2011 22:46

I am actually quite shocked at your nanny's attitude. I agree with a lot of the other posters - your nanny is in charge not your child. Of course your daughter is going to test the boundaries and at first is going to kick off/have a strop if she doesn't get her own way (she's a child that what they do) but the strops will stop when she realises the nanny means it. Your nanny needs to do her job properly and provide some structure for your daughter - otherwise you are paying her to watch TV all afternoon.

I am an after-school nanny to a 6yr old girl (and I take my own DS 2.5yrs) Our afternoon routine is pick up at 3.30, into the playground for about 15/20 minutes to burn off energy for both children. We arrive home about 4pm. During the next half hour both children do a quiet activity - usually drawing/colouring/playdough etc. I prepare tea during that time. Whilst tea is cooking we do homework (reading/spellings). Tea is at 5pm. TV is only allowed after tea and it's likely to be 45mins max.

Either your nanny is very inexperienced (my first nanny job was for two four yr old girls and they would never have gotten away with behaving like that) and needs a lot of guidance or she is lazy and needs a good kick up the backside. :)

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/11/2011 10:26

shes in her 40's so assume she has experience and came with glowing references?

if she cant control/discipline your child then she needs to go

saintlyjimjams · 18/11/2011 11:09

"Yes she would have a tantrum if the tv was turned off but if the nanny cant front that out then i am not sure she will ever be able to get her to do what she asks."

Yep agree and aged 40 very odd that she can't front out a tantrum (I can sort of see that a 17 year old might struggle). If we backed down every time ds3 had a tantrum he'd be a little emperor running the house by now.

Very odd indeed. Yes I'd be concerned. I do think that TV for 2 hours is perhaps a bit much (esp if you're paying someone ) but it wouldn't bother me if it just happened occasionally. The nanny being unable to meet a tantrum head on would though.

I suppose just run through it with the nanny again and reassure that you don't mind if your dd has a tantrum and perhaps give her some tips on how to front it out and how long it's likely to go on for. Some people really cannot cope with children being upset though, but if I had a slightly determined child (and I do) I would be wary about leaving them with someone who couldn't manage that, as it really can result in behavioural problems. That sort of nanny would be fine with ds2 who pretty much does as he's told, but hopeless with ds3 :sucks teeth:

fraktious · 18/11/2011 11:10

Jeez no that's not on and you're not expecting too much.

Your DD may be of the give an inch take a mile variety but nanny needs to stick up for herself too. It sounds like she's lacking in common sense as well as discipline. Could you compromise a bit and limit it to DVDs of the half-hour-per-episode variety, then it's one episode and TV off.

Your DD is five, the nanny is eight or nine times her age! She should be able to say no.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 18/11/2011 11:30

Sorry but none of our au pairs (not even the current one who has needed the most hand holding) would do that day in and day out. It is not what I would expect AT ALL from an experienced nanny in her 40s who isn't totally frigging lazy.

What is she doing while your DD is watching the tellybox? This is what I would want to know.

Am curious as to whether you found it a struggle to find someone - I would keep looking, she's not suitable. For one thing, who gets the homework done? You, after you get back? You will need someone who can help with this as you dd moves along in school, this woman clearly can't.

If you have space for an au pair, consider it. It's not always a bed of roses but there is certainly someone out there who would show more enthusiasm.

MogandMe · 18/11/2011 21:03

Agree with the others and in fact a couple of nannies and I were discussing this earlier and were shocked that a 5 year old could tell a nanny what to do

Yes sometimes a child does need a chill out and the tv can help BUT other things need to be happening too!!

I would suggest you timetable your DD's after school activities and make the nanny aware of what needs to be done by your return each day - you shouldn't have to do this but I suggest that you do as nany doesn't seem to show any initiative!

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 19/11/2011 22:24

You haven't got a nanny, you've got a wet lettuce!! FGS - being told what's going to happen by a 5yo??? Not on my watch.

babysittersupremo · 20/11/2011 19:08

As a nanny I would have been firm for the outset and worked hard to find out what other activities she would like to do that would catch her attention. I hate to say it but it sounds like the nanny is being a bit ,lazy taking the easy route letting her get away with it. Most childcare profesisonals leanr about behaviour and boundaries so wouldnt let it go on like that or disrespect your rules/requsts like that

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