nanny problem

[doodleduck]

Our nanny has been with us 2 years works 2 days for us, 2 days for a 2nd family and 1 day for a 3rd. We knew that the 3rd family wasn't keeping her after Xmas so when a few weeks ago I go a text message asking if I would give her a reference I didn't tweak straight away. Just replied that yes we would give her that but that we would still need her!
When she came for work a few days later, she told us she was leaving. Then she changed her mind and said to me she would try to find another 1 day job. Then later emailed that she was definitely leaving us.

Now we'd always been on good terms and workwise had no complaints whatsoever + she didn't seem to have any about us/her pay/contract/hours + we've always pretty open and happy to discuss stuff iwth her.
We were a bit hacked off with the way she was handling things but still offered her work on the day she was losing with the other family and eventually offered her a payrise. She turned down both and gradually things have got more strained, as she insists we had told her we wouldn't need her and that is why she just texted us to inform us.
Anyway she's just been offered a new 3 day job for which I gave a good reference. However a couple of days ago I found out that she would be working for the new family on the 3 days that she doesn't work with us, and is moving the days she has with 2nd family she currently works for on 'our' days. So I asked her about it, in a calm way as we can't work out what is going on. She basically turned round and shouted at me in front of our child, accusing me of trying to make her feel guilty etc ... On that day I very nearly didn't go to work because of that.
She still has to work 4 weeks of her notice period but I worry about what she could be saying to our 3 year old. Our child isn't talking well enough to tell me everything but for example today when I got back she spent most of the evening being very cross with me and pushing me away telling me to get out. She sometimes gets upset when she is tired but somehow I worry about what could be said to her.

I wonder if anyone has been in a similar awkward situation?

I also wonder if I've done the right thing recommending her. Her work was fine but her reaction is concerning me.

Has anyone also got advice on how to prepare our child to the nanny leaving or whether we just shouldn't say anything at all. Our child sometimes suffers quite badly from separation anxiety from her grandparents who live abroad so I am concerned about emphasising this person leaving as she really likes her nanny.

Sounds like your nanny could have been telling your dd to get out of the room.

I would get rid, and would be tempted to phone the new employer and ask them when she is working for them as you appear to be employing the same nanny to work the same days...

'I would get rid, and would be tempted to phone the new employer and ask them when she is working for them as you appear to be employing the same nanny to work the same days...'

No she told them she is leaving them. She has handed in her notice. She is working her 4 week notice. How will she be working for them and the new family on the same days?!

Well she won't but it lets the new family know what the nanny is capable of.

doodkeduck tbh I can't see what the nanny has done wrong. She has chosen to leave you and stay with the other family. It is a shame that she hasn't felt able to tell you the reason why, but that is her choice. It may just be that she finds the other job easier/more enjoyable/just clicks better with the family.

Shouting at you in front of your child is obv not on, but she is human and it was once, at a stressful time. She has been with you for 2 years and no problem so maybe give her the benefit of the doubt and let it go!

I would try not to read too much into your DD being a bit grumpy with you, sometimes kids are grumpy!! She has been a good nanny for 2 years, your DD likes her it is unlikely that she has now turned and is saying mean things to your DD.

I would find out whether the nanny has told your DD that she is leaving. She should really speak to you about that before she speaks to your DD. Kids are very resiliant and your DD will be fine when the nanny leaves. It would be good to keep a good relationship if possible so that your DD may see the nanny after she has left so it isn't a complete loss of what is obv an important relationship for your DD.

'Well she won't but it lets the new family know what the nanny is capable of.'

What is she capable of? Handing in her notice in good time, working her notice and leaving a job!

I don't understand what is wrong with that?

So she's been great until she handed her notice in? Sounds like she's struggling with all of it. At end of the day she is an employee and it's reasonable for her to look for different work if she wishes.
Maybe reason she is keeping other family instead of you, is she likes that job better!

I wouldn't do anything to harm her new job, that's just horrible

I think the way she handled it was wrong.She obv needed to think about it mor before handing in notice/changing her mind/handing in notice again!

I think part of it is is that you feel surprised.You feel everythings gone well so far and now you are questioning whether its gone as well as you thought it did.

I would maybe chat with nanny.Maybe sit with bottle of wine one night once children are in bed and chat about it.Explain how you feel and hear her side of it

Think maybe you are just not suited, but why would you change the reference when she has been a good nanny that is not fair.

This isn't about slagging her off to her new employer - a good reference has already been given.
Unless she does sth awful before she leaves I wouldn't do anything...
I just wonder how many nannies work for someone for 2 years with good relation no gripes (well at least none expressed) and then text their employer to let them know they're leaving the day after they saw them and could have discussed it face to face!
So yes surprise definitely comes into it...

Oh and anyone has any suggestions as to what we should tell our DD.

I was thinking of introducing the new nanny saying 'Here's so and so she's going to be looking after you now' without specifically mentioning our leaving nanny.

Is that avoiding the issue though? I want to not make a big deal of it but not sure if that cuts it

I think you first need to tell your DD that the old nanny is leaving so she can deal with it and say goodbye. Maybe help her to make the nanny a card/present. Then have a week of handover between old and new nanny, so that old nanny can show DD how much she likes new nanny etc. If you think your DD is very attached then I'd try and organise a visit between old nanny and DD a few weeks/a month after she leaves.

She probably did it by phone because she was finding it all so incredibly difficult. She had to choose between 2 families. There are many things which could have influenced her - job is more interesting, the hours are more reliable, she is friendlier with the other parents, the travel is better, the hours are easier, the house is more comfortable, the child is younger (so job likely to last longer), all sorts of reasons.

She isn't enjoying this at all, which is why she's reacting so badly.

It feels personal, but really it isn't.

I find it a little odd that one of the families involved here is able to 'just like that' change the days they want the nanny to work.

Maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way but I would wonder if there was any pressure being put on your nanny from someone else... perhaps that family wanted a change in days before your nanny decided to resign.

People leave jobs for many reasons and I suspect many times they don't tell their employer the real reason why they are leaving. Think about when you have changed jobs... did you tell your employer lots of detail about why you were leaving? Maybe you did, or maybe you didn't.

If your nanny does not tell you (and they don't have to tell you), then you won't know for sure. Maybe it's been on the cards a while, perhaps something happened in the past which meant that they started considering leaving. Then losing the 1 day job has meant that they needed to job hunt.

Your nanny does not have to work their notice period - you could choose to pay them instead, though that means you need replacement childcare to be already in place.

Tell children the truth in simple terms that they can understand. "X has decided to look after some other children and we will find you someone new to care for you whilst mummy/daddy are at work." Children can move on quicker than adults. Sure it can be painful but they do tend to get over it quicker, living life in the present, not in the past.

When I resigned from a job, I wrote a letter. Leaving a family can often be a hard decision for the nanny to make, so the last thing you want to do once the decision has been made is to talk about it. If I had phoned my employer they may have said something to cast doubt on my decision and thus made it such that I stayed.

When she came for work a few days later, she told us she was leaving. Then she changed her mind and said to me she would try to find another 1 day job. Then later emailed that she was definitely leaving us.

I find that a little odd, as she had made the decision to leave but then changed her mind. Why? We will probably never know. Maybe there was a 3 day job lined up which fitted but it fell through. Maybe it was a 5 day job... maybe she resigned from the other 2 day job as well as from your job. Lots of possibilities.

so basically your nanny lost a one day job, you offered her a 3rd day to cover this and a payrise - she refused both and is now leaving

very weird

but tbh if she has handed her notice and is leaving then it doesnt matter what 3 days she does for new employer or that she has swapped 2 days round with other employer - its their problem

TBH I think you've handled it badly, and your nanny is reacting to that.

If a nanny resigned I would ask her if there was anything I could do to change her mind. And then I'd wish her well.

I am sure that it is awful when someone hands in their notice, but TBH it sounds as if you have been trying everything under the sun to get her to stay and this has probably been stressing her out no end because I'm sure it would have been tough for her to make the decision in the first place. I am sure she loves your DC and may have been umming and ahhing for ages about this. Have you though how she must be feeling at the moment? She's probaby dreading coming in to work now in case she gets more pressure, when all she probably wants to do is build up more happy memories of your DC. There's nothing you can do, so please try to chill out about it and look forward.

Children adapt really quickly to new nannies - we've had the same nanny for years but our AP's usually rotate every 12months. The most important thing is to try to be really positive and professional about it, no matter how upsetting it is for you, and try to get a handover period. You may find your next nanny turns turns out to be Mary Poppins.

We had two nannies leave in the space of 3 months. One had been with us for 3 years and it was a similar thing, she worked for one family 2 days a week, us two days a week and found a new 4 day job near home when the other family said they didn't need her any more.
Anyway we just told the boys (5&3) that she'd got a new job and although they were really fond of her they didn't bat an eyelid.
There's plenty more nannies in the sea! You'll find someone just as good.
I would just let the shouting incident go, although if it happens again, just sack on the spot.
I actually wouldn't worry about doing a handover, she's better off doing a handover with you as you can get her to do things exactly as you want without any negativety from the current nanny
good luck on your new search

I think it would be really mean of you to contact her new employers out of bitterness- she probably isn't in a very good place at the moment, there's no hand book on how to deal with a (what has been a brilliant relationship) coming to an end.

I know it must be hard for you as she has become part of your family to a degree but please try to have some sympathy for her or she will pick up on how angry you are with her and the last month will be horrible for everyone.

You could be honest and say 'it has come as a shock and I Felt a bit disturbed at how you reacted- but we really appreciate all that you have done for us and hope you can still visit from time to time to let us know how yore getting on'

I wish you luck on your search

Its difficult being a nanny who has to try and slot 3 differnet families together - ive been there! I tried really hard, and thankfully succeeded, in finding a second job/share to fit with my family who i have been with for 22 months. But, even though i was open with my 'family', it was very difficult for me and i do admit i found myself reacting in way that is very unusual for me - snapping/getting upset as i have such an attachment to the family and i felt that my MB was being unreasonable (LONG story) Anyway - i behaved completely out of character, and i would feel it entirely unfair if my MB uses this as an example of my behaviour/mannerisms in a future reference, when we have all been really happy up until a little bump in the road!

Im sorry your feeling a little put out, but i hope you find a suitable replacement ASAP