Au pairs - if we want to give notice what is the kindest way??

[foreverchangingname]

Our AP is very nice but it isn't working out.
If we want to ask her to leave, what would the kindest way to go about it be and what on earth should we say? She has done some really scatty things but it's also that we aren't using anywhere near her hours up and she isn't around when we need her (although she did say she'd be willing to skip college to do more). She doesn't do the core job very well and whilst I've given feedback I find myself still having to say the same things over and again.

I put 'at least a week's notice' in the contract. I would like to treat her well as she is a very nice person. How should we handle this if we do decide to terminate things?

I don't think she will be able to get another AP job as her availability is way too limited e.g. she can't do most days for many hours midweek when most people need an AP.

Bumping....

Tell her that things are not going as you had expected and that you do not feel they are a good match for your family.

How about giving her 2 weeks notice (or however many days you feel is reasonable) setting out clearly the last day she is able to stay at your home. Has she come far? Does she have the money to get home?

Have you given her a chance to improve or told her that her lack of availability would lead to a termination? If so, and she objects, or aks why, you can tell her it was becuase she hasn't taken on board your comments. She may then use this as a learning experience for the future. However, if you want to avoid any confrontation or upsetting her, you could just say something along the lines of your circumstances have changed, and you have no more need for her services.

Regardless of what you tell her, I think it would only be fair to give at least 1 weeks notice, and plus any accrued holiday. It would also be nice if she has nowhere else to go, to pay for her flight home and take her to the airport. You could give her longer than a weeks notice, but you will have to consider the impact of her mood during that time.

Have you lined up another au-pair?

Had to do it once. Paid for flight home (and took her to airport of course) and paid two weeks wages in lieu, and asked her if she wanted to stay for a couple of weeks to try to find another job.

Thanks for this advice so far. I can't decide whether to go down the 'it's not working because of reasons X and Y' which she will then say she can improve on or the change of circumstances tack as it will be less awkward, especially as I want to give her a bit more time to find something else. The paying for a flight home doesn't apply as she is a part time student in London so wouldn't go home until Summer next year.

I have posted on here a couple of weeks ago about the background (I've name changed since). First issue is she said she would be available certain hours as her college classes were 2.5 days a week. But they turned out to be significantly more than this. I don't think some of it was her fault but then she added another morning by choice at a different course. She says she can bunk of college if I need her to work on the extra day but I don't feel comfortable with that even if I should. I just thought she would be around more.

Second issue is cleanliness. She is supposed to clean the house for 5 hours a week. I know some APs don't do this but it was VERY clearly stated in the ad, and in our written agreement. The deal is she works a max 20 hour week (ha supposedly) for 25 hour's pay to make up for it being a bit more of a cleaning job and somewhat less childcare, plus I am flexible about when this is done.

However the house is dirtier not cleaner with her here. Firstly instead of 5 hours she does about 3.5 (I know because I'm in working) and I've asked her to make sure she tidies up after herself when she cooks repeatedly but her idea of clean and mine are different.

Issue three is scattiness. She has left the front door open for five hours (we live in a city so it's not on and we have said endlessly that security is important), left the iron on for several hours in the utility room (I only found it by chance), left window open etc. etc.

That said, she is extremely good at trying to change and taking feedback without being stroppy. I am fed up of nagging though.

Am I being unreasonable to call it a day? We don't need another au pair as can manage without. She won't get another AP job in my view as she has too restricted hours with college.

If you don't feel she will get another AP job, then where will she live? Or am I wrong in presuming that she currently lives with you (au-pairs do tend to live with their employer).

yes she lives with us. That's exactly one of the reasons I asked the OP. She would have to find somewhere to live e.g. student digs, or stay with a friend and it will be much harder than just finding another AP job. This is why I want to be considerate and she is, as I said, a nice person. What would be reasonable?

And also am I being reasonable to call it a day? I feel I've given her a good chance but she can't change the fact she is scatty (well she did improve a bit but then we had the iron incident). We all make mistakes but I do not feel she is a safe pair of hands.

I feel like I'm always having to nag her about the same things.

Bumping...

You have been more than fair. She will have to find alternative accommodation. Have a chat and see how it goes, if things are strained as a result and you are not comfortable with her staying in your home, perhaps locate some alternative accommodation for a week or two and pay her normal salary as well.
Sometimes you just have to call it a day.
Put the money into a cleaner and occasional babysitter! If you can cope without an AP. It has to work for both of you.
Good luck

I would tell her the hours/her schedule just isn't working out for you. I think I remember your previous thread and that based on the way certain jobs are being done you think her mind is elsewhere. You need someone who needs less guidance. I don't think there's an easy way to do it. Terribly sorry but time to move on, give her a couple of weeks to sort herself out.

Is the iron/front door recent?

Hi,
The iron was this week and the other incidents a few weeks ago. At the time of the two door incidents I said it was her last warning, so I could say the iron is the last straw but I'm not keen on it becoming confrontational which it might.

The big question then is should we use an excuse of relatives coming to stay for a while or work circumstances changing, that we don't think it is working out or mention the problems we have had?

And what might be a decent notice period given I want to give more than the week in our agreement but then don't want her moping round the house?

Personally I would tell her that you need someone who can work set hours during the week, every week, who is not relying on 'bunking off' school from time to time to accomodate. You also need this person to be more experienced and able to work w/o direction, so you are likely to hire a live out person who has exp as a housekeeper, etc. WOuld that fit with your circumstances?

Yes I think that might work better ladyh. When I had that conversation with her last time she did say about bunking off and how it's not important for her to be there every day etc so I suspect she will say that again.
I think you probably do remember the right thread, she rushes everything and dashes around the whole time which just doesn't work. I've given her lots of feedback and chance to change.

So how long for the notice period, as she won't find another ap job so it's a bit more complicated.

Are you in an area with affordable/easily accessible student accomodation? If she's not stroppy after you tell her...could you give her 3 wks?

i would give her to the end of the this term to sort herself out not necasay pay her just let her live there /or find and pay for somewhere to live till the end of this term. because she is college student and has committed to you for a year.

ps if you 5 hours cleaning you need to make a detailed list of things you want done and show her how you want them done.Everyone looks for different thing in room and you have to teach your cleaner what you look for and what you think is clean.

longjane
tehre are some safety considerations.

Yes, I think to the end of term might be a step too far and three weeks sounds about right. I'd like to say it's three weeks but if something went wrong or her behaviour wasn't appropriate we would reserve the right to make it sooner (I think we'd pay for a hotel for a week in that scenario). It's unlikely as she is a nice girl but you never know - not sure how I can word that without insulting her!

When she came to London to study and decided to be an AP for her living arrangements she should have thought about what would happen if things didn't work out. Also, she didn't come to study here on the back of our job as was already a year into her course so I don't see it as our responsibility beyond what's reasonable. Different to if she'd got the job and the course was dependent on that iyswim.

LongJane - it's a mix of some safety issues we have had plus her just not responding to direction (e.g. if I've asked her nicely and then firmly, three or four times, to do x and it simply doesn't happen! I've written things down too and some stuff still doesn't happen. I either spend the whole time on her case nagging her or will have to give up. Her English is perfect so that's not the reason.

And there's the aforementioned about the change in her availability. Also she was meant to take a week's holiday at Xmas but that's somehow turned into two weeks - so I have to cover the first week of school hols another way which was when I needed her more than term time. Argh!

I've had a cleaner for years and so giving direction won't be an issue if I get my old one back

i am getting that she is not right for ou and you want rid
but you are asking to be nice
and i think is to give her to end of term to find some which would 5 weeks max may 6 .
If i would you I would say that job has end and we will give you one weeks wages but you can live us ( get something signed) to the end of term.
this is being nice .

One day it could well be your child kick out of some where.

I do think that's too long - it will just become awkward - I am thinking somewhere between 2 weeks and 3. Surely that's enough and more generous than the official week which I agree would be harsh.

Also, the fact is I just don't want her living with us longer than absolutely necessary as she has done a number of things which jeopardise security or safety. And the house is far dirtier with her here too.

Still stuck on what to actually say, especially if she will be living here for a bit longer.

I would personally go along the 'circumstances beyond our control' way, dont feel you have to explain, and its not lying as such is it! She doesnt appear to be doing her job adequately,
And say give her 2 weeks notice, and prehaps if you can afford it an extra 2 weeks pay, then she has a months 'salary' to put toward renting a room or whatever, and 2 weeks to find one/something else.
Just a few of my own thoughts

I have suggested to DH we do two weeks here on pay still 'working' (but she only does 10 hours a week really so it's not exactly taxing), then she'd get a third week's pay when she leaves as long as the room is sorted out (it's a huge mess at the moment) and nothing untoward has happened, then the fourth week's pay when she collects her stuff. Does that sound too business like?

The idea is she gets four week's pay and for us it acts as an incentive not to start messing us about during the notice period or to leave her stuff here for months if she hasn't got anywhere to put it (she has a lot and I think she might struggle). I will help her move it in the car too if she moves somewhere vaguely local.

Sounds reasonable?

Forever - you sound more than reasonable with 4 weeks pay! It sounds like your AP has taken too much on. However, you must remember her problems are not your problems.

I would be inclined to just give 2-3 weeks notice max. She is unlikely to improve, and the longer you leave it the more time you will spend worrying about safety. In addition it may cause an atmosphere in the house if she believes she has been treated unfairly.

What would also be appreciated if you drive her to her new accomodation with her stuff. That way she won't have to worry about transporting her things and she also won't have to return to collect anything. If you are worried about the state of her room; you could remind her that the last weeks pay is conditional on being left in a reasonable state. You may find however, once her things are removed, the mess will disappear.

Metrobaby - that's really helpful and reassuring.

Dh said earlier he thinks we should give her to the end of term but I really don't fancy living with her (and her mess) for six more weeks.

Will discuss with him shortly.